Of today & yesterday...Maybe even tomorrow
I would be sleeping if I didn't have so many things to think about. I need sleep almost desperately, but my head is spinning with all of the things I should have said or never thought of or will never do again...and sleep somehow becomes irrelevant in the muddle of my confusions. Yet I feel as though I should be alseep, should be at rest, should remember what peace felt like...but I'm afraid I won't.
I remembered today what happened years ago, and for a while I was glad - and sad. Now I'm just the same that I was before...before I remembered that the world used to be held up by some kind of pillars, some kind of walls. Now there's nothing...just like before.
...sigh.
If all of this were easy, what would I be doing here? If I knew how I felt, why would I have to talk about it? If people understood what I'm going through, why would I have to explain myself time and time again?
I wish it were like that...
...I wish someone would tell me I'm worth it...so maybe I won't forget.
But maybe I wouldn't believe them, or maybe I wouldn't be listening...
...but then again, maybe I would.
Life feels like it just repeats itself - no matter where you start or how far ahead of yourself you think you are, you really just end up back at the same place you were before you left. It's like they say, history repeats itself...because we don't learn from our mistakes; because we don't see what it is that we're doing wrong, so we never fix it - never change it. And so after so long of trying something we think is new - we just go back over the same footprints in the same old sand. It's the footprints the original humans left for us - the footprints of selfishness, lust, sick desire, dishonesty, and lack of trust. It's the footprints straight through the endless Hadarac Desert of sinking sand. Sadly, though, none of us ever seem to make it far enough in to find someone for help; but we're all too far in to go back out.
And so we drown in our own pools of quick sand, struggling to get away as the trap drags us further and further in. But we're so afraid of dying, so afraid of losing and being the fool that we just keep fighting, just keep struggling, and just keep sinking lower and lower into the pit.
I wish I wasn't stuck in quick sand, my eyelids half closed from exhaustion, half from disbelief and lack of trust. But why should I trust anyone when I've been sinking for so long...trust those that come to point and stare or come to laugh or just walk righ by without a hand to help me...why should I trust them?
...sigh.
Sometimes, I just want things to be less complicated. I wish I knew how to be shallow so that I could just take what I get and not have to question it, not have to test it...not have to know it through and through. It would be so much simpler if I could just have blind faith and shallow hope and dispensible trust. I wish that it were that simple for me...
But my problem is I want more than that. I'm too deep to swim in the shallow end of a pool - I have to swim in the ocean, waves crashing over my head and sprawling the length of my body in the sun atop a world of blue. And I'm too cynical to walk on the clear path - I have to plunge out into the forest on my own, searching for an signs that I'm headed the right way when the trail signs can no longer be seen; the forest's heart beating like a wild animal all around me. And I'm too spirited to dance by the steps - I have to spin around to my own beat, swinging my hips and floating in circles around a living dance floor with the music throbbing in my veins. And I'm too obstinant to just play by the rules - I have to prod and push the limits until they are near breaking point, stretching everything that I can until I know how much of me it can hold.
But you see, that really is just the problem. I can't sit pretty on a store counter and I don't know how to be on display. My entire being screams at me not to settle, not to give up, not to throw out dreams that I dreamt up as a child - or dreams that I'm still dreaming up
...but sometimes, I think I want too much.
Because it isn't perfection that I'm looking for - it's the ability to be fully me, and to be accepted. That asks a lot because when I'm me, I'm cynical and scared. And when I'm me, I'm happy and sad, electrifing and terrifying. And when I'm me, I'm wild and calm, shouting and silent. And I'm not going to sit still because it isn't important...everything is important. And everything has to be just right...
And I know that is a lot to ask. Because deep down, I'm not as carefree and I'm not as simple as I look. I may come across as a shimmering trickle of water, but trust me, you might find that I'm a coursing river that you might just fall in to. And I may act like I'm shallow - but don't come in too close...because you may discover just how deep my waters run.
So if you aren't looking for deep waters - be careful, because I'm sure that you are going to drown. And forgive me if you thought you'd pass right over me. Becuase you just might get trapped in the cool waters, running rampant over your head.
But struggle hard enough, and I'm sure you'll soon find you're way out. Or drift deep enough, and I know you'll find the depth of this river.
-RK
I remembered today what happened years ago, and for a while I was glad - and sad. Now I'm just the same that I was before...before I remembered that the world used to be held up by some kind of pillars, some kind of walls. Now there's nothing...just like before.
...sigh.
If all of this were easy, what would I be doing here? If I knew how I felt, why would I have to talk about it? If people understood what I'm going through, why would I have to explain myself time and time again?
I wish it were like that...
...I wish someone would tell me I'm worth it...so maybe I won't forget.
But maybe I wouldn't believe them, or maybe I wouldn't be listening...
...but then again, maybe I would.
Life feels like it just repeats itself - no matter where you start or how far ahead of yourself you think you are, you really just end up back at the same place you were before you left. It's like they say, history repeats itself...because we don't learn from our mistakes; because we don't see what it is that we're doing wrong, so we never fix it - never change it. And so after so long of trying something we think is new - we just go back over the same footprints in the same old sand. It's the footprints the original humans left for us - the footprints of selfishness, lust, sick desire, dishonesty, and lack of trust. It's the footprints straight through the endless Hadarac Desert of sinking sand. Sadly, though, none of us ever seem to make it far enough in to find someone for help; but we're all too far in to go back out.
And so we drown in our own pools of quick sand, struggling to get away as the trap drags us further and further in. But we're so afraid of dying, so afraid of losing and being the fool that we just keep fighting, just keep struggling, and just keep sinking lower and lower into the pit.
I wish I wasn't stuck in quick sand, my eyelids half closed from exhaustion, half from disbelief and lack of trust. But why should I trust anyone when I've been sinking for so long...trust those that come to point and stare or come to laugh or just walk righ by without a hand to help me...why should I trust them?
...sigh.
Sometimes, I just want things to be less complicated. I wish I knew how to be shallow so that I could just take what I get and not have to question it, not have to test it...not have to know it through and through. It would be so much simpler if I could just have blind faith and shallow hope and dispensible trust. I wish that it were that simple for me...
But my problem is I want more than that. I'm too deep to swim in the shallow end of a pool - I have to swim in the ocean, waves crashing over my head and sprawling the length of my body in the sun atop a world of blue. And I'm too cynical to walk on the clear path - I have to plunge out into the forest on my own, searching for an signs that I'm headed the right way when the trail signs can no longer be seen; the forest's heart beating like a wild animal all around me. And I'm too spirited to dance by the steps - I have to spin around to my own beat, swinging my hips and floating in circles around a living dance floor with the music throbbing in my veins. And I'm too obstinant to just play by the rules - I have to prod and push the limits until they are near breaking point, stretching everything that I can until I know how much of me it can hold.
But you see, that really is just the problem. I can't sit pretty on a store counter and I don't know how to be on display. My entire being screams at me not to settle, not to give up, not to throw out dreams that I dreamt up as a child - or dreams that I'm still dreaming up
...but sometimes, I think I want too much.
Because it isn't perfection that I'm looking for - it's the ability to be fully me, and to be accepted. That asks a lot because when I'm me, I'm cynical and scared. And when I'm me, I'm happy and sad, electrifing and terrifying. And when I'm me, I'm wild and calm, shouting and silent. And I'm not going to sit still because it isn't important...everything is important. And everything has to be just right...
And I know that is a lot to ask. Because deep down, I'm not as carefree and I'm not as simple as I look. I may come across as a shimmering trickle of water, but trust me, you might find that I'm a coursing river that you might just fall in to. And I may act like I'm shallow - but don't come in too close...because you may discover just how deep my waters run.
So if you aren't looking for deep waters - be careful, because I'm sure that you are going to drown. And forgive me if you thought you'd pass right over me. Becuase you just might get trapped in the cool waters, running rampant over your head.
But struggle hard enough, and I'm sure you'll soon find you're way out. Or drift deep enough, and I know you'll find the depth of this river.
-RK
3 Thought(s):
apathy calls sweetly, doesn't she?
but we have to keep swimming, keep trying to trust, to have faith, to keep diiving to find the deepths or else all meaning is lost
One can tread water but not indefinately. Only the fish were made to swim in the deep end forever. You were made to come back from the deep oceans of life and tell of what you caught. So, what did you catch?
~Hidden Nook~
A question I'm afraid of answering half the time - other times, I'm screaming it from the mountain tops...but even then - my soul draws me to stretch all that I think I know, even to the point of tossing back that which I have found...just to see if it will swim back.
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