too many demons in too many places

*sigh* Too many demons in too many places...

But then, when I really think about it - I just think, "So what?" I'm not dead yet, why should I act like it?

I hate sighing, sleeping, not dreaming...

I hate living in college, living through college, living for college. I hate the homework and I hate the classes. I hate cafeteria food and not having enough money for a $2 meal a day. I hate being up until 4 am and getting up at 8:30. I hate feeling lost, confused, baffled, and pissed off. I hate El Bastard, The Bastard, Petite Bastard - and the rest of the bastards out there that are just too horrible or too boring to name.

I hate thinking.

It never does me any good, doesn't know how to not do harm.

I hate dreaming when you aren't asleep - it's the epitomy of misery.

I hate hating so many things...and being so angry.

And I hate not knowing what to say when I have a million things on my mind and even more on my heart.

I hate being this tired: tired of life, tired of school, tired of trying, tired of waiting, tired of not sleeping, tired of just not getting it.

I am so tired.

... ... ... why? ... ... ...sigh... ... ... but really, why?...

-RK

another sunday

another sunday...Stupid Pet Adoption center orientations!

another weekend's end - beginning gmail...can't remember my password or sign-in name...

another lame reason to not get anything done, another video game -

another life to live through and wish I was done with it all...

another breath full of dread, of angst, or exhaustion.

What am I doing here, anyway?

Sighing jsut because I'm tired - just because I'm sick - just because I am impatient.

another monday on its way...

Oh when will it all end?

-RK

Another night spent staying up too late

Another night spent staying up too late...

Sigh...

Coffee Depot...

Did I accidentaly wear the sexy pants? Did I, without realizing it, put on my 'Please Hit On Me" perfume? Did I have an 'I am SO available' hair-do? WHAT!

I mean Really! Who are you? Why do you want to read my poetry? And why the HELL are you touching me?!

Sorry, I am having another chest seizing up, can't breathe, hurling on myself moment here...sigh...well, at least I am back in the safety of my own private dorm room where weirdos won't use my bible as a lead in or sit far too close to me and stare at my paper, asking "So what are you studying?"

MY GOSH! Is there no shame!?

Oh well, will just have to move on with my existence and pretend like none of that garbage ever happened...

...sigh...

-RK

another day...what am I doing?

Another friday; another day. But what am I doing?

What ought to I be doing instead of what I am? Where ought to I be, what ought to I become?

I feel so confused - so lost; so full of "I don't know"s...

What am I doing, where am I going, what is to become of me?

I wish I knew the answer, and I wish I could see the future clearly from here.

But I know which way I am heading and I can see where it might lead me. So, whatever Your will - it be done. Wherever You want me - put me there without reserve. Whatever You ask of me - ask for all or nothing. Whatever I am to be - make me that without restraint. Cause me to become whole, even if I am scared of walking down the road to get there. Push me, shove me, make me what You always knew I would be!

-RK

Another day - another new day has begun...or at least I am in the midst of it.

So, what will today bring, asks I.

Don't know - can't tell. But all I know is that today will be another day to live, another day to be as alive as I can be. And that is a beautiful thing.

So whatever today has in store, I will be as alive as I can be. And whatever tomorrow has for me - I will wait patiently for it to come.

Today is a day to be alive - don't let it slip by without living it to the fullest. That is all life is about, just living each day and being Alive!

So today, I will be alive for all the reasons for simply just being who I am for the cause of living another day out.

-Rk

Poems, novels, lyrics - all so endlessly demanding. Every moment I pull away - it's just more images, more metaphors, and more chorus's scraping at my brain lobes to torture me. When will they stop?

Heh, some call it a blessing - at times, some of me calls it a curse: the constant nagging, the undying need to write, write, write. If it isn't a poem, it's a snipet of your next full-length novel, or a scene from your first full-length feature film...the list really does go on forever if you try too hard.

Maybe that is it - I try too hard. I try too hard to be a poet, to be an author, to be creative, to be...me?

Well, maybe that isn't it. But I suppose you never know, now do we?

Oh well - back to the poems...

-RK

*sigh* It is going to be one of those nights again tonight - isn't it? Long, endless, tired...all too worthless to care.

But it will pass...this too shall past...

-RK

Life - live - don't give in, don't give up. Just shut up, take the pain - get along.

Keep living.

What, where, when, why? Live, breathe, dance and regain.

Don't give up, don't give in. Just shut your mouth, open your eyes - keep up.

Don't stop living.

...what else is there to say?

-RK

Happy Easter!

If you haven't heard - Christ is risen! That's right, He is alive. And that's good for me, good for you, good for the whole world.

Today is the day to just sit back and realize what God has given you - really think about what God gave and what He did for you. Salvation wasn't cheap, for Him.

Never forget that He loves you enough that He came and died - and beat death by rising. We never have to fear death now, we only look forward to going home to our Daddy!

Have a blessed Easter - if you don't know this God of mine...find Him today!

-RK

**Maker of this mountain, please make another way**

How often have you felt that? How often have we all asked God for that very thing?

"God I am willing to follow - but if it is at all possible, please make another way"

For Abraham, He did. For Christ, He didn't.

But I think that the main point is not that God does or does not make another way. It is the willingness to follow His will in spite of Him *not* making that other way. All too often, we think "I am going to follow and trust you, God" but the qualifier is always, "as long as You make another way for me to follow".

We are never really willing to follow God if in fact He does not make another way for us. Instead, we think that He is just being difficult or not understanding or not listening to what we are saying. Perhaps, if we were more willing to follow Him even when He doesn't make a different way, then maybe we would learn something more about ourselves - and about God.

He loves you - learn to trust Him.

-RK

The owls of the world - we really rock. In the least supply, in the most need. Who would have thought that would be me, little miss INTJ....*sigh* Like we all didn't see THIS one coming.

The name means "bound teacher" or "bound master"...she is an owl - the least likely of all personality types which happen to tend toward college professors...

I think God had this in mind from the first.

I am learning much about myself - who I am; who I always was but just didn't know it.

Why did I swear so many things when I didn't know who I was?

I can't say - but I think this was the way of things before I even thought....even knew it.

It must have been...

God knew all along -

I am just beginning to.

-RK

Due to my current prolific state of mind - I have a few words to share again. Due also to my recent introspective thoughts on who I am and why - I have decided to share with you the meaning of my name:

And I quote: From the Hebrew meaning "bound". She is pretty, unpretentious, smart and well read, with a generous and giving nature. She will succeed in life.

So there you have it - my name means "bound" for all that it is worth [which in this gal's life sure is a lot of everything!]

-RK

So - the world is not as dark as it seems...or maybe the demons have just let a small bit. But at least I feel like I can breathe again. Still not myself yet - but at least I can breathe now, and feel like I'm not drowing.

That is a good thing, right? It just has to be

-RK

Another day, another day. Sometimes you just have to tell yourself that it is just another day. A day to do this and to get that done - and just another day to live in general and to be - well you.

But it isn't always that easy you know. From time to time, you just want everything to be *perfect*. You want life to make sense and you want it to do so - NOW! And you cry and whine and throw your fits and kick and scream and....then you realize that all you are really doing is just wasting your time because what is the point?

No matter how much you scream, kick, cry, whine, bit, yell, throw punches at the world - it isn't going to change. It is just going to sit there with its smug pale grin and laugh at you as you become exhausted and dried out of the passions of life. Then, when it is all said and done and you're all spent - you realize that had you just waited it out...life *would* have gotten better. You just had to learn to sit still and wait for the tide to come in and knock you down so you could get back up again, dust your face off, dry your clothes and figure out that all you have to do is move to be okay.

But instead, most of us do throw out punches at the world and call it all the names we can conjure - because it makes us feel like we have some kind of power in the grand scheme of things. But the thing is - we really don't have any power in the grand scheme of it all. Instead, we are here for a while to get knocked over...but the catch is that we can learn from it. You get hit with a flood, what do you do? Build a dam. You get beat in a fight, what do you do? Learn self-defense, train...gain the knowledge to not fall so hard next time.

See, even though you know the trouble will come again - you don't run from it. You don't make provisions is it should *not* come back. No, you learn and you grow and you make provisions for when the flood does it, you learn skills for when you do get attacked. You grow up and you learn not to put your hand in the fire - even though you still get burned from the world around you. It isn't about stopping the pain or the trials...it is just about learning from the ones before and getting throught the ones to come.

That's life. That is what the race is all about. It isn't about sprinting to the finish line - but lasting through the 50 mile hike. It isn't about gulping down a gallon of water at the rest stop - but having enough to last till the next one comes along. That's what it is that we do here...that's why things aren't okay *NOW*; that's why life is always just a little harder - and that's why we can make it. Because it is all about making it - getting through; and learning from what you and those before you did wrong.
-RK

Tears of the sun - tears of the day fall on us all. We have to choose whether we will cry alone or dry the tears, get up, and face the day that has landed in our hands.

Today, when everything goes wrong and you feel like you can never possibly face another day - what will you do?

I can tell you what I have chosen to do; but I don't think that would tell you what to do.

You have to choose for you - only you can.

So go ahead, make the choice. What will you do when the world crashes down? Who will you run to and what will you run from? Don't let today just slip away - make the choice!
-RK

...oh and Always remember that THEY AIN'T YOUR PINEAPPLES! So go ahead, put them down - walk away - stop staring at them to see who takes them. Just leave the pineapples and Stop planning on pineapple pizza! You will be fine, the pineapples will be fine....life IS fine. So just let them go.

So here we are again and it is the beginning of another three-day weekend (now rather typical for a person of my status, major, gender, habits, etc.) I am certainly beginning to see what the French have going - it is a good thing, let me tell you =0)

But all of that aside, the day went well for being the day it was. I even got in a good April Fools joke. It went a little something like this: We were at the coffee shop and me and Frankie went out back to talk about life issues. Then, as we headed back to the interior I commented on my disappointment in passing the chance for a really good AF (April Fools) joke. Thus, the formation of a plot began to occur. At first I considered saying that someone had brutally hit my car - but that made no sense because why would we leave then?

Then Frankie said, jokingly, "Well we can't tell them that our dorm is on fire." My imediate response was to think *Oh yes we can* I then blurted out, "That's it!"

After a quick formulation - I stormed into the coffee shop and demanded that we had to leave now that there was an emergency. Sparkie said something to the degree of it was good that we were leaving, but then I blurted out. "No, we have to go now. Our dorm is on fire!"

Panic quickly insued as we all trotted out of the coffee shop, through crowds of people as quickly as we possibly could. After arriving at the car, I said. "Ok, you guys I have to tell you something before we get going..." The eager, frightened eyes met mine quietly as I said, "April Fools!"

Then, we had to call the second section of our group that was in another car and tell them via cell. Well, one member of the group was quite distraught by the occurance and in general everyone was duped. It was great! I mean, I though in general I would be received with thoughts of "Is she serious" and "I don't know that I'm so sure about this". Instead, my terror was met with plans of what to do, if the college had insurance, and horrible thoughts of precious possessions burning in the fire. Overall - GREATLY SUCCESSFUL!

Glad to say I don't believe there are any hard feelings. I am glad - because it was all in fn jest with hopefully no real repercussions to cause any due damage. But needless to say, I was indeed quite amused in the end of it all =0)

That is all for now. Must sleep, awake, get things done, get gas for N'digo, pack the things, and GO HOME =0D Until then, sleep well fairly fairy-ish friends of mine.
-RK