Tough decisions from a child
I just wanted to be 17 again. I just wanted to be a kid. I just wanted to have fun...and just wanted to be a child.
But I'm beginning to see that isn't possible. I'm not 17 anymore, and I never will be again. I'm not a kid anymore. My years of having decisions made for me, of just playing out in the sandbox, of swining on swingsets and swimming in the ocean without a care in the world - those days are fading fast. Those days are almost gone.
I know now that the days ahead of me are filled with tough decisions. Decisions I'm still not so sure that I'm old enough for. But I am, I have to be. These decisions don't come from nowhere, and no one else can answer to them. They are mine to make, mine to struggle with, mine to grow from.
I'm not a teenager any more. I'm not a kid, I'm not a child. I have to put away childish things, I have to be strong, I have to make decisions that are going to change my life for good.
No more wondering whether I should have ketchup or tartar sauce with a corndog. No more thinking the color of my cool-aid was a big deal. No more writing letters to backstreet boys and bruce willises and thinking their answer will change my life. No more getting dressed under a daisy sun. No more lunchboxes, no more $3 lunch meals, no more waiting for someone else to pick me up. The time has come.
Time for me to grow up. Time for me to realize that I'm not just someone's baby anymore. Time to see that the decisions I make will change this path I'm on for good. Time to realize that I'm well on my way away from my days of carefree fun. Time to understand that my choices, my decisions, the moves I make are going to alter my life forever. Time to see what a decision means in the grander scheme of things. Time for me to realize that I've grown up without even noticing it. Time to understand that it's time.
I think I will always be afraid. Everytime I cross a bridge, everytime another door opens and one closes. Everytime I look behind me and see only shadows, everytime I look before me and see only darkness. I think I will always be afraid. Afraid of putting my skiis out over the slope and just letting the snow carry me down. I think I will always want to get back on the ski lift, no matter how high up the mountain I get. I think I will always be afraid of the slope, afraid of the cliff, afraid of just listening to my father and just taking the chance that he is right. I think I will always be afaid of slopes that I can't tell how steep they are. But I think I will always go anyway.
Because you can't get back on the ski lift. You can't take off your skiis and go back down the mountain on your rear end. You can't stand on the top of the mountain forever. You have to listen to your daddy. He's been down the slope before and he knows it isn't as bad as it looks from where you are. You just have to trust him that he cares about you and wouldn't ask you to do something he knows you can't do. Even when the slope is a blue diamond - and you've never been down anything more than a green square. But he knows what the slope is like - you just have to be willing to turn to your right, put your skiis over the edge, and just go.
You'll see that your father was right. The drop isn't as bad as it looks. But the catch is, you have to take it to know.
-RK
But I'm beginning to see that isn't possible. I'm not 17 anymore, and I never will be again. I'm not a kid anymore. My years of having decisions made for me, of just playing out in the sandbox, of swining on swingsets and swimming in the ocean without a care in the world - those days are fading fast. Those days are almost gone.
I know now that the days ahead of me are filled with tough decisions. Decisions I'm still not so sure that I'm old enough for. But I am, I have to be. These decisions don't come from nowhere, and no one else can answer to them. They are mine to make, mine to struggle with, mine to grow from.
I'm not a teenager any more. I'm not a kid, I'm not a child. I have to put away childish things, I have to be strong, I have to make decisions that are going to change my life for good.
No more wondering whether I should have ketchup or tartar sauce with a corndog. No more thinking the color of my cool-aid was a big deal. No more writing letters to backstreet boys and bruce willises and thinking their answer will change my life. No more getting dressed under a daisy sun. No more lunchboxes, no more $3 lunch meals, no more waiting for someone else to pick me up. The time has come.
Time for me to grow up. Time for me to realize that I'm not just someone's baby anymore. Time to see that the decisions I make will change this path I'm on for good. Time to realize that I'm well on my way away from my days of carefree fun. Time to understand that my choices, my decisions, the moves I make are going to alter my life forever. Time to see what a decision means in the grander scheme of things. Time for me to realize that I've grown up without even noticing it. Time to understand that it's time.
I think I will always be afraid. Everytime I cross a bridge, everytime another door opens and one closes. Everytime I look behind me and see only shadows, everytime I look before me and see only darkness. I think I will always be afraid. Afraid of putting my skiis out over the slope and just letting the snow carry me down. I think I will always want to get back on the ski lift, no matter how high up the mountain I get. I think I will always be afraid of the slope, afraid of the cliff, afraid of just listening to my father and just taking the chance that he is right. I think I will always be afaid of slopes that I can't tell how steep they are. But I think I will always go anyway.
Because you can't get back on the ski lift. You can't take off your skiis and go back down the mountain on your rear end. You can't stand on the top of the mountain forever. You have to listen to your daddy. He's been down the slope before and he knows it isn't as bad as it looks from where you are. You just have to trust him that he cares about you and wouldn't ask you to do something he knows you can't do. Even when the slope is a blue diamond - and you've never been down anything more than a green square. But he knows what the slope is like - you just have to be willing to turn to your right, put your skiis over the edge, and just go.
You'll see that your father was right. The drop isn't as bad as it looks. But the catch is, you have to take it to know.
-RK
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