Thoughts before the new day falls

So much that I want to say, so many things I want to tell somone - all before life goes away...

But people leave, and that's just the way things go. And people don't stay forever, that's just the way life is.

There was so many things I wanted to show you, so many things I wanted to be. So many lifetimes I wanted to live, all before life left me...

...I used to look at the world in terms of what I did, who I knew, and how long it lasted. I used to think that life was about doing everything on your checklist. I used to think life was about people.

I'm learning life isn't what I thought it was. Love isn't what I thought it was.

I used to imagine my life getting better. I used to think that the older I got, the more everything would make sense. But I'm learning now that I was wrong.

I think life is hard just because it is hard. I think life is hard because I'm hard of hearing. I think life is hard because I'm hard of understanding. I think life is hard because I make it out to be.

*sigh*

I'm beginning to wonder if regret is good or bad. I used to think it was good. Then I saw it was bad. Now I'm not sure if I want it or if I ever wanted to, if I could stop. I used to think I shouldn't stop. Now, I don't know if I could, even if I wanted. Or maybe I already did. Maybe guilt is different than regret. Maybe it is the same.

I think that I'm getting too deep for my mental capacity tonight. But I feel deep within. I feel shallow everywhere else; I feel hollow, and empty, and shallow in everything else. But I feel deep within. I feel a lot of things that I don't show. I feel a lot of things that I don't express. I feel a lot of things that I don't talk about.

Sometimes, I wonder if they all just get lost inside of me. Sometimes, I wonder why I can't remember them, but still feel them in the back of my mind. Sometimes, I wonder why I can't forget them.

I wish sometimes that I could be more open. I wish I could just tell everyone how I feel and what I am and how it looks in the mirror to be me. But I don't think they would understand. I don't think the world likes to hear about you; I don't think they like to hold your hand. I think sometimes that it is better to just keep quiet so that nobody looks at you funny - so that no one looks down on you. Sometimes, I think it is better not to be known, so nobody can claim that they hated you.

I think sometimes it is better to be forgotten. Or maybe it really is better to be hated - but I would rather be forgotten. Too many people hate me; it wouldn't be anything new. I think I would rather just disappear, rather just cease to exist. I think I would rather just be forgotten. At least then I didn't hurt anyone...at least then I didn't have a purpose. At least then, I could disappear without any tears.

I sometimes think that is what I want to do. Disappear without any tears. Just pick up and go. Not look back and not hear my name on their lips anymore. I think sometimes that is all I am really looking for...

but other times, I know it isn't. Other times I know what I am looking for...

I want to be loved, held, embraced, and told that the world isn't falling apart. I want to be important, significant, and wanted. I want to feel the warmth of someone for the rest of my life. I want to feel the coldness melt until the day I die. I want to be wrapped up, suffocated in the comfort of knowning that someone will never let go. I want to drown in the smell of someone who will never leave me, never walk away, never stop staring at me. I want to feel someone's gaze burn into my soul until the point that I realize I can never look away.

I want to fall forever into someone else's starry sky. I want to sink for a lifetime into someone else's life. I want to feel passion spinning all around me until I fall fast asleep. I want to be reminded that I'm alive.

I want to feel someone's heartbeat instead of my own. I want to breathe someone else's air, someone else's breath until I can't breathe anymore. I want to hold someone's eyes until I can't keep mine open. I want to feel alive and fall fast asleep, all at the same time.

I want to be content, safe, warm.

I want to feel that I am it - that I am the only. I want to know that I am the dream, that I am the waking, that I am the midnight and the daybreak - all at once. I want to know that I am loved just as I love. I want to know that I am wanted just as I want. I want to know that I am needed just as I need. I want to know that I am complete just as I become the completion. I want to know that I am whole just as I make whole in return. I want to be the end and the beginning of someone's dream. I want someone to be the end and the beginning of mine.

I want to be loved. And I want to love.

I want to be finished. And I want to finish.

I want to be alive. And I want to live...

live a lifetime with someone I can love.

-RK

Something a little lighter

Yes!

I am finally learning some very, and boy do I mean very basic HTML tags. But, you know what - at least it is something. I mean I can now insert links! and even my Email Addy!.

So what if I am the only one who thinks this is REALLY cool. At least I am finally learning something. All thanks to Blogger, LG, Diana - and wanting to have a really really awesome blog that goes beyond just typing some jumbled-up and twisted backwards text.

So thanks to all of you who contributed to my new knowledge. I hope to go much, much further in the future blogging days. But for now - it's a start.

Again, thanks! ;0D

-RK

no one, nothing, nowhere.

Remembering...

It's one of those summers, again.

Cold, dark, and lonely. No one to call up, no one to call over. No one to just say that I'm glad you understand. No one to lift my chin up and remind me to look at the stars - "because at least they are still beautiful, lovely."

No one.

No one to take my hand and spin me around and dance with me in the middle of Disneyland, and who cares what time of night it is, because we are having too much fun to stop. No one to tell me that the light is still coming. No one to tell me that the dreams are still forming. No one to tell me that I'm still growing.

No one.

Just the music in the background. Just the damn a/c that is always cold at the wrong time of day. Just the sinking feeling in my soul that pulls me down to my battered knees, time and time again.

...and still, no one.

No one to pet my head and remind me that I'm alive. No one to say how much they miss me. No one to wrap me up in their warmth and make all of my fears melt away. No one to hide in. No one to protect me because I'm so small. No one.

Nothing but pain. Nothing but the regret, the rage, the hurt, and the brokenness. Nothing but the blankness of the walls all around me. Nothing but the death within me. Nothing but hope that makes me feel more hopeless with every passing second - because all hope shows me anymore is what a damn fool I've turned out to be. Nothing but the ravages, nothing but the emptiness. Nothing but decisions...decisions I didn't want to make.

Nothing...

no one...

nowhere to go, but maybe just down into my own self-created hell, where no one comforts, nothing heals, and no one in the entire world even cares...

That is where I always end up, and that is where I am...

...here.

-RK

Is anyone listening?

Is there anyone out there? Is there anyone that hears me?

Does anyone pay attention to my cries?

Is there anyone who notices?

Sometimes - I really wonder.

I wonder about a whole lot of things, but sometimes I really do wonder if anyone is listening. Not that it matters, not that it changes anything. But sometimes, it'd just be nice to know that someone is listening.

Not that I would be saying much. Not that I would say anything at all; maybe just rambling on about nothing or blathering about how the weekend always ends up 50 miles from where it should have or just mulling over sand hills and ocean waves and why they crash on the beach...

it doesn't necessarily matter. Sometimes, it would just be nice to know that someone else is listening. That's really all there is.

And sometimes, you ask the question just to ask it. You don't really care if anyone actually answers. You just need to ask to know that the question still exists.

This may be one of those times. One of those times to just ask...

is anyone out there listening?

-RK

coldness

Long nights full of empty spaces, hollow voices, and the lack of everything around you. A feeling tells you that something isn't quite right - but it doesn't matter because there is nothing you can do about it anyway. So instead, you pull the plug on your own lifelines and you begin to fade away.

Fading...

First it's your voice, and then it's your feelings. Then goes your sight and your mind. The last to go is your hope - trapping you in the deep stillness of not being able to escape.

Sometimes, life feels something sort of like that...

Like a hell full of cold fire, burning your flesh with ever-biting chills. But the coldness isn't all that hurts. Becuase within you the loneliness is the coldest sensation you feel. Opening like a hole full of infection in your heart, the loneliness begins to eat away at you - slowly causing you to fall on your knees and beg for mercy. But there is no answer. There is only stillness. There is only the biting cold...

That really must be what hell is like.

Regret filling the space between you and the deadly, icy wind. Despair pouring from your frozen heart like a well-spring of nothingness, overflowing into lies aobut how to escape. Distrust and angst falling from your lips like love that you used to feel. Pain overwhelming every sense you have left. And the cold constantly cutting through your flesh straight to your bones, with no chance of getting warm.

You begin to shiver uncontrollably, but you aren't sure which cold it is from, because somewhere between the innner agony and the outer torture you feel - the coldness all becomes one. The pain edges on unbearable before it pushes you over the edge.

You scream, but the cold outside steals your breath and stops your voice from coming out. All you can hear is your heartbeat, strugggling with each thud to bring warmth back into your bones. But here, there is no hope. Here, the coldness dwells in every inch of your body, every corner of your soul. You pray that soon you will stop feeling, because the pain is too immense. But you know that the coldness will not warm, that your heart will not stop, that this pain will not ease up.

...yes, I really do believe hell is cold. Much colder that I have ever felt - much colder than I can imagine. But I still believe hell is cold.

-RK

In the Voice of Secrets

**To be read alongside Keeping Quiet**

Secrets.
Convincing me Sophie may have been right =
this going deeper than I saw
because these secrets hurt my soul.

Tearing a life out of soceity.
Making me strip down to nothing -
causing innocent hearts to bleed
with the corrupt blood of lost honesty.

Secrets.
Love can't last with secrets.
Friends can't exist with secrets.
Lives end with secrets...

Leaving a heart so cold -
it eventually stops beating.
Leaving a life so hollow -
it collapses in on itself.

Secrets.
Hope stops itself from hoping
and dreams dry up and crack -
from the long drought of truth.

Dark hollows opening into spacelessness.
Empty eyes staring past your gaze.
Whispers echoing through the silences.
Waves crashing at the place where you can't return.

Here is where you've come -
to the end of another road.
Turning yet another wrinkled page,
as another chapter comes to a close.

Secrets.
So many secrets...
All too many to really count,
spinning you around in the sinking darkness.

Here they all lead you,
as if by the hand.
And here they will leave you,
now to fend for yourself.

Secrets.
Will you keep them or will you give?
Will you lock the box forever?
Or will you reveal your heart to live without...
Secrets.

-RLL

troubles

Redepmtion should have been around the corner...

but wasn't.

I thought it was all getting better, but it turned out that it was still getting worse - the lights were still going out. The day was still getting darker. How I'd hoped that it would end. But not here and not now, the wind told me. Not here and not like this, the cold streets told me at 11:00 at night. Not tonight.

It was cold, but I really didn't care. I kept on sitting there, just staring. The longer I looked, the colder it got. But I wasn't going to change it - I wasn't going to stop it. The cold reminded me that at least I was still there, that I hadn't disappeared...

but I'm not so sure that is a good thing.

I want sometimes to disappear. To go where no one can find me. To get lost far from home. To hide so no one can see me.

Sometimes, that is all I really want.

And sometimes, I realize that I have to take the same road I ran away on back home. That isn't easy. But sometimes, it is the only way to get back home before it is too late. Sometimes, it is the only way to get home without getting more and more lost - just around the corner.

Walking the streets of Riverside taught me a lot. But I'm not so sure that I like what I learned there.

Decisions are hard. Learning lessons you can't accept is harder.

How does one let go of hope? And should it be asked of anyone to do thusly? If so, then what is the point of hope at all? What do we hope in? What do we hope for...but this?

If you haven't read Da Vinci Code - I think you need to.

Misunderstanding breeds distrust...

The light came long after the thunder...

A few of the good things I have read thus far. It is difficult to put down.

Other things are difficult as well...

but for now, until the morning comes, I sleep.

Sadness again growing, fear doubt and turbulence stirrring...

but for now, I try to sleep.

-RK

Thought you should know...

I am the French Peas. I have a fabulous accent. I am sarcastic. I am apparently the best.

Take the test by Emily

...thought that was sort of fitting. So there you go.

-RK

Disneyland with Jastard

I should have known the day was not going well when I had a sudden inkling that I should share my trauma from a past Six Flags visit. The story went something sort of liek this: saw Marvin the Martian. Being the crazy one I am, went to say hi. Marvin decided that he did NOT need to let go of my hand, even as I walked away. Innately, I was disturbed.

Then, after disclosing how I fear cartoon characters because you have no idea what is under that suit - the irony of my life took yet another twist.

*sigh*

Only moments later do I find Pluto struting somewhat on a direct path for me. My first though - bonk him in the nose and move on with my life. I didn't.

However, he took the liberaty of patting my arm as he passed. Creaped out, I explained how I hate it when those characters touch you.

We continued walking.

Seconds later, Pluto is back - tickeling my shoulder! Shall I die now...or later!? Gah! Talk about being HORRIFIED! *blech* He came back for me! WHAT IS THAT?!

So innately, again, I was disturbed.

Moments later, I commented on my disenchantment with cartoon characters.

At least it was something.

...But the day got more and more intersting, not to mention fun.

First important note of reference: Hollywood Hotel is AMAZING! If you have not ridden it - you need to. Come with me, I will take you on the ride of your life in Disney Calif. It really is amazingly enjoyable. I could not stop laughing - hysterically. It was the best fun I have had on a ride in sooo long. It was great.

Then, there was the naming of Jastard and Betch. Ah, how odd is that. If you are brave enough to ask, I might explain. *laugh* If not, leave it at that. That really is all there is to say at the moment.

So the day continued to unfold. There was the pushing of Jay into the sign, which was meant to be just the pushing of Jay into a fence. But the sign randomly appeared and randomly bit off a chunk of his finger. Yes, we are both suing Disney for my being mauled by Pluto, and Jay being mauled by a ride sign. *laugh* That really was a funny conversation too...Yes, they better pay up.

Then, there was the flight in the orange - which was quite lovely as always. And once in the infamous Disneyland Park, there was the jungle cruise. I must say that Jay and I did a fine job of ruining the guide's ONLY good joke - The Backside Of Water!

We were thrilled.

And there was of course the factories. Corn tortillas...pity. But at least I got three peices of bread from the Sourdough factory. That made up for something - at least Pluto's insolence I think.

Oh and of course there was Pri...I mean Pirates of the Carribean. We did a round of Row Row Row Your Boat - but with only two people, it was somewhat next to shabby.

Not sexy.

It was almost as far from a leap off of sexy as the young man's ripped jeans ahead of me in the line. That really beat everything for far from sexy. It was so not it!

And of course there was the bag check that really only says, "If I can't see it - you can bring it." Found out later, in the parking lot, that all the while I had my 3 inch blade in the front pocket of my purse...oops.

And then there was the people watching, which is great. But putting people like Jay and I in a crowd and letting us watch people really is a horrible idea. Both of us are loud, obnoxious, and have no inhabitions....

but I guess it's better than talking behind people's backs, isn't it?

I'm not so sure they would agree. Oh well.

And one of the most amusing things was the staged fight Jay and I began on the exiting of the courtyard. We began to shout about how we had ruined each other's day, how we did everything wrong, etc. Then, proceeded to laugh hysterically and high-five each other for such intelligent rudeness.

I think everyone else was disturbed, or maybe just confused.

You really had to be there.

Not to mention you should have been there when we were entering Disneyland and a family full of never-been's were ahead of us. Ahh, how I want to pat their virgin heads. They were asking the most abusrd questions about who to ask for what and what to do if's. Then, the lady taking our tickets was completely incompitent. It was so amusing.

I felt an undying need to walk around with the newbies by the hand and point out everything to do, everything not to do, and everything they shouldn't do but will do anyways - like twisting their ankle in the railraod tracks. Ahh, yes. I felt a duty - since I nearly live there anyways. It really was quite nostalgic, really.

So, overall, the day was full of Los, Disney and sexy inanimate objects - which I have by the way made plans to record a techno song on the subject and copyright the concept. Therefore, when people refer to any inanimate object as "sexy" I shall make a buck. In the end - I really will be rich of off everyone. It will be truly sexy of me.

So in short (or rather long for my mental incapacity as of late), I had a fine time. The people, the names, and the pushing and shoving. Yes, even the dead leg I aquired while being punched in the car - even that was fun. Odd to, might I add.

But the dead leg aside, it was good...Wait, no. The Pluto incident, the dead leg, the corn instead of flour tortillas, and the rude people who bash into you no matter what you do aside - it was good.

And now I am back with lots of laughs and a huge bottle of Fiji water - which makes my mouth happy after all the attempts at toilet-water drinking fountains and warm-water water bottles. Not to mention the malt in my stomach from the small box of Wheat Thins that I really wish could have lasted longer. But no pity - because I have been well moistened from Pirates, well malted from Wheat-Thins, and well worn from walking.

So, in short, I had fun.

And I really hope to repeat the issue, with less ...issues...with more people. Sometime within the next six weeks!

-RK

Fresh tomatoes taste like sunshine.

And if you wash them under cool water, they taste like a spring afternoon, sun just after the rain, and the coming of a cool evening...

***
I have come to something of a lovely conclusion about my life...

All I really want to do is dance.

Dancing, spinning around, becoming something - something free from this world. Something like a butterfly...

It starts with the music, the lights, the hips and the shoulders. But it never ends there. If it ends there, it isn't really dancing. And I don't mean dancing with just your body. I mean the dance that goes beyond the body, beyond the music and the lights, beyond what you are doing. I mean the dance of the soul.

Because you see, that's what happens when I dance. The freedom of dancing wakens my soul, and soon it dances too. Call me crazy - but somewhere in between the spin and the twirl, the flash and the beat - my soul starts dancing. Doesn't matter where I am or how fast the beat is. Once the freedom hits, once that light breaks...my soul dances.

That's why I just want to dance. I want to dance with you, I want to dance with God, I want to dance with my friends, I want to dance with my family. I want to dance with everyone. Because when I dance, the soul dances back. And that's what I have always been looking for - that soul dance. That freedom from the walls we all put up - freedom from the judgement, from the pain - from the ground. Freedom to be whatever you are in that moment...that moment when the soul starts to dance.

So if you want to see me - if you really want to see the me somewhere within...

dance with me.

-RK

Well, does it?

Does hope negate the despair I feel? Does trust negate this fear? Does love end the pain, the hurt I know? Does knowing what's real kill the nightmare?

Well, does it?

No answers, but always more questions.

Does joy negate trembling? Does willfullness negate hesitation? Does wisdom negate choice?

Well, does it?

Does security mean I'm there, or just that I'm still on my way? Does assurance mean I'm happy, or just that one day I may be? Does walking stop me from falling? Does running keep me from turning? Does movement cease the stillness?

Well, does it?

No affirmation. No call from the deep, there where my soul is lying dormant. No waking and stirring in the dark of this night. No hand to hold...but mine.

And still the questions keep me guessing. Still the answers keep me searching. Still this veil of what my life will mean comes falling down all around me, covering my eyes to what it was. Leaving me tangled in the decision of what it is.

But as always, time will tell - won't it?

Time has a way of doing that. Time always tells....

Doesn't it?

Every answer met with every question. Every dream met with every doubt. Every truth met with every uncertainty. Every light met with every shadow.

And the hardest question of them all falls, yet again: Does life really have a purpose?

Am I just searching in the dark for vapor? Am I just groping in the confusion for nothing? Or is there something more? Does all of this ever get to mean something more?

Well, does it?

-RK

frail.

Convinced of my deception, I've always been a fool.
I fear this love reaction, just like you said I would.
A rose could never lie about the love it brings,
and I could never promise to be any of those things.

If I was not so weak, if I was not so cold;
If I was not so scared of being broken, growing old -
then I would be.

Blessed are the shallow, depth they'll never find.
There seems to be come comfort in rooms I try to hide.
Exposed beyond the shadows, you take the cup from me.
Dirt removes my blindness, pain becomes my peace.

If I was not so weak, if I was not so cold;
If I was not so scared of being broken, growing old -
I would be frail.

***

So this fear, this pain - this is supposed to exist?

At least it has some purpose. It must. If it didn't - there would be no point in feeling it, no pointing in owning it, no point in admitting it.

Yes, it must have some purpose.

And yet, part of me still fears it. I don't know why...

I want to be happy. I want to feel love. I want to be...

I want all of the things I dream of, and more.

I want my life to be beautiful and glorious. I want to soar like an eagle and feel freedom like a butterfly.

I want so much...

but until it comes, I must feel this pain. This tearing, breaking, bending, and hurting.

Until the blessing comes, I must be stripped of everything.

...and it hurts.

I want to be free from weakness, coldness, brokenness, and fear. Free from doubt. Forever.

I want to know. I want to strong.

I don't want to be frail.

And the only way there - is this, must be this. The only way to strength is this road.

Feet falling in front of me, on a path that I know I can never understand. Feet falling in front - not looking behind, not looking up to the sky. Just feet falling in front, watching my step and being sure I keep walking on the path...I keep my feet falling in front.

One day I will be happy, and one day I will be free.

One day I will hurt no more, and one day I will see.

But not yet, not today.

Today, I keep walking. I keep one foot in front of the other. And I keep my eyes on the road.

I don't stop and I don't fall. Because that isn't walking, that isn't my feet falling in front.

So I keep going.

Where I'm going, I have no idea. But the sun will rise and the sun will set and the moon will shine - all on this path that I am walking tonight.

And one day, I will arrive somewhere that I will call home. I will arrive somewhere and I will rest.

But until then, no regrets.

This path turns one way, and then it curves the next.

If nothing else, I learned a world from every turn I made. I learned the rising and the setting of the sun. I learned what midnight looks like, even when you're alone. I learned how to walk and I learned how to run. I learned how to hide and how to be exposed. I learned about the forest and I learned about the desert. I learned where the fern grows and when the flowers die. I learned about love, and I learned about life.

And if ever nothing else, I will always be glad back in the memory of the path.

But now, I must keep walking. Wherever it is I go from here - I must keep walking there.

So feet falling in front, heart tugging my soul, dreams keeping me awake, and hope keeping me alive; I walk.

I walk and my feet fall.

No regrets. Not on this road, not in this heart.

Walking each day with no regrets, even here while I feel too frail.

But knowing that this fear, this coldness, this dread - all have a place on the path I walk. The path that I walk without regret.

-RK

Glad again...

I am endlessly tired, so this is going to be a relatively short post.

I just had to say that dancing in the middle of the street or Disneyland and not caring who is watching you - that really is the greatest feeling in all the world. It ranks right alongside driving back roads with the windows rolled down, cold air bursting into your face mizing with the blasting heater. The smell fo Jasmin and Magnolia in the air with Skillet blasting as loud as you can stand it, whipping around curves at 45 mph and coming up to stop signs a little too fast.

If that doesn't make up for saddness and rage from memories and traffic, I really don't know what does.

I think I have learned that yeah, life just sort of sucks. But if you can find at least one reason for it to not suck at a moment in time - then you've gained something from that moment that you can never lose.

I also learned something about memories. No matter what happens to you - no matter where you go or who you become or what road of life you walk down - there is always a part of you that is glad within a memory. No matter how much the situation around the memory falls apart, if the memory was good - there will always be a part of you that is glad there. No matter what. And you can't run from it, you can't turn it off. You just have to accept it - and move on.

So in general; Disneyland, 80s music, and Green River made my day all worth it.

So did other things...other things that made me sad. Other things that I won't talk about. Other places I went and other people I thought of again - after a long time. And other pieces of the day that made the trips worthwhile. But those are to be left in my own heart for now. Maybe later - they will be worthwhile to talk about...

but not until later.

But I am glad I was able to share pieces of me, pieces of what I want and of what I am and of what I had. I am glad that I was able to do something outside of myself.

I am glad that I was able to dance alone - dance with myself. I am glad that I was able to see that dancing alone in public is better than trying to control someone else you are dancing with. I am glad that I dance alone - I am glad people can watch me, but I can dance alone. That makes me glad.

I am glad that I was able to learn from a lousy initial trip to Disneyland and horrible traffic on the 91 East.

I am glad that I was able to remember.

I am glad that I was paying attention - that I wasn't too lost in the misery - that I was able to look outside of this and find something so worth while that it made me glad.

-RK

What I learned from Will Thatcher...

If you have seen A Knight's Tale - you will know what I mean; and if you haven't, go and get a copy of this movie (in whatever way possible) and See It! Because if you have not seen this movie - you are certainly missing out. And now without any adue, as said by Geoff, I give you ten lessons I learned from William and his company:

1) In life, you must learn to take the bad along with the good. If you don't, you will end up losing the good.

2) When everyone tells you to run from tough situations, tell them: No, I will not run! If you do, everything will turn out better than you could have imagined.

3) Evil never wins, and winners are never evil.

4) Green has many shades. Trying to match two greens is completely impossible if all you have is "green".

5) Dancing is important, but learning how to dance is moreso.

6) You can change your stars, but you can only do so after going through the trials that test your soul.

7) Gambling is dangerous, but if you are going to gamble - you better be prepared to lose.

8) Friendship is important, even when friends are dishonest.

9) Fight those who are willing to fight. Fight even harder those who you seem unlikely to win against.

10) Your name is who you are. Giving it up means giving up a part of you, and holding on to it means affirming it's worth.

Hope these may mean something to you as well as they have for me.

-RK

I belong in...

Hu-rah for Gryffindor!

Hogwart's Sorting Hat Quiz
made by The Genki Gang

You're known for being brave, loyal and trustworthy, sometimes to a fault. But if the chips were down, wed count on someone like you to help out or save our lives.
We just hope you don't get yourself killed before we can cash in on that.

***

This fits I think; maybe I will die of lack of sleep. If you don't agree, take up it with the hat.

And for those of you who are concerned, yes I have finally submitted to viewing HP. *sigh* All good refutals must come to an end, yes?

Oh well...

-RK

Battlefield Life

Love really is like a battlefield. You have to fight for what you want...

but then, when the enemy closes in and you realize that you cannot overcome - you have to surrender. You wave the white flag and you retreat.

If you can't retreat, you become a prisoner of war - put away in a camp to sit on your hands and do what you are told until the war is over.

Either way - you stop fighting and you do something else. You run back home or you follow instructions just to stay alive. Either way, you aren't a part of the war anymore. You may fight new battles where you are - you may even fight a totally different war - but you don't fight the same war once you surrender. Not anymore.

And when you realize that the war you wanted to fight is over, you just have to pick up and carry on with the life you had before. Don't you? You have to let the battle wounds heal, and then you have to pick up somewhere around where you once left off. That is the only way to not go crazy, not get stuck in the memories of war. You just have to heal and pick up again. You just have to live your life again...

And so the white flag has been waved. And now? Just gathering my things and going off to wherever I am being sent...home, war camp, the hospital, or just back to the barracks to fight again sooner than I though. I'm not sure where exactly I stand in this war yet - but I know I'm not fighting. It isn't my time, it isn't my place.

Maybe another day in another place with another road behind me and another light before me. But not now...or at least, not yet.

So again, I will wait. I will get my life to move on from this point somehow, and I will wait.

-RK

And now for something random

Far too much thinking. Far too much deeply emotional reverbs around here that keep echoing back on each other and making me go insane.

Time for random facts about my weekend. Time for some reflections on a room that isn't the same.

Chair in the corner, like it was before I moved. But now, everything is a little closer because over half of my stuff - over two-thirds of my crap is back here, being packed into four small walls that don't remember how on earth they ever held it all. Half of that is still in the garage.

What am I going to do when I move back here in August?

...oh dear...

Jelly Belly's are great. Carmel Corn Jelly Belly's are yummy. Buttered Popcorn Jelly Belly's are better. JBz chocolate candy's are NOT!

Waking up at noon on a Saturday can be very healthy. Especially after one has drained themselves of all energies by staying up until 4 am most of the week.

But friends are important...more important than sleep. At least, that is the belief I ascribe to. Whether it is healthy nor not?

Who cares!

Silver is prettier than gold, unless it's white gold...unless you want someone to REALLY notice it. I am starting to think I may like gold...

...JUST MAYBE...

Dragons should never be lawn green and grape purple - it just isn't right, so I have learned. So Paint Pals has taught me. Paint Pals, I bow in respect to thee!

Phantom of the Opera has to be one of the world's most famous musicals that can get away with 80's music. Not many can accomplish that, yah know?

Why are ear-piercings so difficult to maintain, and why do they constantly want to grow back in? I don't want them to! Why can't they just realize that *sigh*

Personal note to self, if it is summer time and one lives in SoCal and one does NOT want to wake up in pools of sweat, one should NOT wear fleee hello kitty pants to bed. One just really shouldn't.

Another note to self: black printer ink is completely useless without white printer paper. Even if it IS summertime, one should always have at least a spare reem of white printer paper at hand. Otherwise, one cannot print; because printing on loose-leaf lined paper really doesn't make any sense. It just doesn't.

Making sense can surely be beneficial for others and for oneself. Being honest is even better. But neither is as much fun as just being random.

Randomness is healthy. Try it more often!

-RK

friend...

Trying to just be a friend...
Feeling deeply down that I'm not.

Scared of what this impass means,
and what it does once it's gone.

Gone...
Soon I too will be gone.

But first, lives to set in order;
affairs to put in the corner...

a life to live through and a day to get to...
all before I can be gone.

So sitting on the window sill -
just looking over the edge.

Wondering what would happen if I stayed,
what I'd be if I ever fell.

So I don't move, I just sit.
Sit, wait, and wonder.

Look throught this glass of confusion-
and see that I'm still not there yet.

Friend. Hospital friend.
Bringing pain killers and pudding...

hoping you are getting a little better
Because yes, I do still care.

-RK

What it's worth...

Sitting here...again.

More Poptarts, more nausia, more tired wakefulness.

So tired of eating Poptarts when I should be eating Los Amigos. So tired of sitting here when I should be enjoying my life. So tired of being alone when I should have friends. So tired of being stuck here when I should be half-way home by now.

So tired of staying up all night - just because I'm not tired, or too tired to fall asleep.

So tired of not dreaming good dreams - waking up and asking my dreamcatcher and God "why?". So tired of sitting around - waiting.

So tired of waiting, even though it has just begun. How long will this wait last? How long will I be incomplete? How long will I seek and cower in the corner, waiting for something more...

...waiting.

*sigh* Tired of waiting.

Waiting to be finished, waiting to come home, waiting to leave. Waiting to get an answer, or just to hear the question. Waiting to walk through the desert to get to the promised land. Waiting to be whole withouth this lack. Waiting to be...

something.

Just waiting. And tired.

Tired of waiting.

Want to be happy without this sorrow, want to smile without the memory, want to dream without the nightmares. Want to dance without restraint, want to sing like no one is listening, want to spin around like no one cares. Want to free myself from the prisons I live in - from the prisons I've produced.

Want so much - so very much.

And yet, must wait.

Confused, complicated - knowing that I'm worth more than what they say I am...but waiting to find out why.

Worth more...worth more...maybe rubies, maybe diamonds - or maybe just fool's gold. But have to be worth more...

don't I?

Worth waiting for, worth waiting....worth all of this...

doesn't it?

Worth something deeper, something grander, something sweeter, something finer.

Worth this waiting, worth this life - worth my heart when it is finally right.

Yes, yes. Worth more, more than all of this.

And at long last, something worth this - worth more.

-RK

saddness intense

It fills everything - every space, every hole, every gap in me. It fills.

Filling from the bottom of the floor to my mind where the feeling cannot escape...so I cannot escape.

Breath and sigh. Stop and think. Move from here back to there - and come home again. But nothing makes the wounds heal...

nothing hides the scars, nothing shows I'm home.

On a road with road signs - that don't make any sense. Looking for a rest stop, but there isn't one in sight.

Hoping to feel whole without feeling dead. Hoping to be alive without being in denial. Hoping to find...

something.

Fearing as the 11th hour comes closer. Every moment closer...Everytime I dream, everytime I wake, everytime I look past my own two feet; the 11th hour feels closer...

Bleeding from the outside in, tearing apart the pieces of me that still had this in them. Killing my windbroken spirit - frail and helpless, stopping it from dancing through the trees in the forest of my made-up reality. Deathly still in the middle of the meadow - straining to see if the moon will really rise tonight...tonight while it is so dark.

Falling asleep cradled in my own arms. Falling asleep, holding my own heart. Falling asleep in the fetal position, cuz it stops the pain for now.

Pain.

Yes, pain.

Not fear, not hate, not anger, not rage, not confusion, not decision, not trust or lack thereof.

But pain.

Pain walking with me down every road, at every stop, around every corner. Looking through the tinted glass into the one-way mirror; but ever really seeing me? Or just a reflection of the world...

Saddness ceasing me from moving, pain growing - deepening...

looking deep into the abyss that I fear I may have become.

Scared to death of moving forward - wanting so badly to get past this 11th hour...but knowing I'm really nowhere near.

Waiting to be moved - but not because I want to...

because I have to.

Trembling under my own weight, dizzy in the middle of the street. Calling out for something, begging someone...

almost thinking anything could be better...but isn't.

Traveling this road alone. People standing on the sidewalk, but not being able to see my road. Friends standing beside me - but not being able to walk along.

Tearing down the temples that I built - the temple that I was...temples of goddesses and morality. Temples of hurt and lack of trust. Temples of dreams - dreams turning into nightmares. Temples...

temples full of nothing.

One light breaks in the middle of the darkness. But do I dare get up and follow it? Could I ever trust it - ever feel it - ever know it...ever again? Or am I really that lost, really that gone, really that far from home?

No answers...just questions.

No direction, just road signs to follow. No guardrails, just a pass through the mountain, a way through the valley. Just a hope to follow, a dream to chase, wind to catch.

And that's what we're all doing...catching wind. Not air, not breath...but wind.

-RK

AT LAST!!!

Curse IP addresses that are assigned, and curse computers that can't figure out on their own how to automatically obtain one!

That's right, my long undue silence on the web was caused by an acursed IP address that was wrongfully assigned to my poor electronic baby! Curse You IP ADDY!!!!

But now I am FINALLY back to spill out all my guts and tell you all about it. *sigh*

Well, at least if nothing else - I will have some other release from the intense burning from within...

*sigh*

Yes...at least that.

-RK

pain immense

It begins when the night first falls, and it seems to last forever.
So cold...
So scared...

...

and Alone.

Tossing in the covers and wondering where your mind went. Lying awake and thinking about the stars, and wondering where their light went. Reading every word on every page and wondering where your direction went. Walking the road before you and yet wondering where your hope went.

Feet falling in front of you...

That's all you have to do, isn't it?

*sigh*

Just keep your feet falling in front of you...

But I am, but I have...but where I am going?

...Just let your feet fall.

But what if *I* fall?

...Just let your feet fall.

But what if I get lost?

...Just let your feet fall.

But what if...

What if?

If I end up under a different sky? If I stop being me and start being someone else? If I lose my mind and break my heart and never come home? If I let go too soon? If I hold on too long.

What if...?

The breath breathes stillest in the darkest hour of the night.
The moon was shining, but the clouds have covered it.

Titanium boxes and Pandoras' Boxes.

Simplicity, physicalicty and morality.

Conflict, constraint, and confusion.

Hospital Friendships...helping you throught.

Up through the sky and down into the midnight.

Riverbeds all dried up and life all lived up...

But where can this go from here?

From here where the pain is so immense?

-RK

Yours & Mine

Your love, my heart.
Your touch, my hands.
Your words, my lips.
Your truth, my hope.

Your breath, my lungs.
Your steps, my feet.
Your path, my will.
Your way, my life.

Breathe over all I am.
Cover up all I've been.
Form me into something else -
something beautiful to You.

Hold my quivering body
when the darkness does not end.
Wrap up Your will around me
when the path looks so unclear.

Love.
Peace.
Wisdom.
Grace.

You, all I need.
You, all I've got.
You, everything.
You, alive in me.

-RK

This weekend brought...

Graduation Saturday.

Chorale and good-bye hugs.

Walking by but not coming in.

Los Amigos and nausea.

Warm water. Old soda. Illness.

Grass. Library.

Rose petals and no shoes.

Carebears. Lying on rose beds and concrete.

Da Vinci Code and cell phone.

Picking white roses.

Tearing petals to pieces.

Honda CRV. Music Notebooks and MP3 Player.

Confusion.

Walking all over campus and down by the new road.

Laughing at the track.

Hair blowing in the wind.

Talking out loud. Honesty to only me.

Angwin. Tree.

Bad memories.

Prodigal Son. Dust. Water.

Thorns in the bottom of my feet.

South Hall and girlfriends.

Long line of leavers and the truth.

Going deaf. And dumb.

Lack of sleep. Lack of will.

Avoiding OC cuz of laziness.

Fish friend and food.

Packing like mad. Getting nowhere.

Good-bye to close friends.

Farewell to people just met.

Loud music and a/c.

Naps at 2:00.

New perspective on a future.

Sifting through a million things.

Memories. Again.

-RK

Do you remember?

Sometimes, you just have to wonder who is out there. Sometimes, you just have to stop and think about a world full of peole - and wonder who is listening to you; who cares and whose forgotten you.

I've known many people in this life - many I'm sure who have long since forgotten they ever knew me. And sometimes, I think about them and wonder what they would think if they remembered me. And sometimes, I just think about them and wonder where they are or who they became after so long. And sometimes...sometimes, I just think about them to remember them.

I remember people from Hawaii. People I only knew a little, but people I have seen since. And sometimes, I think of them. I think about running around in our bathin suits and swimming for hours on end and climbing palms trees if we could. Sometimes, I imagine that they still know me - and sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if they had.

I remember people from Germany. People I knew for a short while. People I would never see or talk to again. But I was a child then - that was okay, that was easy. But still, from time to time, I think of them. I try to imagine what their face looks like, try to remember what it looked like then. I think of them sitting in their living room with a family around and drinking coffee or eating cake and think - I'm sure they are doing just fine.

I remember people from Clearfield. People I knew well, people I spent my childhood with growing up. People who have all moved away, all changed their lives, all gone in different directions. I think of the summer evenings we spent in the middle of the street and the summer afternoons building dams in the gutter. I think of catching moths and rubbing their wings to make them my friends. I remember Briana getting grounded so often that summer seemed to fade away. I remember moving out...

I remember Simi Adventist School. I remember the playground, the bridge, and Marina. I remember my birthday at the beach, which didn't turn out so good. I remember Samuel - and seeing him when I was in high school. He hadn't changed much at all, I remember.

I remember people from Grace Brethren Elementary like Chad, who ate grass and loved insects too much. I remember calling RJ a fag - and getting called a fag every time he saw me after that. I think that was probably the end of that friendship. I remember walk-a-thons, tug-a-war between the two sixth grade classes, and having a crush on Mr. Green. I remember Lancer Park and lava monsters. I remember Yvone and Chris, I remember Tara and Kira, I remember taking pictures of Christian and walking the basketball courts with Pauline.

I remember Junior High. I remember my scavenger hunt birthday and Laura Hubbs being my friend. I remember Yosuko and Austin's obsession with girly pens. I remember Candy Land in study hall in the library. I remember flannel shirts and never wanting to shower. I remember thinking that was so cool - thinking I was so cool. I remember fighting with Melissa for a year. I remember the trip to Las Vegas with Tara, fighting over $20 which seemed like a lot then, and coming home feeling awkward. I remember Simon.

I remember High School. I remember days I felt like I couldn't get up and go to school without bawling. I remember Stretcher Bearers and crying on the stage in chapel. I remember James and Chelsea raising their hands during worship. I remember joining them. I remember James Needham, Jackson Beucham, Tyson Larson, Caleb Pitman, and Austin Reed. I remember Chris Welker. I remember senior retreat and "EH!". I remember Cup O' Noodle at lunch and working the snack shop. I remember ridiculously large Cherry Pepsis. I remember bright red lockers that I had to share with people. I remember finally having my own. I remember disecting cats and dropping out of AP History with Mr. Koster. I remember independent study US History and German III. I remember Christa and "Jar Takes Stakes". I remember black hair and braces. I remember wrestling with Tim and dancing with James. I remember Senior Banquet. I remember 6 am at Disneyland and Star Tours. I remember TPing the campus and being afraid of the police coming. I remember graduation. I remember leaving.

I remember so much it seems that I can never remember it all. I remember so many faces it seems I can never recall each that I have known. I remember what seems like lifetimes on end. I remember Hawaii and running to Mary's room in the middle of the night and I remember falling off my bike and breaking my tooth. I remember the Backstreet Boys, Pilar, and Bruce Willis. I remember feeling lost - I remember finding You...

I remember home.

I remember so much.

And now, I add to those memories as another page turns in my life, as another school year comes to its close. It doesn't seem like it should be over - but it really is. And so, the page turns again. Another summer comes and another year is over. Another dream has come into veiw and another has faded. Another year older and another day wiser. And as I move forward to a place I have never been before - alone - I remember so many things. And those memories, I take with me as the emblems of the life I had and as suvioners to the dreams I once had. So, I pack them away with all of my things as I yet again move out of one home to go to another for a short while.

Whatever that home brings me, I am not sure. But I know it will bring memories to one day pack away for later. I know it will bring dreams as well as nightmares. I know it will bring so many things - that I never knew it would bring.

But I'm not as scared now, because at least I know what I want. And that makes the world of difference...

So this page turns. This chapter ends. This day closes and with it I close one book to open an entirely new one. Wherever I end up from here - at least I will know You have led me, at least I will know it is right.

But for now, I say goodbye as friends leave for home and other countries. For now, I pack up all my things and leave this room behind. This room where I watched the world change and the world watched me grow. Yes, I leave this room and this life behind. I am going out onto a new path, a new road. What it brings? Not a clue.

But I know that I'm on my way - just as soon as I leave this room.

-RK

To My Future Husband

Dearest one,

At this point in my life, I still don't know who you are going to end up being. And at this point, I'm not going to try and figure it out anymore. Really, to be honest, I'm not sure how to go about starting this, but I have so much that I have been wanting to tell you - wanting to share with you.

It started so long ago, when I wondered who I would marry. For as long as I can remember, I loved having guy friends and I loved just being able to have fun. For the longest time, I didn't think I needed a boyfriend - I never really thought I needed to date. But then, as I got older, that space in me started becoming apparent and suddenly it seemed, I wanted more. At that time, I thought it was me being ready for a boyfriend. Now I see, it was me beginning to grow up.

But, since I didn't know what I was doing, I started going after the proverbial "date". It started with Austin and ended with Chris. Started with sitting at the side of the pool thinking I wanted to go for a swim, ended up with me & Chris jumping off the diving board into the shallow end and bashing our heads in.

And as for right now? Now, I'm in the emotional emergency room with my head all bandaged up, showing me that I was wrong. And I know Chris is somewhere in the hospital, but I don't really know where or how he's doing from the fall. I just know that when I get out of here, I'm going to go back to that pool. I don't know who I'll find there, but I know that one day, it will be you.

But I have to tell you, I'm not jumping off the diving board again, not into the shallow end. I've been to the hospital one too many times for that, and I won't jump off until I know I'll land in the 12 foot deep end. So until then, we can put our feet in the water and see how the water feels. Maybe then, one day we will go to the diving board.

OK, so maybe I'm being a little vague. I guess vague metaphors is just what I'm best at. But instead of confusing you, let me be frank. I've put this stuff up on my online journals other places, but here is really the only place I'm talking to you directly aobut it. So if and when you find me - at least you can know what on earth I'll be talking about.

I'm not dating again. I can't do it, and I never really wanted to - I just didn't know it. I'd love to be friends, and one day be intimate friends - then one day we can enter courtship. But I won't be your girlfriend and I won't go on dates with you.

Now I'm pretty sure you think that I sound crazy, but let me explain.

Dating is a non-commitment commitment. Dating is a marriage without a vow, an engagement without a ring, and a relationship that does not have to be centered on love or honesty. In fact, it rarely is. Dating, with its physical element, allows two individuals to create a relationship with the centrifugal force being physical conctact. It carries with it emotions that shouldn't be stirred and pain that wouldn't otherwise exist.

On the other hand, a deeply rooted reltionship born out of an intimate, non-physical friendship has a very different centrifugal force. The reason is this: once you remove the force of the physical from the reltionship, you must re-center upon something. Now, if the friendship is the type of friendship that will one day end in courtship - and marriage - that center becomes honesty and God. And a center like that makes all the difference.

So, okay, I'm not sure that I am really making much sense. But if you have gotten this far in my life - I'm assuming that you understand I often don't tend to make much sense when I'm trying to explain something complicated. But that point aside, I hope that I am at least making some degrees of sense.

To be honest, this letter is born out of a conversation I had with my good friend, Felisa. Ironically, we have been traveling very similar roads these days. Except that she just got back to the pool after two years of being in the hospital. She wanted to put her feet in, but the guy she wanted to put her feet in with drove away from the pool. Ironically, I'm still in the hospital at this point. But anyway, it's strange how we both agreed on this concept.

What concept exactly is that? The concept of friendship instead of dating relationship. The concept of honesty and God as center, not physical contact. The concept of waiting, not dating.

That really is it. That really is what I have been struggling to verbalize for the past few weeks. That really is what this whole situation drove me into without my realizing it. It is just that: I don't want to date, I never really did - but I didn't know how else I could ever find a husband.

Now, I am hoping that I was right about all of this, because I am truly hoping that you are reading this. If you are - then I'll know that this story does have a happy ending. If you aren't, then maybe I'm still missing a factor in the equation.

But I really pray that you are reading this, and I pray that we were able to stick to this without too many screw-up and too many confused conversations, and too many hurt feelings. I know it isn't an easy road to travel. And I realize that once emotions get involved in something like this, the hardship of the commitment mutliplies rapidly. But I also realize that this is the only way to protect my heart from this pain - this ravaging - this breaking that it was never intended to do.

And honestly, if God has you out there for me - something simple like not being someone's girlfriend won't change that. I mean, if God took the time to pick you out - then I know that He will bring us to a place where it will work no matter what we do.

So I hope that one day I actually get to meet you, and I hope that one day you actually get to read this. But for now, until I do and until you do, this serves as a letter to those who maybe don't understand. I hope that it can explain what's been going on inside my head now for some time. I hope it can explain why I wasn't cut out to be someone's girlfriend. Ironically, it's in the name. Bound: but you can't be bound to a whole world of people and you can never truly commit if you are.

So, in short, what I am trying to say here is just that. I am bound - bound somehow by God to you, wherever and whoever you are. And I hope and pray that, for now, you are willing to say the same.

With the deepest of loves I will one day hold for you,
RLL

In the Shallow End

mourning

A gray horizon rising without rain
Where has the sun gone?
Mourning for the loss it feels
here in California, as he comes to his rest.

Trembling under the weight of the horizon
Where has my happiness gone?
Fading as I look down a road I'm made to walk
feet falling in front, heart almost left behind.

The world's coming crashing down-
and it isn't just because of this.
Where has the strength gone?
I used to wait for you, now I'm not so sure...

Afraid of tomorrow and the darkness it dawns with.
What's becoming of that girl I was?
Scared and pushed back beyond all of the silence,
to a place where she isn't so safe.

My happiness stands at the top of this mountain, just waiting.
Why am I clamouring down the hillside away from it?
Following the nail piereced hands I know so well-
but not knowing where they are going to take me.

Terrified of tomorrow, scared to death of dreaming.
What happens when I realize where I am?
Everything I ever wanted is disappearing in the vapor
the roses are dying from the rain.

So much hurt never thought I could contain.
How do you say goodbye knowing they're still alive?
An unliteral death steals away whatever hope you had.
At least you will see them in heaven.

Clay made jars cracking and breaking.
How do I clean up this mess within me?
Sweeping away the wheat with the chaffe
only because I can't see the difference.

Hold my own hand in the dark, crying myself to sleep.
When does this emptiness heal?
Struggling to love without a spaceless expression-
hoping to hurt without the memories taking control.

Is this not enough?
Was it never enough?
Will anything I ever have be enough?
Or is the eleventh hour finally here?

Hold me - I'm scared.
Wrap me up in the warmth-
so I don't wrap my breath up in the blankets,
sobbing when there is no air good enough to breathe.

Home.
I want to come home.
But if I did, would you be there?
And if I stay, will you come for me?

Comfort...
the word seems so little
but it means so much.
Comfort, how I need comfort now.

Sun, son - where have you gone?
Spirit within me, why are you asleep?
Father, daddy - my strenght and my redeemer...
why have you not?

If only I had more answers...
less pain...
If only I could go to the funeral and say goodbye.
But there won't be one tonight.

So I'll sit here in my room, all alone
and I'll stare at the white wall on my own
and I'll remember the feeling of last summer...
and wonder where it all went away to.

Heal. Stength. Comfort.
Come quickly to me Spirit of oil.
How I need the balm you can offer,
how I need to know you care.

-RK

Another Apology?

I must apologize - yet again - although I fear this one mayn't reach the ears of the those who need to hear it. If the people who need never see this - God, please let them know that I am truly sorry.

The apology is yet again for poor behavior - although this time it was born out of simply not knowing what to do. A lack of wisdom...

*sigh* A lack of so many things within me.

But that is not the point. I was lost, confused, and mixed-up. My heart was pounding like a sledgehammer in my chest and I couldn't get it to quiet. I couldn't even get my voice to get out of my throat...trapped within myself, scared and cowering under the weight - afraid of what was coming.

You are, I'm sure, without having to hear the poundings of my soul - that I would expect. But I'm sure you can feel the wave, the surge of frightenedness as it wafts across the room like a hurricane coming across the ocean. I'm sure you feel it - and I'm sorry.

I wish I was happy and ... beautiful.

But I'm just not.

And I'm sorry.

Sorry for being immature, again. Sorry for not being all that I could have or should have been in that moment - and even for just thinking the wrong thoughts and being the wrong kind of angry. Sorry for rage and words that again were not appropriate. Slamming of doors and an angry look in my eyes. I wasn't angry - I was scared.

And I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to You - God, for being angry and for yelling at You too.

I hope You will forgive me.

So if you are reading this and you know what I mean - then please accept this menial apology and strive to forgive someone who just doesn't know any better.

I'm sorry - for those who need to hear it. For those who know, for those who understand.

-RK

A new window...

Just another simple, silly little update. You may notice the appearence of a new photo. The former website stopped hosting my first picture and despite how much we all loved it - I felt that this picture from the Escaflowne movie was just as good - if not more descriptant of how I so often feel these days.

So curl up with the falling feathers from your missing angel and fall fast asleep - or read about all of mine as I try to.

*sigh* I'm sure there will be more said on that, later. But until there is, listen to the lack where your angel's heartbeat was while I tell you all about mine.

-RK

Beautiful

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
Put on the make-up to cover it all.
Crying myself to sleep ‘cause I can not keep their attention
Thought I could be strong, but it’s killing me.

Does someone hear my cry?
I’m dying for new life.

I want to be beautiful and make you stand in awe
look inside my heart and be amazed
I want to hear you say who I am is quite enough
just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone
Other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won’t you help me back to glory?

I want to be beautiful and make you stand in awe
look inside my heart and be amazed
I want to hear you say who I am is quite enough
just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

You make me beautiful, you make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart and I am amazed
I love to hear you say who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love
And beautiful

***

Just because that's how I feel...maybe that's how we all feel at some point. I don't know - but I know I feel this now more than ever...more than before.

-RK

Watching over you, even from a distance

I'm always here.
I haven't changed - it's still just me.
And I'm still here whenever for whatever you need.
And it's that same girl who always was - whose still here.

If you need a hand in the dark-
Reach out for mine.
If you need a whisper in the night-
lend your ear to my voice.
If you ever find yourself lost and you don't know where to turn...
Come to me and I'll try to help you find home.

When it's cold outside and you feel like the world is crumbling to pieces-
Remember me.
When it's night outside but you need to run screaming...
Look for me.

I'm just ten numbers away on the telephone bill,
I'm just a car ride or a plane trip away.
I'll always be under the same sun-
if even at a different time.
I'll always be the same me...
even if you don't recognize my face.
It's still me in there, still me inside...
still me to hug you and help you through the night.

So when the world comes crashing down
and if your life feels like a landslide,
Don't foget me on this side of the world
when you need someone to remind you you're alive-
Or to show you the narrow road again.

You may change and make some foolish choices,
or feel like you've squandered your life.
You may end up happy-
or well off in Berevly Hills.
But the night that the bottom of your dreams falls out...
Don't forget the times that I was there in the past
and remember I've pomised to always do the same.

Cuz I'm still here, watching over you...
even if you're far away.
And I'm still hear praying over you...
even when you walk right by.
I'm still here - loving you
even if you're gone for good.

Cuz there may be one day when you need me,
or even if you just think of me...
and I want you to always know
that I'm still here if you ever care.

-RLL

For those of you who need to hear the words; for those who don't know it; and for those who I have loved - and still do. Beloveds - my heart goes with you, even when you don't notice. And I want you to always know that no matter where you are or what you have done, I will always be here waiting to hear how you are and willing to be there when that isn't so good.

Elegy to Reagan

Goodbye to a legacy
I never really got to know.
And farewell to a legend
I never got to see.

Only a child when
his name graced these states.
Didn't catch much news then,
too busy traveling the world.

And I was only six year old
when he left the office of America.
Now 14 years later, I'm twenty
as he leaves America behind.

His face was familiar-
something everybody knew.
His pain became his staple;
something anyone could see.

And his name meant something great-
not only to those who knew him.
His time spent in office
changed this country for the better.

But now that's all over
as we lay him to his rest.
Now, it's all finished
as America says farewell.

Tears in Lady Liberty's eyes
as the casket rolls away.
Hearts all across the greatland
feel an inckling of that pain.

He isn't coming back to us;
he can't help us remember our dream.
But he's gone on on to a better place
where one day again, we'll meet.

Farewell dear friend,
that America can't be proud enought to know.
Farewell dearest President
There is no doubt you will be missed.

Farewell President Ronald Reagan,
You will not be forgotten.

-RLL

Apolgies Needed

I feel like I need to apologize to several people for some very poor behavior brought on last night by a very frustrating issue with a monitor.

It was late, probably around 2:00 A.M. and my mind was already swimming in the bog of a sixy page script. Not to mention I had been successfully angst ridden from Coffee Depot and realizing that I'm too afraid of feeling to actually DO it. So, it was 2 am and I had just come back to hear the monitor issue on my answering machine - not making me feel chipper, yah know!

So now I have to deal with the peice o'junk, which I really do not have the mental capacity to do.

Then there is the cursing - and at 2 am when I'm that tired (pulling all-nighters till 4-ish all week long) and have that much more to do (30 pages of a 60 page assignment due at noon the next day)...

*sigh* Oh, I'm not really here to complain more. I just wanted to explain the situation before the apology. It isn't an excuse - it's just an answer to the "why".

But now - the apology that I owe several people.

I have to say sorry for cursing. Sorry for acting like I was upset at extenuating persons to a situation that I was just in general unhappy about in many aspects.

I must say sorry for interposing situations upon people who didn't deserve to have themselves interposed. And I must say sorry for not being forthcoming about the situation at hand and for not just dealing with it directly.

I must say sorry for presenting myself in a way that could have portrayed that I was angry at certain persons with whom I have no anger presided at all.

I must apologize for being unclear - if I was unclear in my intention or indignation. I only meant to express my frustration toward the individual whom I felt wronged I and others. Instead, I think I began expressing my general angst toward the world - toward this life, and toward my course load which I couldn't mentally handle on top of the situation at hand.

Again, I'm not trying to make excuses. If this comes across that way - forgive me. I am only trying to explain why I was so angry...where the raging came from. And really, more so than trying to explain - I feel the deepest need to apologize to those who were involved, affected, or in any way impacted by the events that sprawled out yesterday night at around 2:00.

So again, I say sorry to those who had to come in contact with an immature expression of feelings that I wasn't sharing. Really - the biggest problem was that I was feeling twenty different things and expressing them all in my raging anger.

Also, I really must apologize for my language. It was uncalled for, unrational, and immature. I was acting out of my frustration, my weariness, and the laughter that was occuring on a different front of the hysteria. But wherever it came from - it was supremely uncalled for and I feel very badly.

In general - I hope this apology reaches those who were involved in the events of the night on Thursday/Friday morning. To be short, I was inconsiderate, rude, tactless, and even quite heartless.

I did nto express the appreciation of the goods and did not properly express my frustration toward the ills.

Overall, I reacted improperly and I hope that those who were involved can see that. If they had not previously, or if any of the emotions were misread or miscommunicated - I sincerely hope and pray that this can serve to help and mend those misconceptions.

I also pray that all of those involved are willing and able to forgive my foolishness. I will be more wary of such things in the future - but I think we all slip at times. I only hope I can be forgiven for my childish and uncalled-for behavior.

In short - I think all I can really say in different words and different ways is just this: I'm sorry. Please take the time and heart to frogive me, who acted childishly.

Really, that is all I can do - all I can say. Just beg the forgiveness of those I hope still matter, those I hope still care.

And until then, I will work on cleaning the mouthg, polishing the emoitional processing, and get some more sleep.

Again - I'm sorry.

-RaliKat

Still moving...

Well, if you have checked out the links lately - you will notice yet ANOTHER journal by me.

Yes, that's right. I have just discovered Xanga's online journal website thanks to Felisa and Diana - and I am going to try my hand at it. So if you feel so led, go ahead and click the link and check it out.

And remember that feedback is ALWAYS welcome!

-RK

thank you

Los Amigos salsa.
Mixed with tons of ketchup -
but still salsa.

Kimchee pepper.
aquired taste
that I can't figure out why I like.

Eating chips and Picante at home...
not with cream cheese cuz mild isn't hot
Not anymore.

Changed, altered
never the same again.
You -
you did this to me.

Driving in a kia - windows down,
my hair not pulled back.
The passenger seat pushed back as far as it can go.

Whipping around corners,
not even teasing the break.
Letting everything in the car slide from side to side.

One hand on the wheel,
but not how its safe.
Falling asleep half way to Simi.

Changed, altered.
never that me again.
You -
you made me see the world like this.

Coffee-shop hopping,
but always coming back to Starbucks-
or Butler's Brew in WoodRanch.

Regal cinema, Thomas Kinkade-
Bed, bath, and beyond...
so far beyond I lost track.

Sitting down stairs by the tv.
Bird room, getting lost...
always willing to see we're wrong.

Changed, altered.
Never seventeen again.
You -
you left me life this.

Christmas day as a driving effort,
Fourth of July -
the loneliest day of each year.

Easter comes,
but I'm still here,
without eggs in any baskets.

England...
can't wait to come home,
can't wait to leave.

Changed, altered.
never safe here again.
You -
you showed me this.

Showed me that I was a dreamer,
how perfect I thought I was...
only to prove me wrong.

Took my heart to give it back -
but now nothing looks the same.

Changed, altered.
That's what you did for me.

Changed me.
Altered me.
And I'll never be the same again.

-RK

Getting back to life or just more whining

Sitting here, sorta enjoying the blueberry poptart which is all I will eat today...

Sadly, it isn't very good though. Maybe I can find the time for a corndog or a griller...or a bowl of easy mac and apple sauce - just maybe.

But really thinking no, because my stomach is killing me. Curse Big Franks! They have ruined me.

Well, it's nice to be able to write about life - and that's it. Not wretching or whimpering, not really. Just writing about life and how it keeps going on.

Really wish I didn't have this stomach ache - but can't get it to go away and Poptarts just aren't helping. Maybe it's because I haven't had a decent meal since... ... ... ...saturday night.

Who knows, but this has got to stop.

I would go to Los - but I don't have the funds this week...$5 in my pocket tells me I need gas and I don't think anyone else is buying.

*sigh*

This really has to stop.

Well, probably killing my pink flower plant, just because I don't know how to care for plants very well - never much light in this room. Never much of anything good in this room...

but that's okay, I am leaving it in less than two weeks. *sigh* I have already started moving out.

I don't want to live in Angwin ... but it looks like I'm not going to have a choice. It's just such a terrible place, such a horrible building, too many memories...

Oh here we go again.

*Sigh* This Really has to stop.

Well, at least Ping has been looking happily lately. He keeps me company - reminds me I'm still alive, despite how crappy...*sigh*

This really really needs to stop.

Maybe it is time for me to get my things together and go to class. I don't want to go to class. I don't want to be in school anymore. I don't want to write a stupid one-act play, or a hacked-up 60 page script, or a letter to myself in ten years, or ponder the 27 fundamental beliefs of Adventism.

I just don't!

*Sigh* I know, this whining and complaining and procrastinating and anger really needs to stop.

But so does a million other things...that aren't. So maybe just one more day of whining and not eating three full meals and being mad at the school work that I refuse to do because I have better things to talk about and because my life is more important than some stupid AALit book called "Still Life with Rice"...*sigh* But then again, maybe not.

I wish this all would just be done.

I want to leave this place and not have to slather myself all over Lousy Area's campus - and not have to slather myself in aloe anymore...and not have to slather my heart all over the internet and page after page after page after page of journal.

I want to go to England.

I want to leave here, leave everything that is here - and just go to England.

I want my life to be okay...I want to be okay. I want everything else to be okay too.

*sigh*

This really needs to stop.

-RK