Waking me up

I don't want to live my entire life in the silences. I don't want to disappear, forever. I don't want to be so far forgotten that I might as well have never existed. I don't want to live my life under stifled breath and bated hope - forever.

I want to be able to be happy again. I want to be able to smile again. I want to feel the warmth of the sun on my face again. I want to feel life flowing through me again. Without the cold wind blowing through my bones. Without the deep stillness echoing everywhere I go. Without the depth of nothing breaking through the light I see and showing me hoeplessness once again.

I want to dream without waking to nightmares. I want to laugh without telling myself to remember that I'm sad. I want to sing without being scared. I want to live without being dead.

I guess at some level, life doesn't really care what you want, does it? But I don't care about life - so I'm going to want what I want anyway. If that means falling down throught the depths of disappointment - so be it. If dreaming means that I have to stay asleep, I'm willing. Because sleeping in peace and dreams is better than living with Satan, drinking Pina Coladas. Yes, I'd rather dream than be miserable one day longer- so don't wake me up.

If I'm wrong, I guess I'll figure it out. But for now, I want to dream, so just let me sleep...

Sleeping, where the peace is. Sleeping, where the light lives. Sleeping, where I can stop feeling for just one second. Sleeping...where I don't have to admit that I'm scared, where I don't have to admit that I am.

*soigh* Maybe I just want to sleep. Sleep from one morning to the next, from one day through until a new one starts. Sleep until the Lord comes back...sleep in peace. But I know one day I have to awake. Yet when I do, I don't want to wake to silence.

I don't want to wake to empty eyes and a life full of nothing. I don't want to wake to a mirror full of regrets and ache. I don't want to awake to more death, more pain, and more endings. I don't want to wake to more of this life, more of this stillness, more of this never moving - never growing - never changing - never becoming...

I don't want to wake to me anymore. Make me wake to someone else. Let me see in the mirror eyes that have some color behind them, a life that has some passion behind it, a dream that has some purpose behind it, a girl whose got some life behind her.

Becuase if I have to wake to me, here, again - I would rather not wake. If I have to wake to this place and these eyes and this same old empty expression on my face - I would rather just sleep forever. So don't wake me up unless you'll bring me back to life. Don't stir me unless you'll unsettle me. Don't move me until you'll carry me away.

And don't make me get up unless you have plans - plans to permanently change my life.

-RK