searing pain

Skin burning.

Not from anger or passion or even a long dip in a hot spa or a steaming shower.

Oh no.

Skin burning from damage, from the sun searing down on my flesh for 5 hours...without due sunscreen.

Nearly every inch of my body aching, burning - like needles of fire pricking my skin all over my body.

Can't wear a t-shirt, it sticks to the masacred skin. Can't wear pants - they chaffe the tattered nerves warning my brain to be careful, because THIS HURTS!

PJ's and my bathrobe - you are my only salvation.

Feeling more and more pathetic with each new section of my body that I discover is burnt.

Leg, back, stomach - what am I going to do? How can I just sit here and do my homework.

Can't open the windows for fresh air - can't let the world see me like this, so pathetic - so in pain.

Not able to sit down, to lean back, to lie in my bed and whimper.

Too much burning - and too much to do.

Red like a lobster - head to toe, front to back, every inch of my un-sunscreened skin.

Slathering aloe vera on all of the burns, hoping that the pain will stop long enough to write my one-act play.

Oh, what am I going to do?

Can't sit still, can't concentrate, can't stop slathering my burns in handfulls of aloe.

It's the only thing that helps - the only aid that makes the pain stop for a while.

So miserable. So very much pain.

Red throbbing all over - hot searing, flesh feeling like its separating itself from the bone; like the nerves are pulling away from their place.

Every inch of me rifled with agony...

Oh how I hate long days at the beach when I think I'd like to get a tan...

Oh how I hate sunburns that burn like fire all over your body.

Oh how I hate being thusly clad.

-RK

looking for something

Not okay, not well, not doing very good at all.

whimpering, sighing, and falling apart...
little pieces of me getting lost and forgetting to come back to live.

Wishing I was something more- but realizing I'm not much of anything at all...

other than sad.

Wishing I could smile, wishing I would dance...

but knowing I just won't.

realzing life isn't getting led this way; realizing I'm not moving forward this way...

but not sure that I can remember how to walk, or if I'm even ready to try.

wishing, hoping, dreaming - but not falling asleep.

Is faith still involved? I sure thought so, but now I'm starting to wonder...

crying to not be so sad, to not feel this bad, to not stumble around my room looking for something to hold onto anymore.

Looking for some penance, searching for something more - and wondering if I will ever find it.

Looking for a way to be okay in all the sadness, in this deep stillness...even in the silence.

Being alone to find me - being me to feel alone.

Whatever this is coming to...

I hope I realize it soon.

Soon, before I drowned and lose my chance to come back, to come home...

ever again.

-RK

but I wished...

Wish I had something more to say, but I really don't.

I see that this tenth hour is not through yet - and yet I wish it would fall into the eleventh.

...sigh...

it just hasn't.

Coming, coming; closer, closer; almost here, on the edge of my doorway; pacing, pacing - running, stumbling...

Why is it still so far away? and how long am I going to have to wait?

...sigh...

I guess if this is Abraham, I have to get to the mountain top with my hand above my head, ready but not steady at all. I have to wait before I can know what God is really doing here.

And I guess if the mountain were smooth - I could never climb it, never climb high enough - not to find You...or what You really meant by all of this.

I have to let the house burn and my children pass, and my world to be lost - then I can hear God tell me what His plan was all along. Or maybe just tell me that I will never understand, never comprehend.

That's all I have to do - and yet it is so hard to just wait...

waiting...

still waiting God...

yes, I know. I'm still just waiting...

...sigh...

How I wish life would come to fruition already. How I wish I weren't twenty anymore. How I wish...

wish and dream...

it's just what I do best.

but this waiting thing - this is diffifult.

...sigh.

but I am waiting.

waiting for love, waiting for life, waiting for fruition, waiting for hope, waiting for dreams, waiting to fall alseep, waiting to awake.

oh how I wish You had given me the answers. Oh how I wish you still would...

but You aren't going to, are You?

sigh...of course not.

Then I wouldn't fight, then I couldn't stand - then I would become nothing falling deeper into the greyness, the void - not becoming a shining star - but one that almost refuses to burn out yet.

I don't want to be a half-lit star, God.

I want to hear You, touch You, feel You.

I want You...You and that's it.

I wish sometimes I wasn't human, so I didn't want anything else. I wish sometimes that I wasn't here on earth, so I didn't see anything else. I wish sometimes that I was with You - so You were all I ever knew, ever felt, ever loved, ever wanted, ever held.

But that isn't life, and I am a human - and I loved many things...but above them all, I loved You - I still do.

God, I wish it were that simple. Just loving You, only You - and being content.

sigh...but it isn't.

I have a hole You built in me - one that I can't quite figure out how to fill. But I know You have the prescription to cure my disease down here. I just have to wait for my appointment with You - I just have to wait for the diagnosis, so I can know which cure is right.

God, don't let me be so anxious. Living life isn't easy - but if I only worry about tomorrow, I'm not really living life at all.

Don't let me pretend to live, all the while dying a little more each day.

God, hold me - I need You. God, hold me - I want You.

You...only You.

But my humanness gets in the way - and I think I need more; think I want something else.

God, keep me content in You. You are all I ever needed, ever wanted. I just didn't know it yet.

Let me know it now - You are all that can get me through this valley, through this land.

Keep me warm, keep me safe. Keep me knowing what Love still is. Knowing that You are it.

God, protect me from myself - from this place, and from these demons.

I want to want You only. I want to need You alone. Please, teach me. Teach me how to be happy, how to breathe with You, how to know; how to know You.

....how to Really know You.

-RK

only You

Can't think, can't breathe, can't move.
Can't feel my arms trembling,
can't hear my heart beating.
Can't feel life within me,
without feeling the fear behind it.

How can You shout so loudly-
but I don't know what You're saying?
How can this be so evident-
when it isn't even obvious?
How can You tell me,
if I don't comprehend.

Ten...eleven...
then morning.
Light strikes the soul like a blade,
darkness caves into the depths.
Trembling for mercy or redemption.

Shock so deep within it shakes me...
It's happening.
All of the whispered prayers -
all of the cries I screamed.
and it's happening...

How can You talk so clearly,
but say nothing distinctly.
How can I feel the same thing...
if I haven't been talking?

Lighting flash before the thunder.
Calm before the rest of the storm?
What are You trying to tell me -
and why is it that I can't understand it.

Falling...
the darkness is falling.
It's not the midnight of my soul yet -
but it's getting too close to sit here.
It isn't the depth of my sorrow yet -
but it's getting so near I can hear it.

Breath bated on the end of my tongue,
waiting to hope You command me.
Tremble quivering under the skin,
hoping You can explain this.
But the question returns yet again...

why?

I don't see, I can't hear, I simply don't feel...
falling alseep isn't possible,
none of these signs make much sense.
Maybe I'm looking to the wrong place,
or I'm standing at the wrong cross...

Maybe it isn't about me.

It isn't the morning,
but the curtains haven't ripped.
It's saturday, but is it over?
It's sunday - so where are you?

Spinning, dizzying, crashing -
and beginning to lose my grip.
Living life isn't fair - my life,
it just isn't here.
I don't know what You mean to say...
but I'm hearing You anyway.

What do I do now?
Where do I go now?
The lighting stuck, the thunder crashed...
this tenth hour seems to be moving.

The grayness of life all around me;
it's turning into the night.
This voidlessness all within me -
it's starting to come back to life.
If I pray to You...

will You answer so I can see You?

Of course, I know.
but my emotions just can't take it.
I was dreaming for so long -
now I'm startled to be awake.
I was falling for so far...
now to feel the ground feels like death.

What do You mean to say?
Where do You mean to go?
What does this mean to me?
And how do I answer You now?

Maybe I just sit here -
and I don't say a thing.
Maybe I'm just scared here...
and I can't feel a thing.
But what does it all mean?
Is this just another way,
or is this yet another sign...

Or am I trying to figure out what You said -
before You took the breath to say it?

God, I'm not You.
I'm only a human whose afraid of suitcases.
I'm only a caterpiller afriad of butterflies.
I'm only a dog afraid to bite.

But You'll have to take my hand now -
I need Your leading more than ever.
You will have to hold my heart now -
I need this commitment more than before.
You'll have to take my soul now...

I need this promise
like I need to sing,
Like my soul needs to dance.
I need this commitment,
Like my stomach needs nourishment,
like my body needs to move.

God, I need this from You.
Lord, I belong to You...
Only You.

-RK

wonder

I'm so tired, and so confused. I wish that everything could just make some sense for ONCE - and that I could just be happy for NOW - and that everything will be okay in the end.

I wish I knew what to write, what to say, what to do to make all of this better - to make it really go away. But I can't wash your wounds with my mud anymore. I can't wipe your tears with my wrists anymore. I can't cure this cancer but kill the spirit - any more. I can't bleed you and watch you die. I can't bleed me and then wonder why I'm still alive. I just can't...

I wish it were simple, and yet I know this is going to make me stronger. I already see it in the eyes of the world - strength that doesn't make any sense to them.

...sigh...

but do I really want to be strong? If so, what am I comlaining about? If not, why am I still here?

...how I wish I could be strong without excercise, wise without study, and a hero without going into battle.

Or maybe I could just know the end and justify the means? Or maybe You could show me...

show me something before I lose my mind.

...sigh...again...

I wonder when this pain will end; when this will get better...

When will this come back, if ever. When will I talk to you and know that you're still alive somewhere. When will I run into you at VONS and see you with a wife and two girls and just wonder what it would have been like if it was me. When will you see me with a husband and three boys, and just wonder what it could be like had it been you. When will I bump into you in Orange County or Okniawa, Japan or Hawaii and think - maybe we could try again.

I wonder if any of those will be true in the end. I wonder where I really will be in five years - in ten years - in a lifetime from now. I wonder who I'll have loved and who I'll have lost. I wonder what will have touched me and what will I have forgotten. I wonder who will still matter and who will be like a vapor in my mind. I wonder who will still be a dense fog, thinking and rethinking who they are in my life. I wonder...

I wonder so much. I wonder if wonderng so much isn't half my problem...

...sigh...I wish things could be a little simpler...

just a little.

Then maybe I could make some sense, understand where You are pointing, figure out some purpose, and dicover where I'm supposed to be going.

Yes, yes. I know You tell me slowly - but I want to know today!

I know, patience...You always say. I know - don't fear because it leads into evil...You always knew. I know, love never fails...You haven't failed me yet.

I only wish...

not that it really was so much simpler...

but really, just that I could learn to love

a little more like you.

-RK

eleventh hour

so close, and yet so far from where I'll have to be soon...

It's coming, and I can't stop it. I'm scared, but I can't stop it. I wish it could be over before it begins, but I can't stop it. I'd rather run from this place than face it, but I can't stop it.

from this dim life into the dark, from this dark hour into the darkest. from the tenth hour into the eleventh.

I'm so scared of it...

but I know I will never be able to live without it...

petrtified, but know it's right.
scared to death, but know it's almost here
on the doorstep of coming,
on the sunset of living,
on the verge of something better...
but not quiet there.

Some day soon, I will have passed through this hour - but not until it gets darker, not until the wound gets deeper, not until the infection is gone...

so I'm waiting.

Waiting for the day to break, and waiting for my life to be alive within me again. But first I know I have to conqure the dread, I have to heal from the wound, I have to bleed the disease out of my veins.

I have to pass through this eleventh hour.

soon...

-RK

just a bad day

friendless, comfortless, emotionless...

Aside from the sadness, aside from the gray skyline, aside from this dim horizon - there is nothing left. No more sweet scents in the air, no more Burlwood Elementaries, no more sunrises watching a strange landscape come into view, no more gas stations at 7:00 in the morning not really knowing where you are, no more kisses under moonlit nights...

no more dreams. It's time to wake to reality - and it's cold where you are. But it's time to wake up, nonetheless.

Wrestling with yourself, with your heart - with your head. You can't get the world to stop...

{time lapse to aprox. 8:00 pm}

I'm back from the bank and the pet store...and I'm starting to realize what is gone now. I don't know what I can do about it - nothing really that I can do about it. Just sit here and pretend that there isn't a rose in my field and try to tell myself not to look and see if its dying or dead.

...sigh...

I'm so tired of the silence, the stillness, the nothing-happening-ness of everything in my life right now. So tired of trying to pick myself up only to realize that there isn't anything left of me. So tired of trying and realizing that even if I did - it would make no differnce to this world.

sigh...I am just having a bad day, a down day, a day that's...

No...it is just a bad day. It is just a poor day, a startlingly horrible day...but it's just another bad day.

It has to be.

Doesn't it?

I really pray it does...

-RK

roses in vapor

I'm tired, and I'm having trouble.

It just gets so hard to tell myself that I have no choice but to let go. I can't worry where he is or what he is doing or who he is with. I can't fret over the future or who I'll be with.

I need to just let it go and stop thinking, stop worrying.

I have to let go...but I'm having trouble.

It gets harder from here on out - not easier. It gets colder on the inside, not warmer. I wish so badly that I could hold him, but I know that is wrong.

I just want to know he is okay - but I can't. I want to see his face and his shining eyes - but I CAN'T! and I know if I don't stop thinking this way I will destory everything that I have and everything I want.

I will reach my hand out to the rose in the vapor only to realize it isn't really there.

I'm so afraid to...I don't want to know if it is real or not - I don't dare touch it, dare breathe on it lest this morning mist will disappear and show me that it was only an illusion.

I don't want to touch it, to kill it, to know it isn't really there...

but what if it is?

I have to leave it for now, stop looking at it and wondering if it will ever bloom again. I have to walk away from this field, this tree, this place - and just realize that I can't know if that rose is real yet.

It may be but it may be an illusion. I won't know until I reach out for it...

I can't reach out for it yet because God doesn't want me to.

I must be still, I must be quiet - I must wait....

just a little longer, and one day I'll find myself holding a rose that I never knew was real. So sweet, so soft, and somehow yet, so real.

But only one day...

not this day.

-RK

who am i

Now really, who am I? Who did I become and how did I get there?

Why did I become someone that I didn't recognize in the mirror, and when did it become that I couldn't accept her anymore? I miss the girl that I knew - but I don't know where she went.

I want her to come back, but I have to find out where she went first...

Yet, I really do know where she is. She went away because I told her that she wasn't good enough. I told her I didn't agree with her, I didn't like the way she dressed or her hair or the look in her eyes. I didn't love her anymore - I couldn't accept her. I pushed her away because I thought I'd found someone better than her on my crusades fighting the world, fighting society, and fighting all of the evils of the universe.

Now I realize that I needed her all along. I needed her to be who I was. I needed her to be the one who held me together. I needed her to be me, because without her I didn't know who to be.

And now that she's gone, I don't know what to do. I don't know who I am. I don't want to be myself without her, but I'm not entirely sure that I agree with who she is either. So what do I do with that?

Do I have to try myself, try her...and discover which one I like, which one is me, which one I can care about enough to make stare back at me in the mirror?

I wish I didn't have to do this; didn't need this. But I see now that I do. I pushed away the girl that I was looking for because I was afraid she'd lie to me if I asked her to take over for a while. I shot her in the head because I was scared that if I didn't she would get out of control. But then I started realizing that I couldn't love the world without her in it.

So what do I do now? How do I be who I am, who I was, and who I ought to be? What is right...and what is me? If I lost her, where do I find her? If I still have her, why isn't she awake within me?

And what can I do about any of it?

-RK

yesterday...

How long ago yesterday seems, how many years ago was it that I stood there? How many lifetimes ago was yesterday, and how many dreams have fallen in between.

Why does yesterday seem so far away? Is it because this was Your will? Is this Your way for me to be okay? But how, how can yesterday be so long ago?

Twenty-four hours, almost exactly. That's it. Just twenty-four hours. But a lifetime has passed in between, a whole generation has grown and fallen in the space, the world has been created and destroyed - just in those twenty-four hours.

I don't understand it. I don't see how this day is so far from me...and yet so close. I wish I had more answers, I wish I knew. But all I know is that I'm following You

...even when my yesterdays are years away and my tomorrows may never come. I follow You because You are all I've got. I follow You because You know the way...

I follow You because You know how to make my yesterdays years away.

You make all of this well, even though I don't feel well. You take my yesterdays and You send them away, stop them from haunting me.

Where will the future go from here, how will I pick up and carry on?

I don't know...

but I know my yesterday is a year away. I'm not sure why, or even how. But yesterday is a lifetime away, and I'm still okay.

Help this confusion clear...or help me to follow anyway.

-RK

failed attempts?

Well, here I am...and it has all been said and done. It is finished - and it is not what I thought it would be. I thought I would be dying, I thought I wouldn't be able to breathe...but I'm okay.

So go was enough. So goodbye was all it took. I didn't need to have my bags packed, I didn't need to have it all together...

God is so amazing at times...all of the time. I had no idea, never saw this coming, never thought I could do this. Yet there I stood in the stairwell of SH and said the words I thought I didn't have the strength to say - and did the one thing I never thought I could do. There, where so many good times had passed through. There, where my life passes by everyday. There, there was where God put me - there was where God showed me. There was where God saved me...

From what? I don't know but from a hollow future. A deserted dream, a dried out hope, and a listless sea made of stale glass. There was where the threshhold finally fell, there was where the river bed grew damp again. Of course my heart isn't healed yet - of course I am sad; of course I am unsure of the next step beyond this one. But I will go - and I will walk with Him.

I won't close this box, because I can't. I won't glue it shut and put a bow on it and shove it up in the back of my shelf - because God doesn't want me to...yet anyway. And of course, this could be for forever...this could be for twenty years. This could be just for now....but I'm not counting on it. I'm not waiting for God to show me the future, I'm trusting that He knows where it leads and I am walking on this path anyway. He has reminded me how to walk - how could I stand here now?

I can't stand at the path without moving. It gets darker here the longer I don't move. I can't stay here - there would be nowhere left.

"God puts back together the broken pieces that we throw away..."

I ran into Austin at Wal-Mart today. I haven't seen him since I graduated from Grace Brethren. I can't believe how much he hasn't changed...he's put on weight, but that seems to be about it. Often, I wish that would have never come to fruition. I am so glad that God didn't make that work for very long.

"I never could find the words to write you..."

"The girl I once regected has now become the girl of my dreams..."

God, are you really trying to tell me something?

"We cannot separate because You're part of me. Though Your invisible, I will trust in the unseen..."

Or will You just get me through this valley to another mountain top - to a *different* hillside, a different field with brighter colors and softer grass and a warmer stream to comfort my soul.

"Stay right here in the light, so that you won't walk away..."

"Throw your burdens all away..."

I know that all I have to do is trust You, follow You, and Your Will will come to be. Whatever You want, whatever You have in mind - it is going to be, no matter where I go and no matter what I do. As long as I am willing to follow You - Your will is going to be. I just have to trust You now, because this is what You wanted...this is right.

I just have to Trust YOU now.

"Here before you I find my peace. I am overwhelmed because You chose me to know you..."

"Show me how to have working man hands..."

-RK

so scared...

Where this path is leading, I have no idea.
Where I am going, God hasn't told me yet.

Go...
But God, where am I going?
Go...
But God, how do I get there?
Go...
But God, what am I doing?
Go...
But God, how do I explain this?
Go...
Okay God, but what do I take?
Go...

Heading out on a path that is revealed one step at a time. Don't know where this is going - I just know that I'm walking on it. Don't know where it's leading, but I know it is the only way I can go. No more forks in the road, no more choices of which way, no more standing in the threshhold. The threshhold has cracked, God remind me how to walk. The fork is past, God reveal this path to me as you take me down it. The road is narrow, God help me not fall off into the thorns or down the steep cliff. I'm in the middle of a horrible storm, God keep your hand on my back and keep telling me that I'm okay, that I'm safe, that you have me.

Walking, but not knowing what to take with me. What do I pack, what do I leave here. What do I store and what do I burn - if anything. You have sent me out into this world, and have told me to go. I don't know where I am headed - but I know you have a promise to care for me and to see me through to completion. I wish I knew where this road went, but I know you won't show me. I wish I knew what this road was, but I know you won't tell me. I have to trust you - like I have never trusted before. No more security, no more threshhold to stand in and feel like the rain can't fall on me, won't fall on me. you have called me out into the rain, protect me when the lightning strikes. You have beckoned me out into the storm, hold me up when the waterline rises above my boat. You have taken me from many roads and placed me on a new one, walk with me and carry me when I fall from weariness.

Don't let me be angry, don't let me lose sight. This is your way - and what you will, will come to pass. You are in control. I know you will not leave me, you will protect and keep me. Please don't let me fear now, now when I need peace the most.

Give me the words to speak - give me your heart to give to the world. Be with me, be in me...so I may walk this path as you would have me walk it. And give me peace of a future I cannot yet see.

I love you Lord.

-RK

God does still speak...

*Memory Verse for the time:

This is what the Lord says- he who made a way throught the sea, a path through the mighty waters, who drew out the chariots and horses, the amry and reinforcement together and they lay there, never to rise again, extinguished, snuff out like a wick: "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."
-Isaiah 43:16-19

*Inspirational Verse for the time:

In you, O Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness. Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me. Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead me and guide me. Free me from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge. Into your hands I commit my spirit; redeem me, O Lord, the God of truth.

I hate those who cling to worthles idols; I trust in the Lord.I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place.

Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak. Because of all my enemies, I am the utter contempt of my neighbors; I am a dread to my friends - those who see me on the street flee from me. I am forgotten by them as though I were dead; I have become like broken pottery. For I hear the slander of many; there is terror on every side; they conspire against me and plot to take my life.

But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, "You are my God." My times are in your hands; deliver me from my enemies and from those who pursue me. Let your face shine on your servant; save me in your unfailing love. Let me not be put to shame, O Lord, for I have cried out to you; but let the wicked be put to shame and lie silent in the grave. Let their lying lips be silenced, for with pride and contempt they speak arrogantly against the righteous.

How great is your goodness which you have stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sigh of men on those who take refuge in you. In the shelter of your presence you hide them from the intrigues of men; in your dwelling you keep them safe from accusing tongues.

Praise be to the Lord, for he showed his wonderful love to me when I was in a besieged city. In my alarm I said, "I am cut off from your sight!" Yet you heard my cry for mercy when I called to you for help.

Love the Lord, all his saints! The Lord preserves the faithful, but the proud he pays back in full. Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.
-Psalm 31

*I hope that these can bring you as much hope, security, and strength that they have given me. Never give up on God - He will always see you through to completion!

-RK

waking up

waking up to confusion. Wondering where you went, where I went, where the world went and where my life went in it all. How can I go on, when I don't know where to go on to? How can I be me when I don't know what I want, what I need, what I'm dreaming for anymore?

How can I live life if I don't know what life is these days?

Sigh...

Maybe its just confusion, or impatience, or being control-crazy...I don't know because it isn't looking like that anymore.

I don't want to talk, don't want to cry, don't want to try, don't want to care ... but how then do you stop? If I were a butterfly...if I were myself....if I were still alive...

What to do, what to say when you don't want to be a part of your own life anymore? Who do you become when you can't see being you any longer? What do you do when life just throws all of your efforts back in your face without red correction marks or answers next to what you did wrong?

How do you figure out what the mistakes were when nobody points them out? When everyone just so filled with maybe and we'll see that you can't get a straight answer even from yourself....even from God?

What do you do then? Do you just do everything that feels, looks, and seems wrong? Or do you just say I can't do this anymore - and stop doing anything, sit in your room and let the world fall apart because you won't do it anymore? Or do you just do nothing, throw in the towel, and say I don't have the answers now?

I don't know...that is just the problem. That is always the problem. I don't have answer and I am beginning to wonder if I ever will.

Will I ever really know what to do? Will I ever be okay? Will I ever be happy, enjoy life, and love without restraint? Will I ever be who I wanted to be, who I thought I could be, who I knew that I should have been all along? Or will I just stay the same, remain stagnant, and never become anything? Will I be like everyone else and became something just because people want me to or because it is a default? Or will I really fight against society like I have tried to do? Will I fight stereotypes and typologies forever or will I just succumb one day and *be* the typical white girl from southern california. Will I really ever be different, or will I just end up being like the rest of the world who thinks they will end up different too? Am I really that different anyway?

Will I ever know or will I spend my life filling up pages and pages wondering when I will figure it out, when I will really get it, when it will all make sense, when I will actually do something with myself.

When will I wake up and see....when will I realize that I can't be nothing but can't do nothing to become someone. When will I open my eyes to the morning sun?

When will I really get up and realize what I have to do if I want to be what I always knew I could be?

When...when will I wake up from this slumber...

...this nightmare

When?

Maybe tomorrow, maybe yesterday....

maybe when I die...

yes, maybe then...

Maybe then, I will finally wake up.

-RK

remembering...

*Oh yes, that was why I did it* I find me thinking to myself after spinning ecstatically around in wild circles. *Yes, yes. Now take a good long look because this is the Real you and it will probably be gone soon. So hold on tight to it for a moment or two. So next time you question who you've become you can look back at this and remember...*

Remember. That's what we have to do, what life is really about, isn't it? Remembering. Remembering who you are, who you were, what you do and what you've done. Where you are and where you came from. How you think and how you thought. Why are became you and why you will change; even who you will change into. All you have to do is : remember.

Memory. Powerful and corrupt. Honest and deceitful. Holds the truth and tells all the lies. So where do you place memory in rememberance? How can you remember if it is all lies? How can you tell? Or does it matter *how* you remember, or just that you do? And what if you don't want to remember - can't stand to remember? What then?

Sigh.

Remember.

That is it. All that is in my mind. Not how to or why to. Not what or when. Not if it is true or false. Not fill in the memory blanks and figure out what to remember. Nothing but just - remember.

I'm not sure what that means. I'm not sure what I should do about it, if anything. I'm not sure how to explain it or simplify it. For once, I don't even know really how to complicate it. It all seems to irrelevant aside from just

Remember.

Remember life? Maybe. Remember death? Maybe. Remember living, dying, dreaming, or failing? Don't have any answers. In fact, I don't even have any responses. All I have is that one word, sticking in my mind like peanut butter on the roof of your mouth after eating peanut buttered toast or a peanut butter sandwich. Just an image of a million things to be remembered - but not why any of them matter. It's just a vague and yet concrete idea, a simple word with a million meanings and a million more implications. All of them blank.

remember

That's it. It is that simple. Just Remember.

Go to sleep forever, but

Remember.

-RK

butterfly

What do you do? What does it mean? Where does it all come from - and what do you do with it once you've seen it?

Why does it hurt so bad when it's going away? And why can't it just fade quickly, like the mist over the morning sun. Why can't my life be like a flower - one day beautiful, and then wilted and gone the next? Why can't I be like a butterfly - wanted by everyone, beautiful and wonderous, enigmatic and oblique; And then gone the next moment. Dead the next day...before anyone realizes that I'm just an insect with dusty wings, just a moth with pretty colors, just a house fly with jewelry on.

Because you see, if I was a butterfly, I wouldn't have to fall apart. I wouldn't have to wonder, or worry, or care if I was loved. I would be careless, innocent, and free. I would soar to the highest tips of rosepetals and flutter throught cotton-candy skies. I would watch the sunrise from a treetop and see the sunset from the other side of the world. I would be a bird, but softer. I would be an eagle, but gentler. I would be magnificence, wrapped with a bow. I could dream dreams that I wouldn't have to see fall apart. I could be enamoured with the sun and make love to the moon, and never have to wonder if they loved me back. I could fall like sweet rain and always have glory-filled wings to pick me up before I hit the ground. I could fail completely, and have the wind to hold me before I sank too far. I could dance like a drunken sailor, sing like a hummerbird's heart - and nobody would know the difference. I could sail between your heart and mine....dreaming dreams of ecstacy trapped in forever - and I would never have to be wrong...

...if only I were a butterfly.

And if I were a butterfly, I could suck sweet necters all day long and never be sick. never worry about being "fat" and never wondering if I was excercising enough. I would be lovely because of what I was - not because of what I did. I would flutter through the air and play with little children as they all laughed and sang - and never once would I fear. The world would reach out to touch me, but I would float off like a warm enigma filling the air with breathless waiting. I would be like a soft breeze, not a rampant storm. I would float through the rosepetaled sky, throught the milky sugarbeaded stars, through the soft black velvet midnight, through the fuzzy cottoncandy clouds, through the onyx nightmare out into the diamond daydream.

I would be free from myself, free from the earth, free from everything and everyone. Free from love to love. Free from prisons that we live in. Free from the cells we decorate with gray posters, and free from the cinder-block dreams we try to ignore while we strive for some better life. I would be free from that all...free to be myself...

...free to be a butterfly. So free, so sweet, so innocent, so unknowing. Free from the careless death and the cares that weight us down. Free to dream and dance through a sky littered with life. Beautiful. Calm. Free.

If only I could be you - butterfly...

-RK

biblical or biological???

Don't want to defy God's word; don't want to overlook His command.

Love or leave? Is that all there is to it. Or is the question more complex, more complicated - less simple and exact. Are the words in the Bible really relative to situations and people? Or can we take it all 100% of the time. But what about people who are saved the other way? What do you do with that?

Where do you go when the world isn't black or white? What do you say when you don't have an answer - when you can't really know someone anymore?

What do you do when you are falling apart - and no one will help pick you back up.

Maybe I should just leave them there, or burn the pieces of me - just let myself forget who I am, who I was, and who I wanted to be...

maybe I'll just do what the rest of the world does and just forget myself, forget to live, and forget what I believe in...

maybe that will help me understand, make me see - and make me understand what has happened...

...how I wish I knew what was happening

how I wish I knew...

I mean really knew....

...

...just like I used to...

but better....much better. If only people wouldn't shut you out - didn't shut the light out. If only we wouldn't give up, give in, and throw everything away. What can I do, but sit on the sidelines, watching it all walk away. What more can I do?

What do I do, where do I turn...

Is this the biblical or biological?

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME! and what can i do about it now? now that it's all gone...

...

...now that it's too late?

-RK

epiphanies, vinegar, and chocolate

It has come to me - at long last, and far overdue. But it has come nonetheless.

Like a breeze on a warm day, like fresh roses in a vase - even if you can't smell them, can't touch them, can't own or have them. Yeah, it is sort of something like that.

Something bitter-sweet. Something I don't really know what to do with. Or maybe I really do...

Stick it on a shelf, save it for later, not you - not yet. Maybe tomorrow, maybe in a year, maybe when you are 30. Maybe never. But it doesn't matter when...just not now, not yet.

And I ask why. I ask how come and I ask with who, for who, and why not me. But the answer is always the same: wait. Wait this storm out, sit in the boat and pray - look and see what I have for you....

and all you have to do is *wait*.

So tired of waiting, so sick of sitting here - waiting for the boat to hit shore. I want to be *home*, I want to come it, I want to be there...

and I want to be there now!

But that is just the problem. I have no patience, no pertinence, and no resiliance. I just "jelly-fish it" from one moment to the next, seeking just what I want. Not what will help someone, or save someone, or get someone else through....

just me.

Well, I'm hearing another voice now. And I think that confuses me.

I hear so many voices now...and that really confuses me.

Who do you listen to, who is right? But I can't ignore those that are the loudest....

You...

You are the loudest, aren't you?

Or maybe just the stillest, the calmest, the quietest, the most intense?

Yes, yes...that must be You....

...

...mustn't it?

-RK

longing to be...

to be happy, to be calm, to be safe, to be home.

To hear "yes" instead of "no". To know instead of "maybe". To get a real answer - even if it is "No" again.

To be sure. Confident. To know...to feel known. Not to hide from the world, but to be transparent - for one day. To bear this broken down heart. To show the whole world. To prove them all wrong.

To really know for sure.

No more "I don't know"...but that will never happen.

No more "Not now"...but that wouldn't be life anymore.

To feel the warmth of strong arms, to smell the scent of sweet love. To know what it is to really feel protected.......again.

To feel small, but not insignificant. To see the world from another perspecitve, a brighter perspective. To not be afraid. To not have to seek anymore. To be...

to be home, really home.

No uncertainy, no searching, no pushing or shoving. No hurt, no pain, no cyring or not being able to. Just to finally and truely for ONCE...

...

to be home.

...sigh...

maybe tomorrow.

-RK

home again, but I'm not sure why

Ok, so you will have to work with me on the titles...I'm not really thinking that much about them and really, they are only there because it is easier to look at on the main page - I may get rid of them soon. But really, its mostly just irrelevant.

I guess I'm really here just to put some things down...thoughts down.

I just want so many things, many things I can't have. Am I messing up because I want to be happy? Or am I really doing the right thing? Maybe having to ask this question shows that its a bad thing...maybe I really am heading down the wrong path...

path to destruction, path to redemption, path to...what?

Oh, I don't know. That is the biggest problem - I just don't know. Not this, not that. Not here, not there either. Not yes and not no...just not yet?

I wish I had the answers, some answers - some way of knowing that something, that I was okay. But I don't know...

I feel numb, like maybe I just stopped feeling. Like maybe I've turned that part off, tuned that part out, stopped that side of me from thinking, existing, being. Maybe....but really, I just don't know.

So unsure. So uncertain. How can this be my life? That girl that grew up with a decently happy child hood - how can this, this nebulous enigma of a girl...how can this be me?

I mean, I've always known I had a few sadder bones in my body than the rest of the world - its just my make up, its just that "wintry" side of me...but what about this uncertainty that is plaguing my every gesture, every move? When did that happen? I used to be...at least sure of what I was doing...where I was going. What happened to that?

What happened to the dreams that I was looking for? The stars that I was aiming for? The things that I was living for? And now, what do I do that it is all gone? Where do I turn, where do I run. What do I do - now that I'm not so sure that I'm me?

Oh how I want to come home, if only I knew where home really was. Oh how I want to be joyful, happy if only I knew how to feel. Oh how I want to be whole...

...if only I knew what was missing.

-RK

Updating...

Well, really the only reason I am on again today is two things:
a) I really just wish life would go away so I could actually BREATHE for once and not feel like I'm falling out of myself
b) There are a whole bunch of new featuress that I really wanted to try

So here it goes, there I go, and now we begin...

Well, or maybe we will just end. Don't know.

It's getting dark in here and really I have no desire to turn on the light. Sigh...

why can't I just be happy? or even just okay? or even just for a day, a moment, a million microscopic seconds that would make my life seem a little less like it is?

Oh well, I guess. Thus is "life"...

-RK

PS. A small notification!!!!! You can now comment via Blogger...and sadly by updating my "template style" I deleted BackBlog =0( So you will now HAVE to use Blogger's comments...unless, I have the time and remember how to put BackBlog back on so you can have a choice...bad, bad me =0( I'm so sad now...again.....*tears*

another day, another nightmare

another day, another nightmare, another sigh...

I wonder to myself, when will this go away, if ever? And if it doesn't, what then will I do about it? If things never look up, quality never increases, dreams never come true, I never feel better - then what really will I do?

Will I stay here, run away, or just stop existing? Will I become obsolete or just used up? Will I stop crying or stop breathing?

If only I knew, if only I had the answers...if only this were not so True!

...if only, I could have my dreams back...

if only I could be back...

if only life were not so difficult and terrorific...

if only...

"My dreams won't make anything a reality, and they certainly can't bring you back to me"

-RK

sigh...again

Almost another sunday, another mother's day.

I'd be happy excpet I have a headache, except I'm miserable, except I'm sick of doing things I don't want to do, except that I'm impatient, except that its too warm, except that I wish life were different - maybe five years from now and I could be happy...

sigh....again.

life...

...

miserable existence, bated breath that doesn't come to fruition, dreams that fade before the dawn, nightmares living, pain filling the air with grey stillness...

Why can't I live, dream, breathe, be...

sigh

maybe life is better as an enigma ... ...

-RK

Life's getting worse, eh?

Life gets worse each day, doesn't it?

...sigh, oh well. At least there is Coffee Depot, music, and poetry to keep me going...keep me getting through the weeks in spite of the hell - keep me thinking of tomorrow, and not of just guillotines and the like.

I wish I was someone like that...someone like him, like her...like THAT...why can't I do that, be that, go there, do that...

what is wrong with ME?!

Is it really as useless as it seems to me? Is the past REALLY better than this?

Sigh... ... ... and continue with life...

-RK

Toothache Hell!

Losing things is crap, but tootaches are hell!

Oh, I am so angry this evening. Granted things are going better than before, better than they could, better than...something. But still, I am angry and my mouth hurts and my life is one big hell-hole that I would really like to ignore or just avoid.

...sigh...

Why can't my life be peaceable, enjoyable, somewhat less HELL-like?

At least the Cheese-It's are pretty good

But my tooth HURTS!

Oh sigh...I am so weary, so sad.

Until tomorrow - maybe it will be better.

-RK

Insufferable...

So hot, so exhausted, so nausciated, so ill, so tired, so in pain!

The heat is insufferable. I feel as though my flesh might begin to ooze off at any random point in time, as if my eyeballs might just dry up and flake out of my sockets without warning, as if my throat could at this very second become a gaping desert full of the dust that is hanging, blazing in the air.

I feel like I am choking just to breathe - suffocating under the heat, under the sun, under the exhaustion, under the starvation, under the endless homework yet to attempt.

Drowning, starving, melting...

Oh when will it all end, when will the break come? When will I at last be safe and secure on the wintry island for months on end? When will I finally be free from this blazing, infernal hell of a state!

Desert to my left, dried lake beds to my right. Dust is everywhere. Breathing is no use - the air is avid with heat and suffocation.

I feel as though I am dying...as though I am already dead.

I want Los Amigos II - I want to be free from this sordid furnace. I want sleep, I want roses, I want romance and love and chocolate that doesn't melt in my hands even in a sand storm. I want dreams coming true - I want life, love, and happiness. I want to be me without restriction, without oppression, without responisibility.

I want free!

I want to be cold! I want to breathe in fresh air and say, "Ah, yes that is what life feels like. I remember now."

I don't want to deal with homework, and mental breakdowns, and anger, and rage, and relaltionships.

I just want to be free...

Free from this blazing hell all around me...

Free from the torment, the torture - the endless work that can never be done - never is done.

I want to sleep in a crystal sea and float on clouds and breathe in cotton candy dreams and dance like I don't care who can see me - like I am free!

...sigh...

it's just so hot...

-RK