for the wishes

I'm going to start off by apoligizing for feeling how I feel, for being what I am, and for saying what I said. Tomorrow I might wake up and realize all of this is just crap and that I was wrong. I hope at least one day I do, so I can come back here and say sorry all over again. But until that day, I'll at least admit that most of this probably is legitimately stupid, and so you don't have to pay attention to any of it - because I'm saying sorry in advance.

***

I wish sometimes that everything in life was easy. I wish that I knew my way around, that I could see beyond my nose, and that sometimes life was just easy. I wish I could just love people and be loved in return, know people and be known in return; that I could have a secure future and not have to worry about what I will be doing in the next second of my life.

I wish that I could dance and dream without waking up. I wish I could sing without anyone listening. I wish I could be stellar at something and good at most things. I wish I knew how to be, who to be, and what to be without walking through fires and burning bridges on my way.

I wish I could wear the color pink without having a reason.

I wish I could fly away like butterflies do when they're scared. I wish I could be free from oppression and depression. I wish I could get on a plane in the middle of the night and go anywhere to get away from here.

I wish I could learn from my mistakes and do what is right instead of what seems right. I wish I could stop doing things that hurt. I wish I could love people who loved me back. I wish I knew that my love meant something to someone out there, instead it echoing back into the damn valleys of my heart and coming back hollow. I wish I could do something about where I am and who I am.

I wish I could stop wishing because my life made sense.

I wish I could get away from here and away from these feelings that I feel. I wish I didn't have to feel at all anymore. I wish I wasn't so stupid and so hurt and so lost and so confused, and I wish that I could just stop feeling the way I feel - wishing for so many things that I know I can't have, that I know I'll never have, that I know won't even really matter in the end.

And yet, I still wish. I don't know why. I don't know why I'm so stupid, why I'm so lost, and why I feel like I shouldn't feel as lost as I do. I don't know why I look down at my feet and all I see is shackles chaining me to a place I never wanted to be. I don't know why I have the stupid, irrelevant wishes that I do. I just do.

And I don't know why my damn room is always cold when its cold outside, hot when its hot outside, and just generally a miserable place to be. But there is nowhere else for me to go, no other shelter - no other place to stay. I only have here, where I am miserable. Because where I am happy, I am not allowed to be. Because where I can smile, I am condemned from. Because any spark of hope in my soul that maybe one day I will be okay is not allowed. Because any voice in the darkness calling out that someone might love me isn't permitted. Because any dream that I have must turn into a nightmare. Because everything I do must be ruined or just plain worthless. Because everything I ever wanted is dead and there is nothing I can do about it now.

Because I am miserable with no hopes of snapping out of it. Because if I did, I wouldn't know what to be anymore - and no one would recognize me, if they ever did in the first place.

So there you have it, sorry and all, for whatever it is or isn't worth.

-RK