All downhill from here

I guess you could say I was tired - or you could say that I was frustrated or angry, or just really annoyed at life. I mean, I suppose you could say all of those things, or any combination of them thereof...

But the problem is that I'm not so sure how right you would be. I mean, I've been thinking about it - but I guess I always think about it, don't I?

But I was thinking about it, and I tried so hard to come to a conclusion that, you know - made some sense in the long run of things. But...

sadly, I just ended up back here again. Here. The place I don't know that I'll ever leave. The place where a part of me feels safe and a part of me feels dead.

...sigh. I guess maybe that is why I stay on so long, here. I mean, honestly, I should just get moving. I really shouldn't sit here any longer. I've got nothing to wait for that is going to actually happen - and I don't have the time to think about the things that won't. So tell me, then: why do I stay?

Why do I keep thinking that this place will look different when I wake up tomorrow, or that maybe I'll feel different once I've gotten some sleep. Really, that is not sanity - that is not okay.

And yet - I continue, nonetheless.

Gosh, I'm tired. Tired physically, sure. But not only, not even namely that. I'm tired on the inside. Tired, like you can't get up and get the day going sort of tired. Tired like you want to just stop for a good long while sort of tired. Tired, like you wish it would all just go away for a short time at least kind of tired.

And I'm tried of being tired - but I just don't know how to snap out of this.

...sigh. I'm sure being home will help - at least help me to sort out these things in my head and be able to start moving again...at least, I hope that it will work that way. I hope that home will jumpstart some part of me, some emotion I couldn't feel anymore - and make it all just go away....

sigh.

I do hope home helps...I honestly do - and yet...?

Yet, I fear that it won't.

...sigh.

-RK

Just because.

It's picture time again. I don't really have anything vitally important to say, or anything like that. Really, I was just updating mah blawg and I felt that it needed a splash of something again.

So I decided it was a picture. Here you are, dear lovelies, then.

It's friggin' rad. It's completely random. And I love it. [I've had to change the original - cool dolphin picture because it no longer shows. Now it is what it is and I think it's extremely interesting - so still do enjoy it. 2/2/05]


Your welcome.

-RK

working...

Office chair, files, desk lamp - all the little things that one needs to feel like one is in an office...

...like one ought to be doing work.

And yet? Okay, well to verify - I am sitting in an office, and yes - I probably should be doing work...but it's only ten minutes to lunch and I've finished up...so I'm relaxing.

Don't bother me.

*chuckles* No, but honestly - I have so much to do, work at the moment is a good excuse to not be doing it. *sigh* Ahh, the feeling of procastination.

Isn't it wretched?

Anywho - I ought to be off in a bit....disturbing how often I'm saying that...'in a bit'...and disturbing how I've begun to quote things like 'this' rather than like "that".

Really, it all quite frightens me *whimper*

-RK

What I've been on about...

So the Crit. essay is done. I think it was good - but who knows? Another all-nighter and 23 phallic symbols later - after lots of tea, easy mac, and Avi's company - and I managed to live through. I'm tired beyond belief and my eyes are watering something awful - but honestly, I don't have much choice here.

It's gonna be another long night of research. Tomorrow - another night of hell...sigh.

I hope it isn't another all-nighter. Two in one week is deadly. Two within any spanse of time is deadly...or else it ought to be.

But there is a rainbow at the end of this thunderstorm, you know. After this paper, I get a week off to take a day or two and think! Amazing - yes, I Know.

Or in the words of the Widgester (that's right - I called you the Widgester!!!)...Astounding.

But then, after that? ...sigh. Another essay and a million presentations -

and Christmas!!!

Yes, it is only five weeks away until I get to be lounging ... ... ... wherever it is I choose to be lounging - perferrably somewhere warm with people who I care about and have missed for quite some time.

Yes...yes, my loves. I have missed you All!

And soon, the stress shall be lifted and I'll be filled with yuletide cheer - Yet again!

And yet...

...sadness still fills me to the brim of other things, and all the shiny joys that I ought to feel look a little dimmer in the light that I can see them from, and the wind feels a little colder with the thoughts I can't stop thinking on.

And yet...yet...

And yet, Widge is a Smkr - because he wants me to leave 'paracetamol' in the middle of my blog because he wanted to know how to spell it and I had to type...oh nevermind - too long a story for now, and I have to be in class in five minutes.

I might explain these things later. But really, the short of it is just that I am awaiting the yuletide cheer with a spirit of downcast wintry-ness, and my friends are smkrs.

That - at least in a nutshell again - cracked in half of course.

-RK

I've had an epiphany!

The point of college is to...get this: learn.

Even though I'm dying here, even though I get frustrated beyond belief, and even though I want to shoot all of my 'B' essays in the foot...I am learning.

And, if I were to give up now - because it would be giving up - I'd stop learning and be able to get back into the semi-mediocre rut I was in. I wouldn't have to try, and I wouldn't be stretching all of my muscles like I have to now...

So in short -

I'm staying.

That's right. I'm staying.

-RK

Why is it...

that the paradigm has to shift from one side to the other? Why is it that the paradigm can't just stay the way it is, for once...for a little while.

Why is it that this pendulum must constantly sway side to side, and can't stay where it is for a time?

Why is it push can never exist without pull - and why can't I stop getting stuck in between the two?

Why is it that this void - this space, this gap must exist between myself and those dreams that I was dreaming in the night...and why is it that the daylight always strikes the shadows and makes them all fade away into the depth of this soul?

I used to wonder why I was so afraid. I started to think about it, and tried to calm the fears - and said that none of them made any sense at all...

but then, the paradigm shifts and the pendulum swings - and my life is thrown off again.

I look at the mirrored eyes in the stars, and I can't help but wondering - where did it all go? And I can't help staring up at the sky and watching my breath fade into the night, and wondering why it all has to feel this way.

So cold outside...so cold, wherever I rest, wherever I lie.

I'd blame the pendulum, I'd blame the paradigm, I'd blame the push and pull - but there's got to be something more to it. There has to be something in this dycotome that just doesn't add up to zero....something in the equation that just doesn't balance.

And yet?

I can't quite figure it out yet. Maybe...maybe I never will - and I'll die unhappy and unsatisfied, and I'll never know what it could have been. But then again?

Maybe the dycotome will fade, maybe pendulum will cease, maybe the paradigm will rest...

and maybe I will know what it is to be without being afraid.

-RK

morrow's light?

My heart in its anguish is sad today. This day, like many other days, is dark and littered with sad news and thoughts of sad dreams and waking fits of sad things.

Like dust over the quiet compass of the world, sitting and spinning without anybody noticing, my world does spin again this morn'. Morn of mournings - with such a sunrise like I've never seen, with such warm hands as I have never felt, with such soft glances that I've never known.

Tomorrow has been told could be better - but this day, this dark day where dreams come unravelled and nightmares twist the moonrise into their fitting fears - such days are better left unlived - in many ways.

Fear, I'll rest in that for now. Sitting, humming a song I've never sung - and watching the rainbows that don't shine anymore. Perhaps, until the morrow's light floods the ground - or perhaps until the rain falls again.

-RK

rainbows from raindrops on butterfly wings I'd watched perish

9.00 and a six hour phone conversation on two calling cards that I'll probably need.

Light hitting the roof and refracting off in a million rainbows, lighting up a million butterflies that I didn't know existed in these old ruins anymore.

Lighting striking the weather vane and spinning the world out of my grasp, while the fireflies dance like they always have.

...I had no idea.

No idea how angry I was, how broken I was, how lost I was - not until I felt the wind and didn't know what direction it was coming from.

I tried to convince myself...tried to tell myself that it was, when it wasn't. Tried to talk only to myself - because I was afraid no one would listen.

I'm not sure they still do...

but there is something else in the thing, now. Something almost real that wasn't there before.

A million more conversations that'll still need to happen between myself and the sky...between 'you and I'. So many plans to make, too many things to think. So many things to have to have figured out - if it can ever really happen...if it can really be what it looks like it might start looking like.

Vauge but not. Confused, but not. Scared...but somehow, not.

You know? I could stay here, if I wanted to. I could sit under the roof and watch the rain fall, making little rainbows dance around the rim of the roof.

I could sit and be satifisied for a while...

Or I could get out from under the shelter and dance in the rain. Letting my hair down and my heart out and the world spring back to life inside me again. I could, and yet...

Something in me is afraid; something still needing to know:

that if I do...will you dance too?

-RK

laundry, cj, and too much on my heart

I'm in the middle of doing laundry, and I'm in the middle of my comm journal that is only 1/100th done and its due tomorrow, and my heart is brewing like vintage wine - and yet...I'm sitting here in the computer lab writing in all of my stupid blogs & nejals.

I know, I know - it doesn't make any sense.

*sigh* My life doesn't make any sense.

But I guess that's just the way of it. Really, if you want to know more about the terrible night I had - just read my deviantArt journal : entry brewing senses because I don't have the time or energy to write about it all over again. And if you don't - just know that it was terrible...I feel terrible...and things are only going to get worse from here on out.

...and if I had the energy to scream...

...I would.

-RK

Ohio calls for..Florida?!

I've been sitting here all afternoon...

BUT JUST LOOK ATTA MAH BLOG!

In't she a beaut?!

Yes. I am proud. Okay? I am.

But that's not all...

stayed up until 6:30 watching the US election. That was hell. It was funny...but it was hell. Mostly really just because at the end of it - at like, oh say 6:30 they switched to Breakfast BBC and the answer never came back who won and the numbers weren't constantly on the screen - and the anchor was too fresh...and really, I was mostly just peeved that it was 6:30 in the morning, I'd stayed up ALL night - and the vote didn't even come it [curse you OHIO, NEW MEXICO, IOWA, and WISCONSIN!...but really just OHIO!!!]

OK so, around 4 or 5-ish the anchors and correspondents and pundits and interviewees and what have you started to look like they needed the stage hook.

Then, they gave em it. That was funny.

And they pulled out this fresh news anchor and switch programs - but they just play it all off like aboslutely nothing happened. Nothing!....Ooh, that reminds me - I need a cowboy and fresh anchor in my pocket.

For what? I can hear you asking me. For emergencies Silly!

Yes, yes - because you never know when you'll need to a) wrangle up some cows or b) cover a fast-breaking news story in which you are just too tired.

So really - it's the perfect solution to all problems around the world. For if we all had one cowboy and one fresh news anchor in our pockets - there would be world peace and we would all be so much happier.

It must be so. It must be.

Well, back on track anyway - the electorial night was...well, something I wish I could have simply voted against. But it's not so important really. It was fun. We laughed hysterically, we made stupid jokes about nearly everything, we screamed in terror when the slate noises came on...

...we left messages for Bush from Florida, Ohio, Idaho, Ohio, Texas, Ohio, Missouri, Ohio, South Dakota, North Dakota, Ohio, Arkansas, Ohio, Montana, Ohio, Oklahoma...oh, yeah - and Ohio.

[Hmm. maybe a bit of explanation. On the BBC news coverage of the elections, everytime a state would call in their vote - it would read "DC called for Kerry", "Arkansas called for Bush". So then, it's late, and we start to think...wait, the states are calling for Bush and/or Kerry? Hold the phone {that's ironic!}. So it's like they tried to get a hold of Bush and be like - "Oh yeah, Bush, don't worry we voted for you" But you know, he's at his party thing...which by the way looked like hell for him. He's in a tiny room with these schizo camera flashes going off every second....but ANYWHO! So we are thinking like the state tried to call, but he wasn't there...so they have to leave a message. Then, later, Bush goes back and listens to the messages with a clipboard and just checks off the states that called...and that's how we really figure out who wins - just messages on answering machines!]

Most of them came along something sort of like
*beep* Bush. Bush are you there? Umm, yeah, Bush this is Idaho. You totally got us. *beep*
*beep* Bush? Okay, well this is Montana. Yeah, we're for you. *beep*
*beep* Uhh, hi there Bush. This is Arkansas. We voted for you.*beep*
*beep* Bush. Florida here. Looked close, but yeah you got us. *beep*

*beep* Yep. *beep*
-Bush checks off Texas-
random supporter: Wait. How did you know that was...
Bush: I know.

But theeeen....we come to Ohio. sigh.

Ohio.

*shakes head*

Oh Ohio.

We woulda thought you were Florida, Ohio.

That message came across someething like THIS:

*beep* Yeah, Bush. This is Ohio. We think you got us. *click* *beep*

*beep* Sorry Bush. Looks like we were wrong, you don't got us yet. *click* *beep*

*beep* Bush. Ohio again. Yeah, we're pretty sure this time. It's a go. *click* *beep*

*beep* Bush. Bush are you there? Yeah, that's looking like a no again. *click* *beep*

*beep* Okay, Bush, I think this is the final coun...oh, wait. No. Sorry. Not yet. *click* *beep*

*beep* Okay, I think this is it. yep, pretty sure you got us. *click* *beep*

*beep* Uh yeah, Bush. This is Ohio again. I don't know what's going on, but someone just came in here and sait we voted for Nader! *click* *beep*

..Then, later, [or was it before????] Kerry came on national television and announced that he was in love with a student at Newbold College and he was pulling out. Confused, the electoral counters looked from each other to the piles of ballots. What ought to they do with Kerry's votes?

What? What was that? Give them to Nader?

Well...why not?

So they did. And the world turned upside down, and Nader won! They went in to his "celebration party" where they were drinking....water. And eating...bread. And they told him he won!

We had a party. Ghandi came and blessed him and Jimi Hendrix played the national anthem. And then...

Someone came in and said there was a horrible mistake and that everything was going to just go back to normal.

...You should have seen the look on Nader's face. sigh.

But things really did go back to normal - so everything is okay again.

*whew*

Well, if nothing else - that shows you what Caro will do to you at 4 o'clock in the morning when you have been scrambling to scribble down names like "Frank Simpson" and "Former Bush SpeechWriter - Pundit" and the such - accumulating to over a PAGE of pointless names that you don't even remember straight the next minute.

But not to leave out MapMan and the bar hopping correspondent...who interviewed Jerry Springer [I'm not joking!] That was a good one.

And there was the random hair bald man and the Dan Ackroid impersonator - with the hands...that was a classic. And the woman who needed a warm bed and stage hook.

Overall - it was splendid really. But to say the least I got through my presentation and I am going to get through the rest of the week - and it is going to be better than...well, that.

Not to mention the brand new plethora of jokes that can still even now spring from that night. Oh the prospect of it.

Oh the prospect.

But now I have to go to London and stand with a taxi-ish sign that reads "People who really didn't like Bush fresh from the USA" and smack all the losers as they come in and think we will accept them. Ha! But I must go and college Widge so he can yell at them while I whack them with ample force. It will be lovely. Silly democrats ;D

And if I haven't made this clear - quite satisfied that Bush won. And have new respect for Kerry's consession. He made a far better loser than Gore ever did. I must admit that while I can't say much for what he would have done for the country (because I'm not sure he ever did either) - but I do have new respect for him as a human being...and that counts.

A flag wave to Kerry. That's right. A flag wave to Kerry.

And a high five to Bush.

If I haven't been living as a sheep in the land of the wolves, I don't know what would be.

But either way, I must say thank you to Widge for bearing through the night with me enough to see them stage hook all the pundits and whip out the fresh anchor.

It was touching of them. Deeply. Really.

Or maybe it was the hour of the morning in contrast to my lost hours of sleep?

Either way, it was good.

-RK

heaven forbid

Another long day, half truths filling the empty spaces between my life and yours; empty spanses of dry grass, dead from the winter cold, still struggling to get a glimpse of the other side of the landscape where it might just be a little brighter.

Sometimes, it seems worth wondering about - worth thinking and planning and hoping about. Sometimes, it doesn't seem like it's all the great expansive waste of time that it really just ends up being. Sometimes, even, it seems like the thing is really invaluable - like it should really be important somehow...as if any of it really matterd at all.

And yet...yet, what?

The time still ticks away. One moment its a year, the next its only months away - and before you feel like you've really opened your eyes, it's right there upon you, smiling down from the condescending hill where you thought you would eventually end up. Still, it must seem worth it somehow, mustn't it? Or else, why would the thing be so ellusive, so ingraspable, so hard to find a reason for?

Nay. It can't be that. And yet...there must be some reason why the thought it of won't rest like the others will.

If sighing would express the idea, that would be easier - but it wonna work. So instead, it seems that the thought of the thing, the object of the thing, even the thing itself will continue to be mulled over until at least the thing is apt enought to rest.

It may be. But then, it mayn't as well. P'haps we'll not know either way - and yet...

I suppose just as Hamm - I really do hesitate to end.

...at times, at least.

...I fear we all do.

-RK