While I was still cynical

Here, where it is cold, but familiar; here we sit and wonder about a future that is filled with dark unknown. So how, how can we just sit here and talk and ponder over where we will go from here? Where can we go? And how can we ever know...

until we're gone?

So many thoughts, all disconnected - all disorganized. Fear crouching like a hidden beast stalking my soul. Trembling from the inside out - wondering what the future brings and how long it will be until me heart has to break again...

Wishes full of uncertainty and hopes full of doubt. But still, I'm standing here...

aren't I?

I'm still before the dreams, still before the nightmares - still and unmoving, quivering like a scared kitten on the inside - but not wanting to let them know. Believing if I stand still long enough, maybe they'll buy what I've been saying; maybe they'll hear what I've been explaining.
But I fear they won't.

Maybe it isn't them - it's me. Maybe I'm the one who can't see...maybe I'm the one whose making the mistakes...

...mistakes I'm convinced I have to make.

But nobody expects me to screw it up. Nobody expects me to be wrong. Everyone expects the best from me, the right answers, the clearest thoughts, and the ability to pass all the tests.

But sometimes, we all fail. Sometimes, we have to be allowed to.

But no one believes I can. No one believes that I'll make the big mistakes and screw up my life too. And nobody believes that they'd ever have to be there, ever have to help redeem me, ever have to help me find my way...

...because no one expects me to be lost.

Some people are allowed to be lost.

Not me.

-RK