A lapse of memory in the loneliness

When had we forgotten that we were alone? At what point did we think there was a place for us? A community that might, freely and openly, open its doors for us? At what point had we forgotten that there are no such doors to speak of?

But that we were standing, cold against the chill, in a field filled with darkness. And sorrow. With the crows and the doves of this world. Just trying to scrape by on whatever gets left over.

That we are the dead. The last and the lost. Ineffectual and stone cold. Hopeless already before we ever began. A generation of those hit with the debts of our forebearers. A generation without the benefits of happiness and re-creation. A generation with the weight of the cost. A generation that will, in effect, not be able to bear up.

Let us not forget.
We should not forget.
We cannot forget.

Only push aside the means of the numbness we are pretending not to partake in. Only push down the price already on our heads. Only close our eyes to the ends our modern lives instill. Only shut our ears to the screams our current lives now feed. Only cut ourselves off from the raw reality of what our desires have done.

Only pretend that others are not just populating the road beside us, but travelling in the same direction. Seeing the same lights. Reading the same signs. Knowing the same way. Only pretend that it is not the dead walking alongside the blind.

Should we try to forget, we will eventually see the truth again, and the disappointment when the others diverge - the weight when the others do not come along - the loneliness when the others leave, will be terrible and heavy. Like lead stones hung around our necks. So that we will be tempted to sink into the bottom of despair where an end comes quickly to our dreams.

So instead, let's you and I spend our lives singing a song based on the terribleness of the loneliness that is inherent in this model, this design. And in singing it, remember: despite the number of others around us, we have no reason to hope in an end to the loneliness upon this road. In going this way, in walking until our feet bleed and our hearts stop, we cannot depend on anyone to follow us that far into the night.

Then, we can be prepared, expecting at any moment to be alone again - just the two of us against the world. Huddled in the sorrow and the void, watching the spiral spin itself down. Watching the Weft unwind. Watching the world collapse.

Perhaps wondering why, but knowing still the inevitability of the fact. That the way we had gone was a terrible one that had already lead us to the door of death and destruction. And that there was no way out but going through it.

So then. Let us keep watch for the collision instead of hoping for the a bend in the road - a place to settle in - a little valley to huddle in against the cold. And let us stand watch over the others instead of trying to turn them - trying to change them - trying to re-invent them. And let us keep our eyes on the last light instead of on this desperate trying and scrabbling and hoping for a home that could house our hopes. Because there is no structure safe enough amongst the muddles we have made to build upon.

But, there is still hope. Still aim in this duprass. Still a shot worthwhile in this dark. Still a chance that we might still make it into the night alive. Still a hope that we might even make it through in time.

In time to tear at the walls like rats in the gutter, trying desperately to make a big enough hole to let the wind back in. So that with the wind, we can breathe the air again. And with the air in our lungs, we can know the way back home again. And with the way clear, we can bring the others along.

Where has January gone?

And so, here we are. February 11 of the year. The first month has concluded with no real conclusions. Only the same fluttering of ideas, concepts, conceived hopes of some change on the horizon. Imminence, possibly - but nothing else.

Just same old, same old. Days going by. Trying to write, play bass, make songs, get over stage fright. Get over voice fright. Learning, but not sure it's going fast enough at this rate. At this pace.

Preparing, planning, aiming at doing the double-bass thing, as bad of an idea as that sounds. Get a bow, bow the double, possibly the electric. Ruin horse hairs, wear down strings. So, maybe just the one and see how that goes.

Probably that. Don't take on too much, or you're sure to fail. Bound to fall. Sure to lose. Either way.

Serious depression, now, over two things:
1) The amount of money spent on loop stations, pedals, other "necessities" that we don't need. Conveniences. Comforts. Things we like to make us feel like we're important or good at something or going somewhere. Electricity, possibly a part of this problem. Production, over saturation of things at hand. Goods easily attained. Rich welfare. Scraps of the gods of this world. Possibly poisoned with their intent. Hard to tell. But we pick them up anyway. Which leads to the second:

2) Life in general. Lack of direction, maybe. Or purpose. Ability, impact - interconnecctedness. Real effect and how much we can even reasonably expect. How much is even possible. How much divergence from the norm should we partake in, and have we even really been willing to risk that much? Is it enough?

Feels like time to reset. Hit some button in our lives, re-evaluate, find a better direction or pace of lifestyle or livelihood. Whatever. Do something we can actually fucking get behind. Music, writing, drawing - sure. But there's a bigger question here. The question of how to take what we need. How to get it?

Food service has been the answer up until now, but what? Coffee? Not sustainable, imported, drug, addiction. Possibly, as a past time because we have built a system of crime that we cannot topple yet. This is in question, still. Possibly, the refusal of the addicted. So then we approach tea. Slightly more sustainable or vastly? Nothing other than a feeling of an answer. No research, no solid ground. So then: still imported, still drugs, still addiction. Still, a past time. So it goes.

Then, we get to food. Real food. Local food, locally grown, locally produced, seasonal, nothing outside of the realm. And we get: sandwiches. Possibly a livelihood. But as business? Business model? Taxes, system, revenue, income, etc. It gets so bogged down. Openness against a system might be a solution. Might inspire someone, something, somewhere. Might possibly work. Worth a shot. Have to find the means. Not easy, but not impossible.

A direction, at least. Something to look to. Possibly pursue.

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There were other considerations included here before, in the original text where these thoughts spawned - at the coffee cart, working with coffee. And thinking.

The new mode hasn't segwayed to them. And, for whatever reason, they feel inappropriate now. Things about spirituality and sexuality, about gender and god. Maybe we'll come back to it. Sometime later, when the weight of just what we're doing has decreased. Or, when the importance of it makes room. Or, simply when we can get the connection between the two to link back up again.

Because it is important - imperative, you could say. The way we see reality, one another, and a sense of the spiritual. These play into our perceptions, what we consider important - imperative. Directly connected to what we do. What we believe. What we will fight for.

And so, we'll come back to it. Sometime.

Community Questions

I have this quandry.

I live in the city. Not a particularly large one, but a city nonetheless. With an economy based on businesses run by individuals and companies trying to earn profit in order to make a living. The companies and individual businesspeoples in turn support the farms that grow the food, the farmers who tend the farms, the transportation of goods, etc. I, in turn, support my community by supporting these ends.

Now, I have two issues with this. One, is that as a result of my supporting those supporting the direct product, I have no control over the quality of that product. Only the quality of the end result by making a choice to choose high quality businesses to support. However, that does not mean that I get a choice over the quality of the pieces that make up the whole.

Take for example a restaurant. Let's say they use all local meat and as much local produce as possible. But, it's January and the American public expects fresh tomatoes to be on the menu, no exceptions. Or, rice. Or, fresh bell peppers. Or, fresh spinach. The problem is that those items during a January in the Northwest are not available. But, the company cannot turn the majority of its public away, and so it adapts. It buys from big producers, it imports, it cuts corners.
Everyone does this because the expectation is impossible. But, by little me tailoring my wants to fit the current time of year and climate has no effect on the business's larger decision. And so, I have no control.

However, here is the other side of the same coin. I could, for all intents and purposes have a very similar experience at home as at any given business in my city. With enough time and effort and consideration, I could - for the most part - replicate what the city offers me. However, not to the same level of expertise as someone who focuses on that given skill. That could be foregone. However, another cost is the atmosphere. By which, I mean, the people. I can sit at home and eat shortbread and drink tea - but I would have to do it all alone. No community. No conversation. No interaction.

And, also, at the same time, the problem is not solved because I still have to go through the same channels of business in order to acquire anything I need to survive. I must go to the store, which is a business making choices I have no control over, and find the best quality goods that I can from what the business has already chosen to stock. And, in supporting the company, I support the practices and purchases that I don't.

So, it's a lose, lose.

There is of course the option of a self-sustaining community in which the people involved commit to producing all the things that meet all the needs of each member.
That is, of course, ideal. But, impossible in a city. And, impractical in the modern culture if you wish to have an impact to more than, let's say, a handful of people.

That might be worth sacrificing. It's in question.
But, of course, that also means that you have to find a community large enough to support itself that is on the same track with the same goals and similar enough needs that they could all be met by the community. And, you would have to have enough wealth in this day and age to jump-start a self-sustaining community.

Neither of which we have. Which makes the question, then, is there really a question at all? We cannot, in the city, be fully self-sustaining. We cannot support a business that fits 100 percent with our ideals. And, we cannot control the decisions of the businesses we choose to support.

So, then, is the answer still the same? Take what you need and do what you can with it? Speaking with honesty and openness against the portions of the system you do not support and striving to change others minds, as well? Fair enough, but now the question is deeper than that:

What do we need?
Food, water, shelter, and possibly community.
All of which are impossible, now, without a company - it would seem.