Sitting under a blue moon

Tonight must be special...to someone out there. It must mean something, this rareity; this odd turn of events that I don't understand. Why I'm here and why the moon is blue. It doesn't make any sense - but one day it is going to.

Where are you, and if you were closer could I see you? Could I feel you, or hold you, or know you? Could I be a part of you - if you were not so far away, so out of my reach...

...sigh.

I don't think it is a good idea to think in these kinds of moods. The kind of mood where you are afraid that what you needed is slipping away, out of your control - out of your reach forever. The kind of mood when all you want to do is curl up and fall asleep without the agonyt, without the pain of the memory - without the dreadful realization that all appears to be so lost...so confused in this desert of misunderstanding, loss, and despair. A desert that you know far too well...

...at least that is how it can feel. Like you could just stop sleeping for lack of a reason to. Like you could go on for years without feeling is someone told you to - pretending that your heart had gone cold from the ice without and the winter within, chilling over everything you thought you used to have...

...I am afraid.

Is it okay to say that? That I'm scared, that I'm afraid, that I don't want to leave because if I leave, I lose? And I'm tired of losing - losing everything that I thought was good. Losing those who said they loved me.

I know, in the end it worked out fine. In the end, I will find that one that I cannot believe does not exist - the one who is made my Simon....the one who is; must be; makes no sense not to be.

Either way, it's a blue moon. This doesn't happen every day, every week, every time the new moon comes around. But tonight is a blue moon. Looking around, I see a room that isn't too different from the one I've known for a long time now. Looking around, I see memories that make me smile, make me cry, make me feel alive, and make me want to die. I see gain and loss, lessons and mistakes - I see everything I've ever felt, just sitting here in my room looking around. I see love and anger, bitterness, rage, and comfort. I can find compassion and distrust. I can feel hope and despair, all just sitting here. Most of it has been swept into the corners of the room, collecting dust now. Most of it is old and growing faded, but, just like the pictures in my picture frames, still exist.

It's just like the purple walls here. I can remember when once they were white. Before that, they had cheap Mickey Mouse boarder in the middle of the wall. And my desk, it used to be a small whitewashed desk from Germany. And my dresser - it used to have multicolored drawers until one day my mom and I went out on the front porch and scraped them down, sanded them, and painted them white. The rest of the dresser never got done, including the pastel yellow door - but the drawers are plain white now.

And my bed used to be in one piece, all of the white and gold flashing like a dream. It used to be covered in a pink flower duvette cover. Now there are quilts where my fleather blanket used to lay. And my CD stand is now full of waterballs instead of empty jewel cases.

So many things are different here. It amazes me sometimes to look at how different life is to how it used to be. But some things always remain the same. My bed still sits under the window sill and I can still look out through the screen and see the same stars looking down at me. At the right time of month, the moon shines in like the sun and floods my room with brilliant silver light. It bothered me sometimes, but it made me feel sort of awestruck. It still does. Tonight, it will be a blue moon shining in, flooding the mauve carpet with its silver strands of light.

The carpet is still mauve with black marks from my desk chair which is still in ill-repair. It's brown, it's old, it leaves small black stripes on the pink carpet, but it serves it's purpose. I can't sit in anything else - it just isn't the same.

The walls still have flowers in the corners - so many of them significant markers in my life that I can't forget: marriages, birthdays, graduations.

My lamp still has no lamp shade and I like it that way.

My bed is still a trundle, my room is still endlessly collecting trinkets which I will probably never get rid of and never stop collecting, and furniture hasn't moved in years....

Years...

I have been away from home, out of my room for more than a few weeks at a time for years now. I can't believe it. So many things have changed, so many others have stayed the same.

But I miss some of the people who used to be here. I miss my friends, those close to me that I haven't seen, that I've lost, that I had to say goodbye to. I miss a lot of things. Sometimes, I even miss this old room.

It will be hard to be away from it all for so long. So many things will change without my noticing, without me seeing them grow or slowly become something else. This house is going to change, my family is going to change - my life will change. I am going to change. And to be honest, I am going to miss this old place.

I'm going to miss my little hometown, no matter how big it gets. I'm going to miss this room, this house, and this neighborhood. I'll miss the drive I take from home to school, even when I am annoyed at the fact I have to make it. I will miss my friends.

I will miss my church.

I'll miss singing in worship and going to coffee to listen to artists wanting to make it big, or just make it at all. I'll miss time with my sisters, their children, and my parents. I will miss many things.

I will miss those I have to say goodbye to...

It isn't easy getting ready - but I'm excited. And yet in my excitement, I am not foolish enough to not see the fear. I am leaving my life behind and going out to somewhere unknown - leaving all that is safe and going to somewhere where I can no longer be sheltered by my friends, family, and home. I am leaving soon - and I'm not going to see this room for a long time.

So I drink in all that is familiar to me, under this blue moon, realizing that soon - it will all drastically change for me. And just as the blue moon, it will all be a strange rareity - a chance to redo me and find out if I like what I see.

-RK

Random Spurts of Living

Sometimes, I feel like I have so many things to say. Other times, I feel like I've said them all. *sigh* Well, today is just some random facts about my day because I don't have the mental capacity to go on about anything that is of real importance. So here is my babbles about nothing...

Went to Saks today. Got a bathing suite. Almost got a $60 black skirt from the childrens department. Nearly cried over a $400 dress with black ribbons. Tried on too many dresses that were all too big. Bought an "XS", which is strange.

Had a Quizno's Sub. Decided that my positive experiences have outweighed the negative experience at QS, and so I have decided that I like them now. The roasted red pepper sauce is amazing. Read a funny poster, thought of altering it with a big black marker, quickly changed my mind when I saw the confused looks on my parents faces. Discovered that a sub sandwich and D.P. go well together in one's mouth.

Reading Eragon. Looking in a mirror of what I knew too well, but not knowing anyone in the story like I know myself - yet.

My computer continues its much aggrivating infestation of "Ad Serve", which I thought was taken care of last night. Apparently, I was wrong; again. Got aggrivated after KP froze - shut it off, got out Evo...life is getting better on these terms at least.

Missed a call. Wanted to throw my dead phone out the Explorer window. Decided against it by reasoning that for once it had a good reason to die, and borrowed my father's cell battery.

Took my rose out of water today. Found out that it was in a vase with the little water container still attatched to the stem of the rose and it was in fact getting no water at all. Resolved to say that is why it died so quickly - but decided not to blame anyone but the flower for dying too soon. Set it in my room atop some pictures in a bag after deciding that I didn't want to deal with hanging it up. It makes me glad nonetheless. It's color keeps - my smile keeps...for now.

Heard the same minidisk so many times today. Read in the car without getting sick after a long draught of not being able to. That made me glad...almost as glad as landing my piruette (no, I'm sure that is not correct, but I'm a lazy bum and won't look it up - so there!).

Lost a jewel from my right index finger. Tried to remove the jewel from my left index finger but to no avail. My fingers are now lopsided and quite bothersome...that is what I get for paying $4 extra to get silly little Asian flowers painted on my nails. But they were cute, and they made me glad. I suppose that must be worth something - at least worth losing a cheap jewel down the sink while washing my hands...yes, I think it can at least be worth that.

Again, too lazy to do my hair. But I don't see how people can apply make-up while driving. I can't even do it properly in the back seat! Racoon eyes - that's what they ought to have called me...

Had an accident with pillows. That was too bad - but I think it is better now. One should be more careful, but that is an unreasonable request...one should simply be more gentle or more mindful.

Planning on going to the store again tomorrow. Getting sort of tired of endless shopping. Getting things is good - but the shopping part I am beginning to think I can do without for a while. Not that I don't like shopping - get me in a good store and I'll be there too too long. But after so much, it becomes a chore mulling throught the endless racks of things you don't want, would never buy, and don't fit. Not to mention the 70s clothes that your mom remembers and the 80s clothes you wish you didn't. It just seems so endless after a while.

I think that is it for now. Just some random updates on the life I'm making some muddled attempt to live. If I'm doing it backwards, it would be great if someone could tell me - if someone cares. If not, we call live backwards together and just look at life upside down and laugh at everyone who calls themsevles normal. So there you have it.

Life in a cracked nutshell.

-RK

Wanting

Time and time again.

Heart in the dust, head in the clouds...mulling over everything that doesn't matter in the end. Kicking the walls and trying to pretend like I'm not caught in a cage that I don't understand.

Begging to be let out - begging to be let in. But never knowing why.

One hand in the future, one hand in the past. WIshing both legs were in the present.

Half of me being able to go, half of me stuck as I am. Two-thirds of me falling apart, one-third remaining sane. Nine-tenths of me losing everything I've got left, one-tenth realizing that that's okay.

Afraid to go. Afraid to come. Afraid to...

want too much, ask too much, push too hard. Afraid to ruin the only thing I've got left, but looking in the mirror and seeing how its ruined anyway.

*sigh*

It would be better if things ever got easier. It would be safer for me...it would mean more right now.

But I guess the long run matters. Doesn't it?

Dear God - I don't want to be a fool again. I don't want to ruin the few things I've got left in this life, God. I don't want to do the wrong things, make the wrong choices, and hurt others more than myself. I'd rather follow You - You must know where You are going. I'd rather let You walk first, You must know this road better than I do; the road from suffering to redemtption.

God, I don't want to hurt anymore - but more, I don't want to hurt those I love. I would rather not love again...

Please, God. Let me do the right things - so those I love will not hurt again; so those I love will know; so those I love will be able to be free from the chains that bound them...so that I can think of them again without this darkness, without this dread, without this fear.

Please God, don't let me ruin the only shreds of life I've got...Please God, do something.

-RK

to have...

...been close enough to touch you. To have listened to your breath and yet see that you are still far from me. To have known that you were beside me all the while.

...believed in something with all of my heart.

...been afraid of the unknown, of letting go.

...faith in the things I can't understand or see how they can be. To have fought, maybe even conquered - but truly never given up.

...dreamt for a lifetime only to wake up now...and not understand it.

...feelings that I can't define. To have rain in my heart that I can't just sweep away.

...fear.

...loved more than I knew how, and lost more than I ever thought I could.

...hope.

...a world full of things inside of me that I don't know what to do with. To see all of life around me and to see your eyes inches from mine, and yet not able to reach out. Not able to be that kind of free...

I believe with my heart, I don't have to believe with my hands. Cuz faith is so much more than coincidence, it's the evidence.

Time is the hardest thing in the world to give. I'd rather give hugs or candy or presents or words of encouragement. Becuase time is the hardest gift to give to someone - because you don't know what it really means until it's done.

*sigh* Life isn't fair...

I sometimes wish it was...because I miss being happy.

But for now, life will get a little more confusing with each passing day - then one day the fog will break, and I'll see the path that I'd been walking on. And then I will know...know that I got to the top of the mountain without dying. But I won't know that I'll make it until I'm there - until I'm on the top of the mountian and the fog shatters so I can see the sun again.

Because I don't have a map, and I don't have a compass either. All I have is the stars by night and my strength by day; and the voice that tells me all too loudly the way that I ought to go...time and time again.

If only life were more simple than it so often appears to be. Maybe it can be; maybe we make it too hard....maybe we just need to pray...

Prayer changes things...and everything is different now...so it has to have done something here...

-RK

To help us see...

Love isn't the chains that hold us down, it's the wings we need to fly.

Love isn't a cage to keep you in, but rather the freedom to set you free.

No one conquers who doesn't fight.

Politeness costs nothing and gains everything.

The wait will make the heart grow stronger or fonder.

Whatever you give will find countless ways back to you.

When you lose, don't lose the lessson.

Not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful blessing.

Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

The reward for a good deed is to have done it.

The best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

Take into account that both great love and great achievement involve great risk.

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

***

And so there are some things that might help you see whatever your missing...

I know they did for me.

-RK

Colder than it ought to be...

First of all, nobody does college-punk music better than Dashboard Confessionals, I'm fully convinced now. I don't think any words could better explain the last two years of my life...two years...wow....

My life in high school was so very different. Thinks looked different, life felt different, hope seemed different, love smelt different than it does now. Maybe it's just this place - maybe it's just that I'm older. Maybe it's a million things that I won't take the time to describe or think about...

Too many things to wonder about, too many things to worry about. If I'm right - why does it hurt. If I'm wrong, what am I doing? If it's neither, where did I go wrong?

Sigh....

I just want to be home and safe and happy....

but that isn't happening....

sigh....

Everything I wanted, I don't get. Everything I thought my life would be, it isn't. Every hurt I thought I'd never have to feel ever again, I do. Every chance I thought I had, I missed. And everything I saw in my own eyes when I looked in the mirror - is gone. All of it, just like that...

Gone.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm fading away too. Like I'm talking too much and not listening. Like I'm falling too far and not landing. Like I'm going to far, but never really arriving.

Maybe I'm just scared...

...maybe I'm just wrong.

But there's nothing I can do now. It's broken, it's done, it is what it is - and that's that. I can't go back in time, I can't climb back up the hill. Once you hit the bottom, you're there and there's no going back to the top. If you don't like where you landed - too bad. You have to get up and fix it down here...

...because you can never go back.

Never.

...because breathing is a foreign task and thinking's just too much to ask. And you're measuring your minutes by a clock that's blinking eight...

...don't you see that the sharade is over...

-RK

Made my life...

Miracle
By Audio Adrenaline

I am free for the first time
Left my fears behind
In front of me is the open sky.
I'm taller than trees;
I can see further than before.
Everything's different now -
Now that you've ruined my life.

You took my dreams
And stole my schemes
And turned my life upside down
You took my heart
Stole every part
And made it a miracle

Now I can sing - sing a new song.
My burdens gone.
You gave me all the words and melodies
Now I can be at Your feet -
Your place for me.
Everything's beautiful
Now that you've ruined my life

You took my dreams
And stole my schemes
And turned my life upside down
You took my heart
Stole every part
And made it a miracle

I'm wide awake and tonight I'm saved.
In Your arms I'm singing of
How you made me a miracle.

I'm taller than trees;
I can see further than before.
Everything's different now.

You took my dreams
And stole my schemes
And turned my life upside down
You took my heart
Stole every part
And made it a miracle

Made it a miracle

Written by Mark Stuart, Will McGinniss, Bob Herdman, Tyler Burkum and Ben Cissell. © 2002 Up In The Mix Music (BMI)/Flicker USA Publishing (BMI) admin by EMI CMP

***

Being ruined, being made new - it really is a miracle. I only hope my life, my shambles will be made a miracle as well.

-RK

Wonders

It mattered...really.....it did....everything I did today, yesterday, the years before now...it mattered. And yet, it makes me wonder about so many things.

I wonder what I'll think of my life when I look back on it in ten years. I wonder what I will think I was thinking then, and I wonder what I'll think about the choices I made. I wonder if I'll look back with someone, or if I'll look back by myself. I wonder if I'll thank God that He did what He did, or if I'll ask Him why it all had to go that way anyway. I wonder if I'll be happy or angry, joyful or lonely. I wonder if I'll be an author in Britain, confusing all the literary categorizers or if I'll be a teacher in Southern California without ever having a single page published.

I wonder if I'll have a family or if I'll be solo for the rest of my life. And I wonder what my children will look like or if I'll ever even have any. I wonder who my husband will be or if I'll remain unmarried. I wonder where I'll live - if it will be in the city or in the suburbs; if I'll have a house or a studio apartment; if I'll have dogs & cats or just fish - or maybe nothing at all.

I wonder where my future is going to take me - where God is going to take me. I wonder if I'll travel Europe for years or if I'll live in Colorado and finish up school somewhere in Denver. Or what if I get my Doctorate and decide that I'd rather be a doctor, or a lawyer, or a politician, or a travel journalist. And I wonder who I'll be when I look in the mirror in ten years and think about who I am now...and I wonder if I'll think I was young and foolish or if I'll see why I thought the way I did. And I wonder if I'll think about twenty and realize I was only a child, or if I'll think back and remember how happy I was, or how miserable I was - and if I'll learn anything from me being me right now.

I wonder what God has in store for me. And I wonder if I'll look back on this as the past and just laugh, or maybe I'll cry. Or maybe I won't really feel anything at all, but have a knowing glimmer in my eye as I nod and move on.

Who knows.

Maybe I'll die tomorrow or maybe I'll live a hundred more years - it's possible. Right now, almost anything is possible...

...almost.

And I wonder what I'll tell my family this day, this time, this year was like in my life when I'm eighty, if I ever live to see it. I wonder if I'll cherish my college years or just throw them in the pot with high school, throw up my hands, and say forget it!. I don't know...

but I wonder.

And at times, I wish I knew what the future looked like. Other times, I'm just glad that I don't. If I knew, I wouldn't be who and what I am now - and if I couldn't be who or what I was now, then I would never be who or what I was meant to be then anyway.

Because our mistakes sometimes make us. Sometimes, they break us. But either way, the things we do now shaped what we will be doing in ten, twenty years from now. And I'm glad I don't know what and who I'll be then because I couldn't live now if I did.

So whatever I wonder, I'm just going to leave it at that. I don't have to try and figure out where my life is headed - I just have to live each day the best I can, and wonder what the next will bring.

Because one of the greatest things we have is the chance to look into a foggy glass called time with the dim reflection of a future - and wonder.

-RK

More of what they say I am...

I am Marcie!

Your Icon is..... by d3athofs3asons
Your Name
Your Age
Your B-day
Your Icon Is....
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

***

Now if that isn't ironic, I am prone to believe nothing is.

-RK

In the still of 8:42

I'm not depressed....really....I'm not....

It's jsut been a bad day, a bad week, a bad year...maybe it's even been a bad life. But I'm not depressed.

I might be confused, lost, living in the denial that I'm doing all right. I might be stuck in the ruts, digging deeper to where there is really no treasure, may have a tidal wave of emotions that are all negative...

...but I'm not depressed.

I'm sure if you looked close enough, you'd see that. If you stared through the foggy windshield, full of hardwater, then you'd see the world like I do....

It doesn't matter what time of day it is or where the sun is in the sky. It doesn't matter where you are or what got you there. It doesn't matter if you are happy or sad, broken or fixed, healthy or sick. It doesn't matter if you've got a family or friends who take their place. It doesn't matter if you are loyal, full of love, or if you shoot people in schools just because you had a bad day taking tests that were too hard. And it makes no differnce if you've got long hair or short, if you're ugly or fat, if you're lovely or thin; If you've got life all worked out, or your in the deep end up to your chin. If you have a million bank accounts piled high with money, or if you are living on the street in a carboard box.

It all makes no difference to where we all end up.

and for the sake of arguement, i might admit i'm a bit upset....

but it isn't life that gets me down. It isn't hopes that shatter or even the mirrors that shatter them. It isn't that I'm alive or that I feel dead on the inside. It isn't that I'm waking up or even that I was wrong.

It's the not regretting, not wanting to go back, not tearing myself apart because I'm sorry that scares me.

It's the treasure troves, not the blazing fires burning to hell everything life handed me. It's the smile in the image and the pain that makes it all disappear. It's the death and the sighing, the break and the crying....it's the way I walk around this ugly room and pretend that I'm something....

It's if I could, I wouldn't be here. It's if I could, I'd be someone else, someone better, someone more like what I wanted to be....but realize only now I never will.

Life takes the best of us.....and we never even get a chance. People don't let us change because they get so sick of hearing us. Love doesn't care what you are but if you aren't good enough, it'll leave you before you blink. Hate only feeds on what your not, but it will never shut-up if you let it in. Death isn't the answer, but it isn't the question either. Hope isn't a way out, it's a way to look back in. Fear is no reason to do anything but run. Running leaves you weak and eventually worthless....

Cold isn't bad when you can get warm, but when you can't it's better to be too hot. It's better to be burning in hell than freezing in the desert of nowhere. And it's better to be broken than gluing yourself together with superglue that comes off in the rain, because the rain will never stop.

One day, we all break. One day, we all crumble under the weight. It doesn't matter when we fall apart, it only matters if someone comes to pick you up again....

loneliness doesn't heal anything....it makes it worse. It makes life worse, it makes dreams wither, it makes souls cold, and it makes breaths stop breathing and hearts stop beating, and people die before they're too young. It makes you black and charred, like you've been burnt but don't have the scars. It leaves you empty and shallow, dark and hollow - all around worth nothing more than the sand is in the desert or water is in the ocean or frail hope is in the face of this evil.....

.....flashlights in the middle of a Missouri midnight.....that's all it amounts to.....that's all it is. And if you've ever been there when the lights go out - you know what I mean.

If you haven't, wait.

...because one day, you will.

-RK

Football, rubberbands, butterflies, and crosses

It started half-awake, groggily comptemplating if I cared enough to curl my hair. It ended with a $15 purchase of a cd to support a smallband that I just discovered I loved. The climax and conclusion were similar, but you would have never noticed...

not without football, rubberbands, crosses, and butterflies.

It seems the only way I can make sense of my life is to use metaphors. Sometimes I pretend like they are for other people to understand me; really, they are just for me. I look at life like its a fogged glass or a windshield clouded over by recycled water. I stare and I stare but I can't get my eyes to see through it clearly. Then, something occurs to me and I have the heavy-duty carwash soap out and I'm scrubbing down the windshield until my elbows ache. Soon, the car is glass is clean enough for me to see out of. So I get back in the car, behind the steering wheel, and I start driving the car. At last, I can see.

Well, as I have shown even in the above metaphor - I need symbols of real things, I need to talk in some sort of imaginary code in order for my mind to get things through. It isn't that I need to be confusing, or even that I don't want anybody outside the loop to know. It's just that I process life through a lens of artistry. I see life as a novel, and a novel I see as collaborative sets of metaphors, symbols, idealologies, and truths. Therefore, if life is a novel - I must approach life in much the same way.

When I do, I see things that I never could have seen before. I feel things that I never would have felt before. And I know things I never would have known before.

So really, this post is a thank you to all the football games, coaches, rubberband producers, butterflies and their catepillars, and all the crosses of the world for teaching me that there was more to life. And thank you to those who continuously and tirelessly show me that there is different ways to life.

And I suppose that is it for now. If you don't understand why this is short and probably doesn't make much sense, just read my xanga weblog for more details.

-RK

When sleeping wouldn't help...

What is the use in sleeping if you are just going to wake up in the morning...feeling like this? And what is the use of trying when all you can think about is how much it hurts inside? And what is the point in even lying in bed when you can't get the storm to calm down inside?

When all of the pain becomes anger because you know that your life is ruined. When all of the hurt inside becomes rage because you'd rather scream than cry again. When all of the burning becomes your blood boiling over because you'd rather be in denial than accept that fact that there's a hole where your soul used to be.

So what is the point of trying to sleep? When all you feel is restless, and cold. When all you can think about is how all of the things you ever wanted, ever planned for, ever had good in your life - all went wrong. When all you can see is the mistakes you've made and how you can never correct them, now that it is too late to go back. And when all you can do is just sit and stare past everything that's real, off into some other time and some other place, and just pray to God that you'll be happy again some day. But you never really believe it, not deep enough for it to reall matter; not deep enough down for it to count.

And so you sit up until your head gets to heavy to hold up any longer. But even then, you refuse to turn off the lights and lie awake...

...I had more to this post, but stupid Blogger messed up my post and took off the second half. Maybe it wasn't meant to be posted. Maybe it's just to show me that no matter how far down you are, life can always get worse. I guess that it always will...

I might re-finish this post later. But for now, I don't actually care enough to re-type the thoughts I took all that time articulating.

...I guess this just proves that life always just gets worse instead of better...I guess that is bad for me...

-RK

A word from your friendly socially-inept Social Director

Welcome to the Crazy Coconut. I will be your host and social director for the evening. Just to let you know, here at the CC, it's Karaoke Night every night.

We have singing, dancing, and of course your occasional CC-special stage hook!

If you have any song requests, please submit your songs via comments, making sure to adress them to the CCMusic Coordinator and we will do our best to host your songs.

If you are planning parties for youngsters, please be sure to keep in mind our motto here at the CC: If you can't carry a tune - you'll get "mooned". Just a friendly reminder!

And if you have any questions feel free to wave me down.

That will be it for now. I wil be back to check up on y'all after while. And until then, skim through our music listings and have a great time at the CC!

-RK, CC Social Director

In case you were unsure...

MS CITATION: 97.18(4)- The serving of colored oleomargarine or margarine at a public eating place as a substitute for table butter is prohibited unless it is ordered by the customer.

CA CITATION: Cal Bus & Prof Code §16603- Every person who, as a condition to a sale or consignment of any magazine, book, or other publication requires that the purchaser or consignee purchase or receive for sale any horror comic book, is guilty of a misdemeanor, punishable by imprisonment in the county jail not exceeding six months, or by fine not exceeding one thousand dollars ($ 1,000), or by both.

As used in this section "horror comic book" means any book or booklet in which an account of the commission or attempted commission of the crime of arson, assault with caustic chemicals, assault with a deadly weapon, burglary, kidnapping, mayhem, murder, rape, robbery, theft, or voluntary manslaughter is set forth by means of a series of five or more drawings or photographs in sequence, which are accompanied by either narrative writing or words represented as spoken by a pictured character, whether such narrative words appear in balloons, captions or on or immediately adjacent to the photograph or drawing.

TN CITATION: 70-4-208.- It is unlawful for any person to import, possess, or cause to be imported into this state any type of live skunk, or to sell, barter, exchange or otherwise transfer any live skunk, except that the prohibitions of this section shall not apply to bona fide zoological parks and research institutions.

***

Just in case you are ever in CA, MS, or TN and don't want to break the law. Somethings really are difficult to believe, aren't they? Other times, you just have to stare blankly and ask yourself Why? No really, Why!?

I think you need to read this!

A conversation I had with an equally wacked friend at 1 & 4 AM. See if you can understand it!
***
Mayk up wordsez. It is surprintingly easileree. And flunerun! And youe unnertand mei, riters?

Im urdulely confuseled. Cwarse eis due. LOL, et jist lukels lyek whee kant schpell, uerth jak.

It is a weerens bitel addiktificating.

Housever, it takels an etermitiny to sway eniethwing at awules.

Trullee. Maypers that is partuv the charmelle.

I truesselvy thwinks it muit jist bie seaux.

Moi nozzer is runking ageen.

Euh, tuaghts reithier nastifilitaiuous. Immaugh geuing to plautz this convisilcation on moi bloinger suight

I hopenkin that it caferlitches aughn. That wouldle be culeni.

It reelipitiously wooldli bie maxictiously daylightuis.

It is soflert of rehdwahl-liyke.

Aughtgin, Eimma gaughnna saigh I dwefentinilie aughwhee.

fiscabulous.

Eights swarts of leike veiv envightneted a magnifitageous kojod. Eughly pwoblwem caughms wen eu deuntz no if die uthwier piersaugh underschalends eu.

Naghle. Ouei unnerstadik eechunner.

Eugh grateiferic! Euim seaux extinificated thwatz eu unterkwand moi! Schwuddently eu attinerain schum schnoozkers?

I sweootenly schwuddely attinerain schum schnoozkers.

Whelzz moi zerjainly quinkz eu shmoodette, seaux eu kwaint bie aleivgh teumorritzow.

Yahrz. I halftle gettah haeircuft teumorritzow.

Trafiniferifyius! Moi hoippies aughll twerntz eughts whiel!

Wehlle, imusst goe. Gudenpudeniten.

Hooruagh! Hwavensie a gwerat neit.

Eugh twue.

Aufvierzaying. Schwanks

***

Need a translation? =0D It really isn't all that relevant, but feel free to email me if you are really curious and can't decode it.

-RK

for the wishes

I'm going to start off by apoligizing for feeling how I feel, for being what I am, and for saying what I said. Tomorrow I might wake up and realize all of this is just crap and that I was wrong. I hope at least one day I do, so I can come back here and say sorry all over again. But until that day, I'll at least admit that most of this probably is legitimately stupid, and so you don't have to pay attention to any of it - because I'm saying sorry in advance.

***

I wish sometimes that everything in life was easy. I wish that I knew my way around, that I could see beyond my nose, and that sometimes life was just easy. I wish I could just love people and be loved in return, know people and be known in return; that I could have a secure future and not have to worry about what I will be doing in the next second of my life.

I wish that I could dance and dream without waking up. I wish I could sing without anyone listening. I wish I could be stellar at something and good at most things. I wish I knew how to be, who to be, and what to be without walking through fires and burning bridges on my way.

I wish I could wear the color pink without having a reason.

I wish I could fly away like butterflies do when they're scared. I wish I could be free from oppression and depression. I wish I could get on a plane in the middle of the night and go anywhere to get away from here.

I wish I could learn from my mistakes and do what is right instead of what seems right. I wish I could stop doing things that hurt. I wish I could love people who loved me back. I wish I knew that my love meant something to someone out there, instead it echoing back into the damn valleys of my heart and coming back hollow. I wish I could do something about where I am and who I am.

I wish I could stop wishing because my life made sense.

I wish I could get away from here and away from these feelings that I feel. I wish I didn't have to feel at all anymore. I wish I wasn't so stupid and so hurt and so lost and so confused, and I wish that I could just stop feeling the way I feel - wishing for so many things that I know I can't have, that I know I'll never have, that I know won't even really matter in the end.

And yet, I still wish. I don't know why. I don't know why I'm so stupid, why I'm so lost, and why I feel like I shouldn't feel as lost as I do. I don't know why I look down at my feet and all I see is shackles chaining me to a place I never wanted to be. I don't know why I have the stupid, irrelevant wishes that I do. I just do.

And I don't know why my damn room is always cold when its cold outside, hot when its hot outside, and just generally a miserable place to be. But there is nowhere else for me to go, no other shelter - no other place to stay. I only have here, where I am miserable. Because where I am happy, I am not allowed to be. Because where I can smile, I am condemned from. Because any spark of hope in my soul that maybe one day I will be okay is not allowed. Because any voice in the darkness calling out that someone might love me isn't permitted. Because any dream that I have must turn into a nightmare. Because everything I do must be ruined or just plain worthless. Because everything I ever wanted is dead and there is nothing I can do about it now.

Because I am miserable with no hopes of snapping out of it. Because if I did, I wouldn't know what to be anymore - and no one would recognize me, if they ever did in the first place.

So there you have it, sorry and all, for whatever it is or isn't worth.

-RK

Literary insights.

I'm almost done, and it just gets better. Although I must say, I'm frightened that people believe this stuff *sigh* Oh well, still a great literary work! I have been highlighting like a maniac. So here is more of my random kudos to Dan and his wonderful book Da Vinci Code:

{how one could describe life at times...}a silent symphony echoing the deepest secrets

Holy men who has once required sexual union with their female counterparts to commune with God now feared their natural sexual urges as the workd of the devil, collaborating with his favorite accomplice...women

koyanisquatsi - life out of balance

Job 38:11 - Hitherto shalt thou come, but no further

{The best Goodbye letter I've ever read}I was there. Don't try to find me.

Cross and Crucifix came from the Latin verb cruciare - to torture

Mickey's arms were skewed at an awkward angle, indicating an equally awkward hous. 2:51 A.M.

The glass-roofed terminal resembled the awkward offspring of an airplane hangar and a greenhouse.

The world had gone mad, and in many parts of Europe, advertising your love of Jesus Christ was like painting a bull's-eye on the roof of your car.

Softening the Church's laws was not only faithless and cowardly, but political suicide. People need structure and direction from the church...not coddling and indulgence

When searching: Close the net, and close it tight.

Travel. Lodging. Cash. The Holy Trinity. Interpol had the power to make all three disappear in the blink of an eye.

Jonas Faukman tugged nervously at his goatee {I think all males do this =0D}

"Don't tell me Harry Potter is actually about the Holy Grail."
"I was referring to the Bible"
"I knew that."

Freedom is expensive.

The four men looked at one another for a moment as if there were something more to say, but apparently there was not.

Talk about mixed messages...Welcome and keep out.

Who's their decorator? Langdon wondered. Allied Steel?

Discretion was apparently not part of the vocabulary of a 15-eruo-per-hour watchman.

Hanging a rose is an ancient Roman custom...whatever was said under the rose - sub rosa - had to remain a secret.

If you're smart enough to read it, you're permitted to know what is being said.

"Do you know hoe to get to Versailles?"
"Sightseeing?"
"No, I have a plan."

Leigh Teabing was wealthy in the way small countries were wealthy.

Chateau Villette was more of a modest castle than a mansion. {does that even work?}

I would not wish a British chef on anyone except the French tax collectors.

"Robert, you've brought me a virgin?" {a term I also am fond of!}

The Bible did not arrive by fax from heaven.

Nobody is more indoctinated than the indoctrinator.

scotoma: when our preconceived notions are so powerful that our mind blocks out the inconguity of a scene and our eyes override it.

Rose is an anagram of Eros, the Greek god of sexual love.

History is always written by the winners. When two cultures clash, the loser is obliterated, and the winnder writes the history books - books which glorify their own cause and disparage the conquered foe.

The greatest story ever told is, in fact, the greatest story ever sold.

Everything in Paris has gone terribly wrong. {I laugh at the decontextualization of this line!}

You were rescued by a knight brandishing an Excalibur made by Acme Ofthodepic. {the most unlikely heros *sigh*}

My friends, it seems we have a decision to make. And we'd better make it fast.

***

And so it seems every day of one's life. *sigh* Decisions to make that must be made, often fast.

-RK

How it looks like I feel...

...making decisions about endings, about beginnins, about the rest of my life, about home, and about who I am or used to be or something in between.

...so far in the waves - waves that are cold and dark, close enough to the light to see it, but so far off that darkness threatens to swallow me whole.

A picture is worth a thousand words...tonight, I think it is worth a million emotions.

-RK

Tough decisions from a child

I just wanted to be 17 again. I just wanted to be a kid. I just wanted to have fun...and just wanted to be a child.

But I'm beginning to see that isn't possible. I'm not 17 anymore, and I never will be again. I'm not a kid anymore. My years of having decisions made for me, of just playing out in the sandbox, of swining on swingsets and swimming in the ocean without a care in the world - those days are fading fast. Those days are almost gone.

I know now that the days ahead of me are filled with tough decisions. Decisions I'm still not so sure that I'm old enough for. But I am, I have to be. These decisions don't come from nowhere, and no one else can answer to them. They are mine to make, mine to struggle with, mine to grow from.

I'm not a teenager any more. I'm not a kid, I'm not a child. I have to put away childish things, I have to be strong, I have to make decisions that are going to change my life for good.

No more wondering whether I should have ketchup or tartar sauce with a corndog. No more thinking the color of my cool-aid was a big deal. No more writing letters to backstreet boys and bruce willises and thinking their answer will change my life. No more getting dressed under a daisy sun. No more lunchboxes, no more $3 lunch meals, no more waiting for someone else to pick me up. The time has come.

Time for me to grow up. Time for me to realize that I'm not just someone's baby anymore. Time to see that the decisions I make will change this path I'm on for good. Time to realize that I'm well on my way away from my days of carefree fun. Time to understand that my choices, my decisions, the moves I make are going to alter my life forever. Time to see what a decision means in the grander scheme of things. Time for me to realize that I've grown up without even noticing it. Time to understand that it's time.

I think I will always be afraid. Everytime I cross a bridge, everytime another door opens and one closes. Everytime I look behind me and see only shadows, everytime I look before me and see only darkness. I think I will always be afraid. Afraid of putting my skiis out over the slope and just letting the snow carry me down. I think I will always want to get back on the ski lift, no matter how high up the mountain I get. I think I will always be afraid of the slope, afraid of the cliff, afraid of just listening to my father and just taking the chance that he is right. I think I will always be afaid of slopes that I can't tell how steep they are. But I think I will always go anyway.

Because you can't get back on the ski lift. You can't take off your skiis and go back down the mountain on your rear end. You can't stand on the top of the mountain forever. You have to listen to your daddy. He's been down the slope before and he knows it isn't as bad as it looks from where you are. You just have to trust him that he cares about you and wouldn't ask you to do something he knows you can't do. Even when the slope is a blue diamond - and you've never been down anything more than a green square. But he knows what the slope is like - you just have to be willing to turn to your right, put your skiis over the edge, and just go.

You'll see that your father was right. The drop isn't as bad as it looks. But the catch is, you have to take it to know.

-RK

You're a Grand Old Flag

My hometown truly has the world's best fireworks display! If you haven't been down here to see it, you need to get your act together and come check it out. I mean where else can you claim ever time four or five fireworks go off at once that is just must be the grand finale? Nowhere, I proclaim, Nowhere!

*sigh* My poor little hometown. I think there was a total of maybe 20 skybound fireworks in the sky that were visible from where I was. It was not just sad or pathetic, but it was grandly amusing. I think the best part was the jokes about the pyrotechnics that retired twenty years ago being hired by my city to come and light the fireworks. We sat there and every time there was another 5 minute pause in the fireworks (which came after about every time five fireworks went off), we made comments like: "Joe, get up & reload", "Ah man, Bob. I did it last time it's your turn", "Ugh, here hold my coffee Dan. I don't wanna drop anything..."

It was really great. At least we thought so.

So much for great 4th of July fireworks extravagenza's, eh? Oh well, at least the hamburgers were good. In fact, all of the food was stellar: Hamburgers with taco sauce, potato salad with onions, fruit salad with pecans and whipped cream, vegies with ranch, and iced tea with creamer. It was so good. I ate so very much. It was delicious.

Just a sidenote: The word "onions" always reminds me of Los Amigos. *sigh* I dunno if that is good or bad....but it is.

And then there was the company. Went to see Jon & Kira at the apartment. That was fun. When to see Mike at coffee. That was fun too. LOL. Aquired some new "jewelry" in the form of a Chandelier chain, purple medical tape, and ribbons. Not to mention the vampire red lipgloss. Oh yes, I feel so...confusing. It's fun being confusing to the rest of the world. Also aquired tons of dresses and character tees. I can't wait to wear them all. Can't wait to die my hair back to black/red...

Well, I think that sums it up for the holiday weekend. It was fun, relaxing, and overall a pretty gosh darn good time. I only hope that the week won't be hellish - or else I will have to be sad again :'( But let's not think of that - at least it will be Tuesday when I go back, which has gotta mean something. At least I hope it does.

Well, well - I think that is it. No deep dreary moans about anything, no reveries on life in general, no pains emminating from my lost little heart, no agony seeping out from my soul. Just a good ol' account of a fairly nice holiday weekend. So until I feel compelled
to slather myself onto the pages of this blog; I sign off with somewhat of a smile and remember what it felt like to feel like me again...

-RK

Why I am like I am

I am Melancholy Choleric

The Scores-

Overall-
Melancholy:28
Phlegmatic:4
Sanguine:2
Choleric:5
Strengths-
Melancholy:14
Phlegmatic:2
Sanguine:2
Choleric:2
Weakneses-
Melancholy:14
Phlegmatic:2
Sanguine:0
Choleric:3

The Melancholy in me...

The Introvert | The Thinker | The Pessimist

The Melancholy's Emotions-
Good:Deep and thoughtfully
Analytical
Serious and purposeful
Genius prone
Talented and creative
Artistic or musical
Philosophical and poetic
appreciative of beauty
Sensitive to others
Self-sacrificing
Conscientious
Idealistic
And bad:Remembers the negatives
Moody and depressed
Enjoys being hurt
Has false humility
Off in another world
Low self-image
Has selective hearing
Self-centered
Too introspective
Guilt feelings
Persecution complex
Tends to hypochondria

The Melancholy As A Parent-
Good:Sets high standards
Wants everything done right
Keeps home in good order
Picks up after children
Sacrifices own will for others
Encourages scholarship and talent
And bad:Puts goals beyond reach
May discourage children
May be too meticulous
Becomes martyr
Sulks over disagreements
Puts guilt upon children

The Melancholy At Work-
Good:Schedule oriented
Perfectionist, high standards
Detail conscious
Persistent and thorough
Orderly and organized
Neat and tidy
Economical
Sees the problems
Finds creative solutions
Needs to finish what he starts
Likes charts, graphs, figures, lists
And bad:Not people oriented
depressed over imperfections
Chooses difficult work
Hesitant to start projects
Spends to much time planning
Prefers analysis to work
Self-deprecating
Hard to please
Standards often to high
Deep need for approval

The Melancholy As a Friend-
Good:Makes friends cautiously
Content to stay in background
Avoids causing attention
Faithful and devoted
Will listen to complaints
Can solve other's problems
Deep concern for other people
Moved to tears with compassion
Seeks ideal mate
And bad:Lives through others
Insecure socially
Withdrawn and remote
critical of others
Holds back affections
Dislikes those in opposition
Suspicious of people
Antagonistic and vengeful
Unforgiving
Full of contradictions
Skeptical of compliments

And the Choleric side of me...

The Extrovert | The Doer | The Optimist

The Choleric's Emotions-
Good:Born leader
Dynamic and active
Compulsive need for change
Must correct wrongs
Strong-willed and decisive
Unemotional
Not easily discouraged
Independent and self sufficient
Exudes confidence
Can run anything
And bad:Bossy
Impatient
Quick-tempered
Can't Relax
Too impetuous
Enjoys controversy and arguments
Won't give up when loosing
Comes on too strong
Inflexible
Is not complimentary
Dislikes tears and emotions
Is unsympathetic

The Choleric As A Parent-
Good:Exerts sound leadership
Establishes Goals
Motivates family to action
Knows the right answer
Organizes household
And bad:Tends to over dominate
Too busy for family
Gives answers too quickly
Impatient with poor performance
Won't let children relax
May send them into depression

The Choleric At Work-
Good:Goal oriented
Sees the whole picture
Organizes well
Seeks practical solutions
Moves quickly to action
Delegates work
Insists on production
Makes the goal
Stimulates activity
Thrives on opposition
And bad:Little tolerance for mistakes
Doesn't analyze details
Bored by trivia
May make rash decisions
May be rude or tactless
Manipulates people
Demanding of others
End justifies the means
Work may become his god
Demands loyalty in the ranks

The Choleric As a Friend-
Good:Has little need for friends
Will work for group activity
Will lead and organize
Is usually right
Excels in emergencies
And bad:Tends to use people
Dominates others
Knows everything
Decides for others
Can do everything better
Is to independent
Possessive of friends and mate
Can't say, "I'm Sorry"
May be right, but unpopular


**Can they put me in more of a box? Sigh, as though one can never change...

Oh well, I suppose some of these traits do explain parts of me to some degree. So tehre you have it. Take what you think is valuable. Throw out what you think isn't. That really is all there is to it. I just thought I would share.

Just so you might be able to understand a little bit better...

-RK

Can it ever be true again?

I thought once that you knew me,
But I can see now how wrong I was.
And I knew once that you loved me,
but tonight I can't hear through the haze.

What happened to what we used to be;
All I am feeling is the pain.
And how'd we get so far from what we used to be;
The chaff being mixed with the grain?

Yet I know that you love me still,
You always somehow have.
I guess that I'm just so scared,
that we won't make it throught the storm.

And if I lost you, I'd lose the better part of me;
I'd be afraid of waking tomorrow...
Yet lately even here in your wings,
I cannot pretend I feel no sorrow.

And I cannot express in words tonight,
I can't even write them here.
And I get so aggrivated with it all,
That you still don't even hear.

My words and tears fall to the floor
and my heart is close behind.
And again and again its so hopeless,
when even my own words I cannot find.

So I run because it's the only place
I know there's safety left for me.
And it's not that I want you to go,
It's just I don't know what I see now.

So I'd rather let the storms toss me,
than struggle through my thoughts.
And I'm getting so tired now,
of all the times we've fought.

Can't we just somehow rekindle
the blazing fire we let slowly die?
Can't we please just find the silence,
and stop asking ourselves why?

Cuz all I ever wanted
was to just be here with you.
And all I ever needed here,
was to only be a part of you.

I never wanted any more
than just to be a part of your life.
And even in that, my love
You know I'd gladly share your pain.

Just please don't forget me...
"I won't forget you My Gift," He says.
But do I wait to let him in again?
So volnerable I am after so much.

Though my life is not the same without him.
He works to make me happy,
he wants to see me smile;
His life is so mine can be complete

November 24, 2001

Searching for pieces of me

I haven't been able to find my full self anymore. I haven't been able to see myself in the mirror like I used to. I haven't been able to find all the pieces of me yet.

I wanted to put them back together. I wanted to put my life back together. I wanted to smile and I wanted to laugh and I thought I'd be okay after that...

but I can't seem to find all the pieces of me yet.

I'm not sure where I went. I'm not sure that I'm supposed to know. I don't know that I'll ever recover all the pieces of me. Maybe too many of them got lost in the dust. Maybe some of them blew away. Maybe too many of them got lost in the sand while I was falling all over myself. Maybe pieces of me jsut got caught up in the wind, and disappeared for good.

I might not be meant to find those pieces of me. Maybe I'm supposed to be like this. Maybe I'm supposed to be - unwhole. Maybe I'm supposed to be just a girl...

I wish I could explain it. I wish I could understand it. I wish I could find all the pieces of me that are missing.

But sometimes, I feel like I'm searching in a hay field for a needle. And sometimes I feel like I'm swimming upstream only to find another river. Other times I know that I'm in the ocean, too afraid to float. But other times I know that I'm still on the bow of the ship - just waiting to jump off...

I wish I could recover me. Wherever it was that I went; wherever it was that I started to disappear. I wish I could find me and bring me back home - tell myself that its okay to feel this way; and somehow glue back together the missing pieces of me.

I don't know that I can do that. I don't know if I have the glue - but more importantly, I don't know if I can ever find those pieces of me...those pieces of me that got lost in the hurricane, pieces of me that got trapped in the wind, pieces of me that got buried in the sand, pieces of me that just slipped through my hands...

I don't know that I can recover them. I don't know that they even stil exist. And if they do, I have no idea where they all went.

-RK

Waking me up

I don't want to live my entire life in the silences. I don't want to disappear, forever. I don't want to be so far forgotten that I might as well have never existed. I don't want to live my life under stifled breath and bated hope - forever.

I want to be able to be happy again. I want to be able to smile again. I want to feel the warmth of the sun on my face again. I want to feel life flowing through me again. Without the cold wind blowing through my bones. Without the deep stillness echoing everywhere I go. Without the depth of nothing breaking through the light I see and showing me hoeplessness once again.

I want to dream without waking to nightmares. I want to laugh without telling myself to remember that I'm sad. I want to sing without being scared. I want to live without being dead.

I guess at some level, life doesn't really care what you want, does it? But I don't care about life - so I'm going to want what I want anyway. If that means falling down throught the depths of disappointment - so be it. If dreaming means that I have to stay asleep, I'm willing. Because sleeping in peace and dreams is better than living with Satan, drinking Pina Coladas. Yes, I'd rather dream than be miserable one day longer- so don't wake me up.

If I'm wrong, I guess I'll figure it out. But for now, I want to dream, so just let me sleep...

Sleeping, where the peace is. Sleeping, where the light lives. Sleeping, where I can stop feeling for just one second. Sleeping...where I don't have to admit that I'm scared, where I don't have to admit that I am.

*soigh* Maybe I just want to sleep. Sleep from one morning to the next, from one day through until a new one starts. Sleep until the Lord comes back...sleep in peace. But I know one day I have to awake. Yet when I do, I don't want to wake to silence.

I don't want to wake to empty eyes and a life full of nothing. I don't want to wake to a mirror full of regrets and ache. I don't want to awake to more death, more pain, and more endings. I don't want to wake to more of this life, more of this stillness, more of this never moving - never growing - never changing - never becoming...

I don't want to wake to me anymore. Make me wake to someone else. Let me see in the mirror eyes that have some color behind them, a life that has some passion behind it, a dream that has some purpose behind it, a girl whose got some life behind her.

Becuase if I have to wake to me, here, again - I would rather not wake. If I have to wake to this place and these eyes and this same old empty expression on my face - I would rather just sleep forever. So don't wake me up unless you'll bring me back to life. Don't stir me unless you'll unsettle me. Don't move me until you'll carry me away.

And don't make me get up unless you have plans - plans to permanently change my life.

-RK

Falling...

Fetal position, and sleep. Curl up under covers, sweating from the heat and the hot breath you breathe. Clinging to your own rib cage...falling, falling, falling.

A light breaks through the window. It must be past 6 am, but you refuse to admit that you have stayed up all night long. Toss, turn, flop on one side and then the next. Push away your company. No comfort. Nothing to hold. Drifting, slipping, falling.

Staring off into the blackness of the room all around. Guitar and piano humming sorrowfully in the background. Don't want to pay attention, just wanted to sleep. Mind swirling around every pain, every hurt you feel. Depth opening the wounds of regret - one...more...time...Losing, failing, and falling.

Rain pouring in the back of your mind. Searing sun blaring in your face. Facing a day without really noticing your living it. Getting up just because you have to. Not because you slept. Lying down just because you are supposed to. Not that sleep will comfort you. Waking in the morning, feeling the darkness colder than the morning before. Feeling the world falling to pieces. Breaking, snapping, and shattering at your feet. All of it failing forever...failing and then, falling.

Glimmers of hope here and there only make you wonder, wonder why you stay. Looking forward to something else - someone new - some other life that might one day live in you. But still, you feel it. Constantly before you, taunting and telling the stories of your past. The times you weren't enough and the times you never wanted. The times you broke - the times you fell.

Falling. Always falling. From one height down into the vallies. From one mountain down into the ocean - and over and over it just repeats. Grasping hope like sand in a windstorm. Grasping life like wind in your face. Fighting against everything like a hurricane on the horizon. Dreading the next day like a storm miles off. Fearing, feeling, and falling...

always falling.

-RK