Phantoms living in me...

Sometimes it seems that if I just dream, you would be here.
Wishing I could hear your voice again, knowing that I never will.
Dreaming of you won't help me to do all you knew I could.

Ahh, the smell of 'pto' is in the air, and life is so fine!

I am happy, I am seeing movies - I have RotK - and life is fine.

Thank you to all who make my life...good. *wink*

I'm done now. Can't think of anything more intelligent, so for all of those looking for a highly detailed account of my state of my existence and all of the joys and fears hidden within my heart...pondering as you all do if I am still the same me I was before we parted...

...umm. Too bad.

That's it. I'm done.

-RK

Have you been listening, again?

Because I've been talking.

And I know it shouldn't suprise me that you didn't know it - but it always did. It always confused me to know, always made me wonder why it was that way - why the world was that way. Why we all treat each other that way.

But I guess humanity is the same no matter where you are. Home or away, people treat people all the same. And while I'd like to pretend that you could go somewhere to escape all the hate, all the injustice, and the ignorance, all the harshness - really, the only place to go is inside your own mind.

Even then. It doesn't solve it all.

We all hate. We all lie and steal and cheat. We are all insincere, all cold, all uncaring, unloving, abrasive brats who only scream and cry for what we want. We are all unfair, all cruel, and all cynical.

Even when it comes to our better points - we still aren't perfect.

Most people aren't expected to be.

Then, some of us are.

As for me, I guess it is best to take what you get out of life. Whether you get to be ahead or you have to fall behind. Whether you have a chance to run the race, or you have to sit on the sidelines. Whether you know who and what you are, or if you never get it straight.

I think for me, it really is the most ideal thing you can do to just take what you get. I mean, it shouldn't have to be that way. We should all get to be idealistic dreamers, and things should all end up okay.

But they don't.

And if you never learn to take what you get, chances are you aren't going to get very much.

Sadly.

-RK

No, really, I'm done.

That's right.

No more papers. No more tests.

No essays, no research, no readings, no homework.

No stress on the educational front.

For at least a month.

All the loose ends tied up, and the grades ready to be assigned.

*quivers* Dear Lord *gazing skyward* I pray I did okay!

-RK

I am so done with This!

Lit. Crit. is over!

That's right.

Oh, and by the way - I am so done with research.

I refuse to research a single thing.

Well...

...okay, at least until next January! =0D

Either way, I have nothing to do for the rest of the day. I am going to pull down my big blue suitcase, stuff all of my lovely things into it - and get ready to come home so I can go away with a clear mind on Tuesday...

...to think about nothing, and yet everything. All at once.

Oorah!

I am, for once, happy. I am done.

Save Vic. Lit.

Sigh. Two more hours and four more hours of work...

then I will be sovery done!

-RK

It's almost time...

I have a bad tendency to not finish things.

I have a way of saying things, and not meaning them; a way of looking for things, but not really wanting to find them; a way of requiring things, but not holding up to them.

I don't know why.

I guess the problem is that I'm becoming more and more like what I used to criticize. And the more I look at the world, the more I keep wondering why I am becoming what I'm becoming.

...But more than that, why people don't seem to be able to understand it anymore. It's like you become like someone just when they forget why they were ever that way.

And no matter what you do, you always end up being the one whose being blamed.

I just don't understand it.

I used to think that I had things figured out - but now I only know that I don't.

It's sort of upsetting, you know. Sort of off-putting, when you really start to think about it.

Sigh.

I know, I know. It'll all come together in the end.

But frankly, I'm tired of screwing up, of being misunderstood, and of not getting the questions answered.

I just want to feel safe and warm for once. Why am I not allowed that?

Why do I end up out in the cold, while everyone else is able to come home and feel secure?

Why do I end up on the downside...everytime I try?

I don't know - but I'm tired.

So please, just don't ask me any questions anymore. I'm tired of thinking of the answers to them. Just let me rest here, in some peace for once.

But don't think I won't notice things anymore...

I will, but I don't know that I'll say anything this time.

...sigh.

I really am tired.

-RK

Screw the"single life"!

I do not want to be single!

I'm sick of living in a dorm. I'm sick of living with girls. I'm sick of ticking "single" on applications. And I'm sick of sleeping with a duck!

I'm tired of speculations, and I'm tired of wondering what the future might be.

I want to know now. I want it to be now.

I want someone to kiss goodnight, and cuddle with in the morning. I want someone who'll make me breakfast on a Sunday morning and wake me up on a Monday with a cup of coffee and a smile.

I want to live in a place of my own and cook dinner for two after a long day at school, sitting down with someone I love and cherish to talk about everything that went wrong - and everything that is still going to.

I want someone to cry with, someone to laugh with, someone to share everything with - even the grime that gets built up around the fauset in the shower when you haven't used Lime Away TM in too long.

I don't want a friend. I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want a significant other. And I don't want a fiance.

I want a husband.

And yes, I realize I'm just being antsy - but gosh, darn it! I'm tired of single dorm life. I've had three years of this.

I don't know that I can take much more!

...sigh.

Oh well. 'll have to wait, anyway. Sigh.

I guess until then, I'll just write about my character who makes the wrong choices and ends up alone forever - and I'll just have to hope that doesn't turn out to be me.

-RK

Just look around

It seems like everything is still and quite?

...just look around.

There is a whole world out there and all of it is dying.

...just look around.

Every inch of every maple leaf that turns colors in Autumn, and every blade of grass that has to die to make way for the snow. It all somehow fits in the spectrum of things

...just look around.

Around you is the answers to all the questions you've always been asking. You think it is so complicated - and yet, it really is quite simple.

It's all about love - and if you do or if you won't. It's all about getting through, not getting to. And all over the place, there are people like her - and there are people like you. To understand what it means, in the end of things,
all you have to do is

Just look around.

-RK