Sitting under a blue moon
Tonight must be special...to someone out there. It must mean something, this rareity; this odd turn of events that I don't understand. Why I'm here and why the moon is blue. It doesn't make any sense - but one day it is going to.
Where are you, and if you were closer could I see you? Could I feel you, or hold you, or know you? Could I be a part of you - if you were not so far away, so out of my reach...
...sigh.
I don't think it is a good idea to think in these kinds of moods. The kind of mood where you are afraid that what you needed is slipping away, out of your control - out of your reach forever. The kind of mood when all you want to do is curl up and fall asleep without the agonyt, without the pain of the memory - without the dreadful realization that all appears to be so lost...so confused in this desert of misunderstanding, loss, and despair. A desert that you know far too well...
...at least that is how it can feel. Like you could just stop sleeping for lack of a reason to. Like you could go on for years without feeling is someone told you to - pretending that your heart had gone cold from the ice without and the winter within, chilling over everything you thought you used to have...
...I am afraid.
Is it okay to say that? That I'm scared, that I'm afraid, that I don't want to leave because if I leave, I lose? And I'm tired of losing - losing everything that I thought was good. Losing those who said they loved me.
I know, in the end it worked out fine. In the end, I will find that one that I cannot believe does not exist - the one who is made my Simon....the one who is; must be; makes no sense not to be.
Either way, it's a blue moon. This doesn't happen every day, every week, every time the new moon comes around. But tonight is a blue moon. Looking around, I see a room that isn't too different from the one I've known for a long time now. Looking around, I see memories that make me smile, make me cry, make me feel alive, and make me want to die. I see gain and loss, lessons and mistakes - I see everything I've ever felt, just sitting here in my room looking around. I see love and anger, bitterness, rage, and comfort. I can find compassion and distrust. I can feel hope and despair, all just sitting here. Most of it has been swept into the corners of the room, collecting dust now. Most of it is old and growing faded, but, just like the pictures in my picture frames, still exist.
It's just like the purple walls here. I can remember when once they were white. Before that, they had cheap Mickey Mouse boarder in the middle of the wall. And my desk, it used to be a small whitewashed desk from Germany. And my dresser - it used to have multicolored drawers until one day my mom and I went out on the front porch and scraped them down, sanded them, and painted them white. The rest of the dresser never got done, including the pastel yellow door - but the drawers are plain white now.
And my bed used to be in one piece, all of the white and gold flashing like a dream. It used to be covered in a pink flower duvette cover. Now there are quilts where my fleather blanket used to lay. And my CD stand is now full of waterballs instead of empty jewel cases.
So many things are different here. It amazes me sometimes to look at how different life is to how it used to be. But some things always remain the same. My bed still sits under the window sill and I can still look out through the screen and see the same stars looking down at me. At the right time of month, the moon shines in like the sun and floods my room with brilliant silver light. It bothered me sometimes, but it made me feel sort of awestruck. It still does. Tonight, it will be a blue moon shining in, flooding the mauve carpet with its silver strands of light.
The carpet is still mauve with black marks from my desk chair which is still in ill-repair. It's brown, it's old, it leaves small black stripes on the pink carpet, but it serves it's purpose. I can't sit in anything else - it just isn't the same.
The walls still have flowers in the corners - so many of them significant markers in my life that I can't forget: marriages, birthdays, graduations.
My lamp still has no lamp shade and I like it that way.
My bed is still a trundle, my room is still endlessly collecting trinkets which I will probably never get rid of and never stop collecting, and furniture hasn't moved in years....
Years...
I have been away from home, out of my room for more than a few weeks at a time for years now. I can't believe it. So many things have changed, so many others have stayed the same.
But I miss some of the people who used to be here. I miss my friends, those close to me that I haven't seen, that I've lost, that I had to say goodbye to. I miss a lot of things. Sometimes, I even miss this old room.
It will be hard to be away from it all for so long. So many things will change without my noticing, without me seeing them grow or slowly become something else. This house is going to change, my family is going to change - my life will change. I am going to change. And to be honest, I am going to miss this old place.
I'm going to miss my little hometown, no matter how big it gets. I'm going to miss this room, this house, and this neighborhood. I'll miss the drive I take from home to school, even when I am annoyed at the fact I have to make it. I will miss my friends.
I will miss my church.
I'll miss singing in worship and going to coffee to listen to artists wanting to make it big, or just make it at all. I'll miss time with my sisters, their children, and my parents. I will miss many things.
I will miss those I have to say goodbye to...
It isn't easy getting ready - but I'm excited. And yet in my excitement, I am not foolish enough to not see the fear. I am leaving my life behind and going out to somewhere unknown - leaving all that is safe and going to somewhere where I can no longer be sheltered by my friends, family, and home. I am leaving soon - and I'm not going to see this room for a long time.
So I drink in all that is familiar to me, under this blue moon, realizing that soon - it will all drastically change for me. And just as the blue moon, it will all be a strange rareity - a chance to redo me and find out if I like what I see.
-RK
Where are you, and if you were closer could I see you? Could I feel you, or hold you, or know you? Could I be a part of you - if you were not so far away, so out of my reach...
...sigh.
I don't think it is a good idea to think in these kinds of moods. The kind of mood where you are afraid that what you needed is slipping away, out of your control - out of your reach forever. The kind of mood when all you want to do is curl up and fall asleep without the agonyt, without the pain of the memory - without the dreadful realization that all appears to be so lost...so confused in this desert of misunderstanding, loss, and despair. A desert that you know far too well...
...at least that is how it can feel. Like you could just stop sleeping for lack of a reason to. Like you could go on for years without feeling is someone told you to - pretending that your heart had gone cold from the ice without and the winter within, chilling over everything you thought you used to have...
...I am afraid.
Is it okay to say that? That I'm scared, that I'm afraid, that I don't want to leave because if I leave, I lose? And I'm tired of losing - losing everything that I thought was good. Losing those who said they loved me.
I know, in the end it worked out fine. In the end, I will find that one that I cannot believe does not exist - the one who is made my Simon....the one who is; must be; makes no sense not to be.
Either way, it's a blue moon. This doesn't happen every day, every week, every time the new moon comes around. But tonight is a blue moon. Looking around, I see a room that isn't too different from the one I've known for a long time now. Looking around, I see memories that make me smile, make me cry, make me feel alive, and make me want to die. I see gain and loss, lessons and mistakes - I see everything I've ever felt, just sitting here in my room looking around. I see love and anger, bitterness, rage, and comfort. I can find compassion and distrust. I can feel hope and despair, all just sitting here. Most of it has been swept into the corners of the room, collecting dust now. Most of it is old and growing faded, but, just like the pictures in my picture frames, still exist.
It's just like the purple walls here. I can remember when once they were white. Before that, they had cheap Mickey Mouse boarder in the middle of the wall. And my desk, it used to be a small whitewashed desk from Germany. And my dresser - it used to have multicolored drawers until one day my mom and I went out on the front porch and scraped them down, sanded them, and painted them white. The rest of the dresser never got done, including the pastel yellow door - but the drawers are plain white now.
And my bed used to be in one piece, all of the white and gold flashing like a dream. It used to be covered in a pink flower duvette cover. Now there are quilts where my fleather blanket used to lay. And my CD stand is now full of waterballs instead of empty jewel cases.
So many things are different here. It amazes me sometimes to look at how different life is to how it used to be. But some things always remain the same. My bed still sits under the window sill and I can still look out through the screen and see the same stars looking down at me. At the right time of month, the moon shines in like the sun and floods my room with brilliant silver light. It bothered me sometimes, but it made me feel sort of awestruck. It still does. Tonight, it will be a blue moon shining in, flooding the mauve carpet with its silver strands of light.
The carpet is still mauve with black marks from my desk chair which is still in ill-repair. It's brown, it's old, it leaves small black stripes on the pink carpet, but it serves it's purpose. I can't sit in anything else - it just isn't the same.
The walls still have flowers in the corners - so many of them significant markers in my life that I can't forget: marriages, birthdays, graduations.
My lamp still has no lamp shade and I like it that way.
My bed is still a trundle, my room is still endlessly collecting trinkets which I will probably never get rid of and never stop collecting, and furniture hasn't moved in years....
Years...
I have been away from home, out of my room for more than a few weeks at a time for years now. I can't believe it. So many things have changed, so many others have stayed the same.
But I miss some of the people who used to be here. I miss my friends, those close to me that I haven't seen, that I've lost, that I had to say goodbye to. I miss a lot of things. Sometimes, I even miss this old room.
It will be hard to be away from it all for so long. So many things will change without my noticing, without me seeing them grow or slowly become something else. This house is going to change, my family is going to change - my life will change. I am going to change. And to be honest, I am going to miss this old place.
I'm going to miss my little hometown, no matter how big it gets. I'm going to miss this room, this house, and this neighborhood. I'll miss the drive I take from home to school, even when I am annoyed at the fact I have to make it. I will miss my friends.
I will miss my church.
I'll miss singing in worship and going to coffee to listen to artists wanting to make it big, or just make it at all. I'll miss time with my sisters, their children, and my parents. I will miss many things.
I will miss those I have to say goodbye to...
It isn't easy getting ready - but I'm excited. And yet in my excitement, I am not foolish enough to not see the fear. I am leaving my life behind and going out to somewhere unknown - leaving all that is safe and going to somewhere where I can no longer be sheltered by my friends, family, and home. I am leaving soon - and I'm not going to see this room for a long time.
So I drink in all that is familiar to me, under this blue moon, realizing that soon - it will all drastically change for me. And just as the blue moon, it will all be a strange rareity - a chance to redo me and find out if I like what I see.
-RK
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