complicated thoughts

If my breath still warms you,
why are you shivering from the cold?
If my heart is still close enough to you,
why do you complain there is nothing,
nothing for you to hold?

And if you were wondering -
don't worry.
I'm still searching...
though I not exactly sure what I'm searching for.
But if then when I find it -
I'll be sure to let you know.

See, sometimes
the words just aren't there.
And sometimes
I don't have all the right answers
and I don't have all the right questions
and I don't know what to say
to make you stop crying
or to make you feel better...
or to make you understand.
Sometimes,
I just want to run away,
and sometimes
all I want to do is come home.

But I can't run forever
and I can't keep leaving this place to return here
again and again.

Someday I'll wake up
and I won't be here anymore.
Maybe you'll see the same.
Maybe you won't.

I know if I ever get away from here
I'm never coming back.
But I still doubt if I'll ever get that far away.

I just feel too candid...too rampant.
Words spilling over from a soul tattered with darkness;
Filled with canker and cancer,
pouring from rabid wounds grey with infection,
still with the impending death.

Is there any hope for me?
Can there be redeption,
even when I am so far away...?
Or will it leave me again;
all my life just passing like a vapor from the air.

Death dwells here.
So don't come too close...
you may just grow cold;
cold like before.
And don't go too far,
you may lose your way -
so lost like before.

I want to rescue you.
I want to save you.
I want to keep you...
but it isn't enough.
I am not enough...
not enough alone to redeem you.

So instead I'm running,
running from your eyes, from your arms -
from an embrace I fear asks far too much,
too much of a girl whose gone wrong.
Cuz sick as I am,
I can't seem to see what's wrong.
And dead as I am,
I can't seem to feel myself slipping away.

So maybe you'd better go
before things start falling apart.
Cuz I won't hold together,
and I can't stay glued forever...
and I won't ever remember
what I've lost in you...
unless you go -
Go and save yourself from me.

-RK