Wonders
It mattered...really.....it did....everything I did today, yesterday, the years before now...it mattered. And yet, it makes me wonder about so many things.
I wonder what I'll think of my life when I look back on it in ten years. I wonder what I will think I was thinking then, and I wonder what I'll think about the choices I made. I wonder if I'll look back with someone, or if I'll look back by myself. I wonder if I'll thank God that He did what He did, or if I'll ask Him why it all had to go that way anyway. I wonder if I'll be happy or angry, joyful or lonely. I wonder if I'll be an author in Britain, confusing all the literary categorizers or if I'll be a teacher in Southern California without ever having a single page published.
I wonder if I'll have a family or if I'll be solo for the rest of my life. And I wonder what my children will look like or if I'll ever even have any. I wonder who my husband will be or if I'll remain unmarried. I wonder where I'll live - if it will be in the city or in the suburbs; if I'll have a house or a studio apartment; if I'll have dogs & cats or just fish - or maybe nothing at all.
I wonder where my future is going to take me - where God is going to take me. I wonder if I'll travel Europe for years or if I'll live in Colorado and finish up school somewhere in Denver. Or what if I get my Doctorate and decide that I'd rather be a doctor, or a lawyer, or a politician, or a travel journalist. And I wonder who I'll be when I look in the mirror in ten years and think about who I am now...and I wonder if I'll think I was young and foolish or if I'll see why I thought the way I did. And I wonder if I'll think about twenty and realize I was only a child, or if I'll think back and remember how happy I was, or how miserable I was - and if I'll learn anything from me being me right now.
I wonder what God has in store for me. And I wonder if I'll look back on this as the past and just laugh, or maybe I'll cry. Or maybe I won't really feel anything at all, but have a knowing glimmer in my eye as I nod and move on.
Who knows.
Maybe I'll die tomorrow or maybe I'll live a hundred more years - it's possible. Right now, almost anything is possible...
...almost.
And I wonder what I'll tell my family this day, this time, this year was like in my life when I'm eighty, if I ever live to see it. I wonder if I'll cherish my college years or just throw them in the pot with high school, throw up my hands, and say forget it!. I don't know...
but I wonder.
And at times, I wish I knew what the future looked like. Other times, I'm just glad that I don't. If I knew, I wouldn't be who and what I am now - and if I couldn't be who or what I was now, then I would never be who or what I was meant to be then anyway.
Because our mistakes sometimes make us. Sometimes, they break us. But either way, the things we do now shaped what we will be doing in ten, twenty years from now. And I'm glad I don't know what and who I'll be then because I couldn't live now if I did.
So whatever I wonder, I'm just going to leave it at that. I don't have to try and figure out where my life is headed - I just have to live each day the best I can, and wonder what the next will bring.
Because one of the greatest things we have is the chance to look into a foggy glass called time with the dim reflection of a future - and wonder.
-RK
I wonder what I'll think of my life when I look back on it in ten years. I wonder what I will think I was thinking then, and I wonder what I'll think about the choices I made. I wonder if I'll look back with someone, or if I'll look back by myself. I wonder if I'll thank God that He did what He did, or if I'll ask Him why it all had to go that way anyway. I wonder if I'll be happy or angry, joyful or lonely. I wonder if I'll be an author in Britain, confusing all the literary categorizers or if I'll be a teacher in Southern California without ever having a single page published.
I wonder if I'll have a family or if I'll be solo for the rest of my life. And I wonder what my children will look like or if I'll ever even have any. I wonder who my husband will be or if I'll remain unmarried. I wonder where I'll live - if it will be in the city or in the suburbs; if I'll have a house or a studio apartment; if I'll have dogs & cats or just fish - or maybe nothing at all.
I wonder where my future is going to take me - where God is going to take me. I wonder if I'll travel Europe for years or if I'll live in Colorado and finish up school somewhere in Denver. Or what if I get my Doctorate and decide that I'd rather be a doctor, or a lawyer, or a politician, or a travel journalist. And I wonder who I'll be when I look in the mirror in ten years and think about who I am now...and I wonder if I'll think I was young and foolish or if I'll see why I thought the way I did. And I wonder if I'll think about twenty and realize I was only a child, or if I'll think back and remember how happy I was, or how miserable I was - and if I'll learn anything from me being me right now.
I wonder what God has in store for me. And I wonder if I'll look back on this as the past and just laugh, or maybe I'll cry. Or maybe I won't really feel anything at all, but have a knowing glimmer in my eye as I nod and move on.
Who knows.
Maybe I'll die tomorrow or maybe I'll live a hundred more years - it's possible. Right now, almost anything is possible...
...almost.
And I wonder what I'll tell my family this day, this time, this year was like in my life when I'm eighty, if I ever live to see it. I wonder if I'll cherish my college years or just throw them in the pot with high school, throw up my hands, and say forget it!. I don't know...
but I wonder.
And at times, I wish I knew what the future looked like. Other times, I'm just glad that I don't. If I knew, I wouldn't be who and what I am now - and if I couldn't be who or what I was now, then I would never be who or what I was meant to be then anyway.
Because our mistakes sometimes make us. Sometimes, they break us. But either way, the things we do now shaped what we will be doing in ten, twenty years from now. And I'm glad I don't know what and who I'll be then because I couldn't live now if I did.
So whatever I wonder, I'm just going to leave it at that. I don't have to try and figure out where my life is headed - I just have to live each day the best I can, and wonder what the next will bring.
Because one of the greatest things we have is the chance to look into a foggy glass called time with the dim reflection of a future - and wonder.
-RK
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