All downhill from here

I guess you could say I was tired - or you could say that I was frustrated or angry, or just really annoyed at life. I mean, I suppose you could say all of those things, or any combination of them thereof...

But the problem is that I'm not so sure how right you would be. I mean, I've been thinking about it - but I guess I always think about it, don't I?

But I was thinking about it, and I tried so hard to come to a conclusion that, you know - made some sense in the long run of things. But...

sadly, I just ended up back here again. Here. The place I don't know that I'll ever leave. The place where a part of me feels safe and a part of me feels dead.

...sigh. I guess maybe that is why I stay on so long, here. I mean, honestly, I should just get moving. I really shouldn't sit here any longer. I've got nothing to wait for that is going to actually happen - and I don't have the time to think about the things that won't. So tell me, then: why do I stay?

Why do I keep thinking that this place will look different when I wake up tomorrow, or that maybe I'll feel different once I've gotten some sleep. Really, that is not sanity - that is not okay.

And yet - I continue, nonetheless.

Gosh, I'm tired. Tired physically, sure. But not only, not even namely that. I'm tired on the inside. Tired, like you can't get up and get the day going sort of tired. Tired like you want to just stop for a good long while sort of tired. Tired, like you wish it would all just go away for a short time at least kind of tired.

And I'm tried of being tired - but I just don't know how to snap out of this.

...sigh. I'm sure being home will help - at least help me to sort out these things in my head and be able to start moving again...at least, I hope that it will work that way. I hope that home will jumpstart some part of me, some emotion I couldn't feel anymore - and make it all just go away....

sigh.

I do hope home helps...I honestly do - and yet...?

Yet, I fear that it won't.

...sigh.

-RK