waking up
waking up to confusion. Wondering where you went, where I went, where the world went and where my life went in it all. How can I go on, when I don't know where to go on to? How can I be me when I don't know what I want, what I need, what I'm dreaming for anymore?
How can I live life if I don't know what life is these days?
Sigh...
Maybe its just confusion, or impatience, or being control-crazy...I don't know because it isn't looking like that anymore.
I don't want to talk, don't want to cry, don't want to try, don't want to care ... but how then do you stop? If I were a butterfly...if I were myself....if I were still alive...
What to do, what to say when you don't want to be a part of your own life anymore? Who do you become when you can't see being you any longer? What do you do when life just throws all of your efforts back in your face without red correction marks or answers next to what you did wrong?
How do you figure out what the mistakes were when nobody points them out? When everyone just so filled with maybe and we'll see that you can't get a straight answer even from yourself....even from God?
What do you do then? Do you just do everything that feels, looks, and seems wrong? Or do you just say I can't do this anymore - and stop doing anything, sit in your room and let the world fall apart because you won't do it anymore? Or do you just do nothing, throw in the towel, and say I don't have the answers now?
I don't know...that is just the problem. That is always the problem. I don't have answer and I am beginning to wonder if I ever will.
Will I ever really know what to do? Will I ever be okay? Will I ever be happy, enjoy life, and love without restraint? Will I ever be who I wanted to be, who I thought I could be, who I knew that I should have been all along? Or will I just stay the same, remain stagnant, and never become anything? Will I be like everyone else and became something just because people want me to or because it is a default? Or will I really fight against society like I have tried to do? Will I fight stereotypes and typologies forever or will I just succumb one day and *be* the typical white girl from southern california. Will I really ever be different, or will I just end up being like the rest of the world who thinks they will end up different too? Am I really that different anyway?
Will I ever know or will I spend my life filling up pages and pages wondering when I will figure it out, when I will really get it, when it will all make sense, when I will actually do something with myself.
When will I wake up and see....when will I realize that I can't be nothing but can't do nothing to become someone. When will I open my eyes to the morning sun?
When will I really get up and realize what I have to do if I want to be what I always knew I could be?
When...when will I wake up from this slumber...
...this nightmare
When?
Maybe tomorrow, maybe yesterday....
maybe when I die...
yes, maybe then...
Maybe then, I will finally wake up.
-RK
How can I live life if I don't know what life is these days?
Sigh...
Maybe its just confusion, or impatience, or being control-crazy...I don't know because it isn't looking like that anymore.
I don't want to talk, don't want to cry, don't want to try, don't want to care ... but how then do you stop? If I were a butterfly...if I were myself....if I were still alive...
What to do, what to say when you don't want to be a part of your own life anymore? Who do you become when you can't see being you any longer? What do you do when life just throws all of your efforts back in your face without red correction marks or answers next to what you did wrong?
How do you figure out what the mistakes were when nobody points them out? When everyone just so filled with maybe and we'll see that you can't get a straight answer even from yourself....even from God?
What do you do then? Do you just do everything that feels, looks, and seems wrong? Or do you just say I can't do this anymore - and stop doing anything, sit in your room and let the world fall apart because you won't do it anymore? Or do you just do nothing, throw in the towel, and say I don't have the answers now?
I don't know...that is just the problem. That is always the problem. I don't have answer and I am beginning to wonder if I ever will.
Will I ever really know what to do? Will I ever be okay? Will I ever be happy, enjoy life, and love without restraint? Will I ever be who I wanted to be, who I thought I could be, who I knew that I should have been all along? Or will I just stay the same, remain stagnant, and never become anything? Will I be like everyone else and became something just because people want me to or because it is a default? Or will I really fight against society like I have tried to do? Will I fight stereotypes and typologies forever or will I just succumb one day and *be* the typical white girl from southern california. Will I really ever be different, or will I just end up being like the rest of the world who thinks they will end up different too? Am I really that different anyway?
Will I ever know or will I spend my life filling up pages and pages wondering when I will figure it out, when I will really get it, when it will all make sense, when I will actually do something with myself.
When will I wake up and see....when will I realize that I can't be nothing but can't do nothing to become someone. When will I open my eyes to the morning sun?
When will I really get up and realize what I have to do if I want to be what I always knew I could be?
When...when will I wake up from this slumber...
...this nightmare
When?
Maybe tomorrow, maybe yesterday....
maybe when I die...
yes, maybe then...
Maybe then, I will finally wake up.
-RK
7 Thought(s):
As always, quite moving dear friend. I feel your pain very deeply in my own heart. :'( Hopefully the nightmare shan't be forever. ~Frankie
This gets better...things get better.
If only love were not so hard...
Most true. . . If only love were not so hard and didn't require letting go ey? :'( If only, if only. . . ~Frankie
I can't say that I'm unhappy - but I can't say that this is what I want. So then, what can I say?
As I see it, you are doing what you "have to do". Or it maybe can be better worded that you are doing as God has shown you to do. In so many ways, we just don't know what is best. . . yet, he does and well sometimes, I suppose we just have to submit. (Yes, I am actually using that word in a sentence positively. :P) And maybe that's what it is, you dearest friend, are simply learning to submit to God's will, instead of doing it your way. . . As awfully painful as that can be. . . By the way, again, I am so proud of you. *smile* You have just been great. I am just so proud that you had the courage to just do what you were lead to do. I'll be praying for you. . . ~Frankie
Thank you! I will be needing all of the prayers you can offer...and so will my friend. Pray hard for him also, dear Frankie.
Oh, I shall dear one. . . I shall. . . ~Frankie
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