Wanting
Time and time again.
Heart in the dust, head in the clouds...mulling over everything that doesn't matter in the end. Kicking the walls and trying to pretend like I'm not caught in a cage that I don't understand.
Begging to be let out - begging to be let in. But never knowing why.
One hand in the future, one hand in the past. WIshing both legs were in the present.
Half of me being able to go, half of me stuck as I am. Two-thirds of me falling apart, one-third remaining sane. Nine-tenths of me losing everything I've got left, one-tenth realizing that that's okay.
Afraid to go. Afraid to come. Afraid to...
want too much, ask too much, push too hard. Afraid to ruin the only thing I've got left, but looking in the mirror and seeing how its ruined anyway.
*sigh*
It would be better if things ever got easier. It would be safer for me...it would mean more right now.
But I guess the long run matters. Doesn't it?
Dear God - I don't want to be a fool again. I don't want to ruin the few things I've got left in this life, God. I don't want to do the wrong things, make the wrong choices, and hurt others more than myself. I'd rather follow You - You must know where You are going. I'd rather let You walk first, You must know this road better than I do; the road from suffering to redemtption.
God, I don't want to hurt anymore - but more, I don't want to hurt those I love. I would rather not love again...
Please, God. Let me do the right things - so those I love will not hurt again; so those I love will know; so those I love will be able to be free from the chains that bound them...so that I can think of them again without this darkness, without this dread, without this fear.
Please God, don't let me ruin the only shreds of life I've got...Please God, do something.
-RK
Heart in the dust, head in the clouds...mulling over everything that doesn't matter in the end. Kicking the walls and trying to pretend like I'm not caught in a cage that I don't understand.
Begging to be let out - begging to be let in. But never knowing why.
One hand in the future, one hand in the past. WIshing both legs were in the present.
Half of me being able to go, half of me stuck as I am. Two-thirds of me falling apart, one-third remaining sane. Nine-tenths of me losing everything I've got left, one-tenth realizing that that's okay.
Afraid to go. Afraid to come. Afraid to...
want too much, ask too much, push too hard. Afraid to ruin the only thing I've got left, but looking in the mirror and seeing how its ruined anyway.
*sigh*
It would be better if things ever got easier. It would be safer for me...it would mean more right now.
But I guess the long run matters. Doesn't it?
Dear God - I don't want to be a fool again. I don't want to ruin the few things I've got left in this life, God. I don't want to do the wrong things, make the wrong choices, and hurt others more than myself. I'd rather follow You - You must know where You are going. I'd rather let You walk first, You must know this road better than I do; the road from suffering to redemtption.
God, I don't want to hurt anymore - but more, I don't want to hurt those I love. I would rather not love again...
Please, God. Let me do the right things - so those I love will not hurt again; so those I love will know; so those I love will be able to be free from the chains that bound them...so that I can think of them again without this darkness, without this dread, without this fear.
Please God, don't let me ruin the only shreds of life I've got...Please God, do something.
-RK
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