On the disputed Philosopher's Stone

OK, now really - what is with this?! Philosopher? Philosopher?!

That doesn't even make any sense! He is a sorcerer, not a philosopher!

Yes, I know - do try and remain calm. But honestly, can someone explain to me why on earth they had to change the title of the first Potter book. I mean, really, what is that all about? Every other country in the world - Philosopher's Stone. America? Sorcerer's Stone

...sigh. I take back the very incorrect statement I made, saying that the book in fact was not called that. It simply is, and I have proof to show for that.

Yes, yes, you can all raise your heads, drop your jaws, and finger me out as the great obssessor. I am - but one can NEVER have too many books; and this was the opportunity of a lifetime.

I now own the British Edition of The Philosopher's Stone and The Order of the Phoenix complete in my overloaded collection of books.

Sigh...if anything needs to stop - it is quite clearly this.

-RK

Is purpose without a destination worthless or worthwhile?

Ah, the familiar whiz, buzz, and plunk of highspeed access! It may be slighly arcaic with dial-up service and AOL haunting the dormatory halls, but at least the library is up to date. LAN - but even better Wi-Fi! So glad am I.

And yet...

The throbbing of many aches still exists under the surface. Many things I haven't done, many things I've had to leave...decisions I hope everyone knows I don't like making...but that can seem so irrelevant, can't it?

I suppose not too many people care why you do something, but simply that you do or do not do it. Most people don't want speeches about ethics, morals, and reasons for actions - they just want to see what you do. Most of the population could care less if you have a purpose - they just want to know that you have an aim, a goal, somewhere you are getting.

And maybe that is my problem. I don't know to where I am getting. I simply have a reason for getting there, for going the way I am going, for taking the road I am choosing. But nobody wants to hear it unless I've got a destination in mind.

Well...I once thought I did. Does that count?

Not much to society, or not even much to most people. So I guess my reasons aren't good enough, I guess my purposes don't add up to what they'd hoped they did, and I guess that makes my time a little obsolete in their eyes. Doesn't it?

But obsolete or not obsolete - it doesn't mean that I'm going to quit now. I do have a purpose, and that does mean something. I have a reason for living, for going the way I'm going - and if that is not enough for the rest of the world, I'm sorry.

But I can't throw all of my dreams, all of my hopes, all of my purposes to the flame without reason...with the reason just because they told me to. I have to stand on what I believe, because if I don't - I'm surely going to fall.

-RK

Some things some of the time

Sometimes, you can just see certain things. I mean in that unclear, uncertain blob of reality that is often the future. Sometimes, when you look through the foggy glass of the present and stare off into the future, you can actually see some of those things coming.

Good, bad, or non-partial - you can see them. But seeing them doesn't make an ounce of difference to what you see...because what time doesn't tell you is that you can't change it. You just have to sit and watch as what you saw comes true.

It is supposed to be this way they tell you, but that doesn't matter. It was meant to... but that doesn't change the course of things. It's better off like... but that doesn't calm the raging sea of emotion, does it?

Seeing things coming is sometimes worse than if they hit you unexpectedly. At least if they hit you out of nowhere, you can't blame yourself. At least you don't have the time to look at the situation over and over and brood on what you could have done if you had just been there at the right time...

But I suppose that is the way time works. It moves forward, whether we do or not.

...Silence I suppose, sometimes, is the best answer. Sometimes, it's the only answer.

Although I must say, I'd wished the future were different than this....

-RK

Time for a bit of honesty...

I'm not as strong, mature, or as dignified as I seem. If you want honesty, I am terrified.

I'm thousands of miles from home. I got a bladder/yeast infection the first day I was here. Today I woke up with my face swollen and little red dots all over. The rest of the day, my face stung everytime I touched it. It hasn't improved and I don't know how to fix it.

School registration is tomorrow. I have no idea who my advisor is or where he/she is even located. I don't know where or how to regsiter, even what I am supposed to be registering for. I have to get a job, but I missed my "appointment" on Friday.

My dad is leaving the day after tomorrow. I know hardly anyone, and I know where nothing on campus is - much less how to get to there. I don't know how classes, mail, visitations, signing in and out, or even how my own phone card works because I'm too worried of doing it wrong.

I only have internet because my dad sat here and worked it all out - but that is gone in two months.

I don't have any money.

I don't even have a desk. I have a busted oval table with two people's junk (mostly mind) piled atop it.

I still have to return a CD player that buzzez. I still have things I have to buy. My jewelry is still in tupperware. I don't even know if a third person is moving into my room.

I don't know where, how, or even when to buy books. Classes start on Thursday - and I don't even know where a bookstore for the school is. I have to attend four worships a week, starting next week I guess. I don't even know when one is.

I can't get anything straight, and things keep going wrong that never even did before. And I know most of you would say, Well, it isn't that difficult. Just grow up.

Well I am trying to. But it isn't easy when you feel...and look like I do right now. It's like there is an elephant on my shoulders and I'm being asked to do the highrise act at the Picadilly Circus!

And right now, it just seems to be piling up and nothing seems to be becoming certain. I have no schedule, no classes, no job - and a room with no enough furniture, too many beds, and a roommate that hasn't shown up.

So if I seem a little confused, a little dense, and a little like bursting into tears at Bambi, I think maybe you can understand.

-RK

Foolish Determination?

Was I wrong? Was I just being a foolish little child to think that my life would work out, that it would all come into view, that everything would be okay?

I just wanted the dream to be real...but everyone thinks I'm wrong. Everyone calls me foolish, and just says that I am blind and foolish. No one understands...and everyone thinks I am wrong.

But I should have expected that. I knew that when I started all of this - when I planned this out - when I told God to do what He would that nobody would understand. I knew that no one would see things the same way as me, and before it was okay. So then why am I now doubting myself? Why am I now so confused, so upset, and wondering what is wrong with me?

My life isn't up to them, is it? My dreams are worth it. My hopes are what I believe in, and if I give those up before I want to - if I give those up for other people, all I will have had will be lost.

So no. I won't give these dreams up. I won't give these hopes up. I won't give in and I won't quit the race.

If God has other plans, He will follow them through despite me. He will show me His way and I will find it eventually. And if that way is not different than this way, then you all were wrong. And if that way is, then I will be the one to pay the price, to carry the cost. And for now, that is my decision.

Whether it be right nor not? Only God in time will tell. And I will not choose otherwise.

-RK

Quick little something

Just a quick update on my current state here: I've gotten connected.

This means logged out of reality, logged in to virtual reality - and I am zooming on my very own Corvette through the sidestreets and freeways and carriageways of cyberspace! AT LAST!

The sigh of such freedom is touching...but still busy, so I can't stay toooooo long...

...*cricket cricket*...ok, ok - a confession: It is really just that I am on Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets - and I just HAVE to get through this one so I can read Prisoner of Azkaban, so I can see the movies and be well on my way to finishing the series thus far.

And no, I am not obsessed...just becoming somewhat of a fanatic. And it doesn't help that I'm living in Hogwarts!

So this was just a quick little blurp to let everyone know that I exist in the privacy of my room once again...but sadly, Potter wins the war for my time ;0)

-RK

Of the First

First class. Cell phone out of service. Garfield and a "Miracle". Teddy bear, salmon, and far too much orange juice. A long plane trip, lots of Harry Potter, and at last, I have arrived!

I don't have an internet connection yet. Whether that is due to mere laziness, a huge lack of time, no mental capcity to figure it out, or the simple inability to do it - I don't. So I am hoping and wishing that this short note will serve as a baanner raised high above the great British-green hills telling you all that I am safe, I am here, and Yes - I am happy!

It has been too many days of painful shopping. Too many days of too much walking. And a dorm room that at first made no sense. I say at first because now that my things are in the thing, it is beginning to at long last look more and more like mine. Not to mention, its problems are character as far as I'm concerned, and will make better stories when I come home than any seventies dorm room with a normal desk and a bathroom that has a shower would make any day. So I've chalked it up to good tales to tell, and I'm settling in.

...sigh...All aside, I love this place. The drizzle that constantly drips down on anything you want to keep dry, the fact that a bird could fly straigh into my window if I don't keep it closed, and the mere idea that my dormatory looks more like Hogwarts than Hogwarts did in the first Potter movie all make everything worth it. So what, I can't connect to the world. So what my printer blew up the second my dad plugged it in. So what my phone code doesn't work in my room. So what my bed lamp doesn't stay up without a bit of plastic bag wrapped around it. It's all worth it...and boy will I have the conversation when I get home.

Good news...well, good probable news. My dad & I talked to the CIS guy - who by the way was in the computer lab ALL DAY LONG - and he said that he is pushing the college to get highspeed internet in the dorms by the end of this semester. I could have laughed, but as usual, I feel that would have been the wrong response. It really is only cuz I know those LSU CIS boys too well. I know how a college CIS team works...and it is not how they'd like it to. I've been hearing about wireless interent for how long?...Oh don't worry, it's all in god fun. But I just know it probably isn't going to happen. But like those CIS fellows - I like to put my eggs in one undersized basket and keep faith in the system of a university! So on that note...Good news! By next semester, at the latest, I will have highspeed internet in the dorm! ... be happy for me...

Well, since I am downstairs in Hogwa...I mean my dorm, I must be going. Other people will come and there is a note that says I get 30 lashes if I'm not off in ten...five...three...now. So there you have it. I quick update with the hopes that I will be sending out that email and writing more. For those of you listening, you had better be taking care of yourselves! I want whole friends when I come back...not to mention how hard it would be to get to that many hospitals in one night! So you all take care, send me an email, and God bless you all in everyway.

I will send out that email when I finally get the chance to get connected...*steams* through AOL. That's right *deadpan* I said AOL. Yes, pity me. Pity me.

...sigh. They had better get that highspeed working....or I may just shoot some poor defenseless AOL member...or corporate worker....sigh. I pray you do understand, Dearest AOL.

And so, until I get to come back to the cyber-circus and dance my act again, you all stay safe and stay in touch! I miss you all; but don't fear, I am having a wonderful time here in the good ol' drizzle country!

God bless everyone back home, and everyone here too!

-RK

Exhaustion setting in...

I just can't go on any longer. All of the boxes and the junk and the clothes and the piles and piles of things I still have to find a place for - the only problem is that I have so many piles of crap that I keep forgetting what is in each pile. Either that or I start on one just for the next one to pile up again. It's so endless...like a vortex full of crap that I can't escape.

I want to escape...escape it all.

Right now I just feel trapped by everything. Whether I really am or not, I can't tell. But history is repeating itself and I don't see any changes. And things everywhere are starting to look like they used to...and it's just killing me.

And on top of all of that, I'm so exhausted. I just have no energy left. I can barely drag myself out of bed to do the things that I dread doing, much less accomplish anything significant...

...sigh. I'm just so tired.

And there isn't time for anyone to significantly care about it...not even me. I just have to keep on going. I just have to keep packing and unpacking and packing and unpacking - all just to pack and unpack again. But I can't stop now. I can't just relax and breathe in deep.

No, instead, I just keep running myself bone dry. And at night? All I do is dream the kind of dreams that make you wake up and you don't really feel like you've rested at all because you're confused or angry or terrified or so unsure how you ought to feel that you just lay there staring at the cieliing, wondering where the ngiht went.

And there is no one to talk to.

Everyone is so busy - just like I am - that there is just no time. No time to tell the world how I'm feeling or that damn it, I'm scared. Or that I'm frustrated about a million and a half things and feel like I can't do a single thing to make any of the better or just go away. And sometimes, I just want to stop and scream at the top of my lungs that things don't look right, or feel right, or are right...but there just isn't time. By the time I think I'm to the top of the mountain so I can start screaming, the mountain moves and I have to clammour up a different one - in vain of course, because by the time I get there, it will just be another mountain to climb. And so I get stuck climbing all the mountains and have no time to scream.

Well, all I want to do is scream.

I don't want to talk, or cry, or figure anything out. I don't want to keep trucking or get it all finished. I don't want to make lists of all the millions and millions of things I still have to do. I don't want to make it better.

I just want to scream.

But the only scream I can hear in the one on the inside that is begging me to just get away from all of this for two seconds so I can clear my head. But the problem is that no matter where I go, there is no air clean enough, no breath deep enought to clear my mind, to sweep up my thoughts, to make all my turmoil just drift off on the next cool breeze.

Why?

Because everywhere I turn there is one more store to get to, one more pair of this that I need, or one more thing on the list that I have to do. Everytime I turn around, there is one more pile of crap to move, one more box to unpack, one more shelf to clear off, one more drawer to fill. And no matter how hard I work at it, the piles never go down, the boxes are never unpacked, the shelves are never clear, and the drawers are always too full to do anything else about them.

And so, it just continues...the piles, the boxes, and the endless loads of junk that I have to get rid of or put away or throw out. And it doesn't matter how many loads we get rid of, how many trash cans I fill, how many things I shove into the bulging corners of my room.

It's just never done.

...sigh...I guess I sort of feel that way about my heart right now too. Like it's full of old boxes and new boxes and endless piles and piles of crap that I don't know what to do with. Like I have five hundred lifetimes all shoved into one tiny space and no matter what I do...

It just never gets better. Just like my room.

And it's just like the hallway. It doesn't matter how many people and how many times we clear it out, it just fills up again with more piles of things to do other things with. And it doesn't matter if it was clean when the day started, by the end of the day - it will just be the same as it was yesterday. And it doesn't matter how wodnerfully sparkling my closet it the night before, in the morning - it'll just be the same old delimna over and over and over and over again...

until I either surrender, burn it all, and throw my hands up; Or until I just walk away from it and declare it done.

...it's too much like my life...

...it's too much like the future or the past or the hellish present that I feel so stuck in...

...it's just too much like it.

So much like it, in fact, that I can't do anything about it.

-RK

Farewell Rivertucky

One long backwards glance; lunch and a conversation I never thought I would have when we didn't have the time to have it. Swimsuit, chicken pasta all over my dress, and crying over the thought of being gone. Laying roses in napkin bags, packing up my post-it notes from over two years of employment at one place...the longest I've ever worked anywhere in my life. Hugs, emails, promises of keeping in touch. Cards and people telling how much you mean to them. Spiced Rum that really isn't rum at all with too much ice. "But hey," you think, "it's an Italian Soda."

Realizing soon you may be drinking soda in Italy with no ice instead. Realizing soon it might be snowing where you are, half the world away from where you are now. Realizing that this really is your last day - that you won't have your co-workers and your office to come back to on Monday. And realizing that this might be the last time you ever see some of the people who have so easily become a part of your life everyday. Realizing that so easily it is all just passing away.

Saying goodbye wasn't easy.

It wasn't easy, but I did it. It had to be done. It was time. Time to say goodbye to my job, to my room, to having two places to live where you can come home any time you need something or just need a hug from mom and dad. And it isn't easy realizing that soon, they won't be able to drive down and fix everything when you don't know what to do. It isn't easy discovering that soon, you'll be on your own in a whole new world with all new people and nobody who knows where you came from or what you are about.

...sigh.

They will soon figure it out though. You will soon realizing that the world isn't as big as it seems and that you are going to have a wonderful time in a whole new world, away from all of the comforts you have grown so accustom to. Soon, emails and letters will be how you will hear from home. And soon, Nokia will no longer spite you with the messages "No Service". And soon, you will be getting up in the morning, yawning and stretching and facing a new day - but not just a new day, a new page; a new chapter; a new era in your life.

When you return, you will not be the same. Hmm. Or maybe you will be.

But either way, that will be up to you. You will have the chance to be who you choose to be without people looking at you and saying, "Oh that's just her." Instead, they will wonder who you are and what you think and why you are the way you appear to be. But don't be afraid - growing and being alone is all part of the process...

part of the process I have been living in for so long now - part of the process of making me a woman.

...sigh. It is a long transformation, but at some point, I have to make it. Some day, I have to learn to support myself and stand on my own two feet. Because people won't make decisions for me forever. And people won't take care of me forever. Some day, I will have to take care of me. Some day, I will have to stand accountable for me and only me - and I will have to stand all alone. I will not be able to call up mommy and daddy to fix everything. I won't be able to look to my friends. I will have to stand alone...

as me.

And so, I better know who me is by that point or else - I'll fall.

And I don't want to fall when I am the only one to be there to pick me back up again. I don't want to fail when I am the only one watching...

...I don't want to fail when God is the only one watching.

I want to be faithful and courageous. I want to prove to the world that I am someone and I can do it.

I want to prove that to myself.

And so, I am going. I am preparing - and I am going to leave. Not for good, but for a while.

And when I come back, I will not be the same me you see now.

But I will be me, and I will be back....

But first, I have to get to know that me that I am still trying to become.

And so, I am going...soon.

-RK

While I was still cynical

Here, where it is cold, but familiar; here we sit and wonder about a future that is filled with dark unknown. So how, how can we just sit here and talk and ponder over where we will go from here? Where can we go? And how can we ever know...

until we're gone?

So many thoughts, all disconnected - all disorganized. Fear crouching like a hidden beast stalking my soul. Trembling from the inside out - wondering what the future brings and how long it will be until me heart has to break again...

Wishes full of uncertainty and hopes full of doubt. But still, I'm standing here...

aren't I?

I'm still before the dreams, still before the nightmares - still and unmoving, quivering like a scared kitten on the inside - but not wanting to let them know. Believing if I stand still long enough, maybe they'll buy what I've been saying; maybe they'll hear what I've been explaining.
But I fear they won't.

Maybe it isn't them - it's me. Maybe I'm the one who can't see...maybe I'm the one whose making the mistakes...

...mistakes I'm convinced I have to make.

But nobody expects me to screw it up. Nobody expects me to be wrong. Everyone expects the best from me, the right answers, the clearest thoughts, and the ability to pass all the tests.

But sometimes, we all fail. Sometimes, we have to be allowed to.

But no one believes I can. No one believes that I'll make the big mistakes and screw up my life too. And nobody believes that they'd ever have to be there, ever have to help redeem me, ever have to help me find my way...

...because no one expects me to be lost.

Some people are allowed to be lost.

Not me.

-RK

complicated thoughts

If my breath still warms you,
why are you shivering from the cold?
If my heart is still close enough to you,
why do you complain there is nothing,
nothing for you to hold?

And if you were wondering -
don't worry.
I'm still searching...
though I not exactly sure what I'm searching for.
But if then when I find it -
I'll be sure to let you know.

See, sometimes
the words just aren't there.
And sometimes
I don't have all the right answers
and I don't have all the right questions
and I don't know what to say
to make you stop crying
or to make you feel better...
or to make you understand.
Sometimes,
I just want to run away,
and sometimes
all I want to do is come home.

But I can't run forever
and I can't keep leaving this place to return here
again and again.

Someday I'll wake up
and I won't be here anymore.
Maybe you'll see the same.
Maybe you won't.

I know if I ever get away from here
I'm never coming back.
But I still doubt if I'll ever get that far away.

I just feel too candid...too rampant.
Words spilling over from a soul tattered with darkness;
Filled with canker and cancer,
pouring from rabid wounds grey with infection,
still with the impending death.

Is there any hope for me?
Can there be redeption,
even when I am so far away...?
Or will it leave me again;
all my life just passing like a vapor from the air.

Death dwells here.
So don't come too close...
you may just grow cold;
cold like before.
And don't go too far,
you may lose your way -
so lost like before.

I want to rescue you.
I want to save you.
I want to keep you...
but it isn't enough.
I am not enough...
not enough alone to redeem you.

So instead I'm running,
running from your eyes, from your arms -
from an embrace I fear asks far too much,
too much of a girl whose gone wrong.
Cuz sick as I am,
I can't seem to see what's wrong.
And dead as I am,
I can't seem to feel myself slipping away.

So maybe you'd better go
before things start falling apart.
Cuz I won't hold together,
and I can't stay glued forever...
and I won't ever remember
what I've lost in you...
unless you go -
Go and save yourself from me.

-RK

Of today & yesterday...Maybe even tomorrow

I would be sleeping if I didn't have so many things to think about. I need sleep almost desperately, but my head is spinning with all of the things I should have said or never thought of or will never do again...and sleep somehow becomes irrelevant in the muddle of my confusions. Yet I feel as though I should be alseep, should be at rest, should remember what peace felt like...but I'm afraid I won't.

I remembered today what happened years ago, and for a while I was glad - and sad. Now I'm just the same that I was before...before I remembered that the world used to be held up by some kind of pillars, some kind of walls. Now there's nothing...just like before.

...sigh.

If all of this were easy, what would I be doing here? If I knew how I felt, why would I have to talk about it? If people understood what I'm going through, why would I have to explain myself time and time again?

I wish it were like that...

...I wish someone would tell me I'm worth it...so maybe I won't forget.

But maybe I wouldn't believe them, or maybe I wouldn't be listening...

...but then again, maybe I would.

Life feels like it just repeats itself - no matter where you start or how far ahead of yourself you think you are, you really just end up back at the same place you were before you left. It's like they say, history repeats itself...because we don't learn from our mistakes; because we don't see what it is that we're doing wrong, so we never fix it - never change it. And so after so long of trying something we think is new - we just go back over the same footprints in the same old sand. It's the footprints the original humans left for us - the footprints of selfishness, lust, sick desire, dishonesty, and lack of trust. It's the footprints straight through the endless Hadarac Desert of sinking sand. Sadly, though, none of us ever seem to make it far enough in to find someone for help; but we're all too far in to go back out.

And so we drown in our own pools of quick sand, struggling to get away as the trap drags us further and further in. But we're so afraid of dying, so afraid of losing and being the fool that we just keep fighting, just keep struggling, and just keep sinking lower and lower into the pit.

I wish I wasn't stuck in quick sand, my eyelids half closed from exhaustion, half from disbelief and lack of trust. But why should I trust anyone when I've been sinking for so long...trust those that come to point and stare or come to laugh or just walk righ by without a hand to help me...why should I trust them?

...sigh.

Sometimes, I just want things to be less complicated. I wish I knew how to be shallow so that I could just take what I get and not have to question it, not have to test it...not have to know it through and through. It would be so much simpler if I could just have blind faith and shallow hope and dispensible trust. I wish that it were that simple for me...

But my problem is I want more than that. I'm too deep to swim in the shallow end of a pool - I have to swim in the ocean, waves crashing over my head and sprawling the length of my body in the sun atop a world of blue. And I'm too cynical to walk on the clear path - I have to plunge out into the forest on my own, searching for an signs that I'm headed the right way when the trail signs can no longer be seen; the forest's heart beating like a wild animal all around me. And I'm too spirited to dance by the steps - I have to spin around to my own beat, swinging my hips and floating in circles around a living dance floor with the music throbbing in my veins. And I'm too obstinant to just play by the rules - I have to prod and push the limits until they are near breaking point, stretching everything that I can until I know how much of me it can hold.

But you see, that really is just the problem. I can't sit pretty on a store counter and I don't know how to be on display. My entire being screams at me not to settle, not to give up, not to throw out dreams that I dreamt up as a child - or dreams that I'm still dreaming up

...but sometimes, I think I want too much.

Because it isn't perfection that I'm looking for - it's the ability to be fully me, and to be accepted. That asks a lot because when I'm me, I'm cynical and scared. And when I'm me, I'm happy and sad, electrifing and terrifying. And when I'm me, I'm wild and calm, shouting and silent. And I'm not going to sit still because it isn't important...everything is important. And everything has to be just right...

And I know that is a lot to ask. Because deep down, I'm not as carefree and I'm not as simple as I look. I may come across as a shimmering trickle of water, but trust me, you might find that I'm a coursing river that you might just fall in to. And I may act like I'm shallow - but don't come in too close...because you may discover just how deep my waters run.

So if you aren't looking for deep waters - be careful, because I'm sure that you are going to drown. And forgive me if you thought you'd pass right over me. Becuase you just might get trapped in the cool waters, running rampant over your head.

But struggle hard enough, and I'm sure you'll soon find you're way out. Or drift deep enough, and I know you'll find the depth of this river.

-RK

The knowing and not-knowing

There's no life away from You...there's no joy away from You...there's no peace away from You...

I'd be reading right now...but I'm too busy thinking.

...bought things today. It was alright, but I was alone. Most things would be alright, but I'm alone.

I'm beginning to wake up, or maybe just beginning to see...I'm growing up, and that really scares me. I just want to do what I want to do, but I can't do that anymore. I want to play and laugh and not stare at walls in solemn silence because the world is falling to pieces.

The world has been falling to pieces all my life, so why do I care now?

Maybe because the world within is falling too...that makes everything feel worse, everything look worse, everyone appear worse. Or maybe it's just another one of those bad days, where you get all mixed up between who you were and who you thought you ought to be only to come out the other side and realize you were never either, nor do you plan on being thus.

...sigh...

It gets darker from here I think...darker because I'll be alone.

...but nobody can save me from it now...

I'll have to live. I'll have to because I have to know...know if it was really worth it...any of it - life, truth, going this far for what you thought you want, giving it all for something you believe in...someone you believed in - just the all of it.

...sigh...

and maybe even one day, I'll know.

Maybe.

-RK

Thoughts about anything

I had a dream about Fanta without sugar. And I wore a fuzzy teddy bear backpack that didn't really fit all to well.

I woke up sweaty and half alive. My throat is still hurting, but at least the heartburn is gone. Thanks to hotdogs and water at 1 am - and the friend whose there when he needs to be.

...

I won't ever escape it. Unless I do...then I will never come back to it.

*sigh*

Reading has caused a huge influx of writing. It's a constant juggle between the stories I create and those I simply get lost in. And it's a struggle rather to invent or marvel; whether to create or admire. I want to do both at the same time, have enough time to do it all...

But I just don't.

I think I'm getting sick. But I've always been sick...we're all sick somewhere. Aren't we?

But there's a way to get better...problem is most people don't find the cure and those that have are too scared to share it, too scared that it'll spill.

My fish tank is still full of water, and when I look at it I can almost see my fish swimming around. Like he's still there...I get far too attached to things.

I hold on to tight and let go too late. *sigh*

Life should not be this difficult, this painful, this conveluded and abstractly distracting...but it is.

And I fear it will always be.

I hope my dreams come true. I hope I'm not only dreaming. I hope I find what I'm looking for. Either way, the future will become clear when it becomes the present, which is every second.

*sigh* I just have to wait...

-RK

Loss...

If I wasn't in this mood, I'd be writing about the fair...but I am, so I don't know what to write about.

My fish, Ping, died. I'd write an elegy, a eulegy, something - but I feel too sick to do anything more than just stare into the darkness.

His death made me see something - something I hadn't seen before. Life cannot be trusted. The future is uncertain and every moment life just slips away a little more. We live and we expect to live tomorrow, but we never know who won't make it that far. And we think we have a plan, but we don't. And we think we're ready for the unthinkable, but we aren't. We're just sitting around waiting for death to come and steal something, someone else.

Life is so uncertain. Any moment could be your last, or the last one you ever felt happy again. Any moment you could lose all you worked for - any moment the ground can fall out from under your feet...

and it's all because of death. Because death still has power over us, even if we know the outcome. Saddness still reigns dominion over the earth and sorrow still floods the valleys of desertion. Pain and agony still pour from the sky like a hurricane rain, and despair still knocks at the door, constanly waiting to be let in.

Because no matter who you are or where you live or what you have in life, you always lose. You lose life, you lose love, you lose your dreams in the mire of life...whatever it is. We all lose. And loss stirs memories and causes them to burn like fire searing tender flesh; because once you have lost - you can never regain what is gone.

You can fill the void with something else, but you can never replace the lost. It is too valuable, too cherished, and too unique to ever replace. You can only stuff bits of puzzle pieces into holes they will never really fit into. You can try to cover over the holes or you can dress them up and make them glamourous - but you can never rid yourself of them.

Time can close the holes a little - but there is always a scar, always a hole under the tissue where time has healed. Because once you have lost, you cannot go back, you cannot undo time - you cannot get back what went away.

So where does that leave us? Groping for some desperate hope or hiding away from the loss that is inevitable? And what about temporary loss? What if you misplace a part of you, but find it later? What if you never do? What if...

what if you lose everything?

Sometimes, it feels like I already have. Like I have nothing left to lose...I pray to God that I am wrong.

-RK