but I wished...
Wish I had something more to say, but I really don't.
I see that this tenth hour is not through yet - and yet I wish it would fall into the eleventh.
...sigh...
it just hasn't.
Coming, coming; closer, closer; almost here, on the edge of my doorway; pacing, pacing - running, stumbling...
Why is it still so far away? and how long am I going to have to wait?
...sigh...
I guess if this is Abraham, I have to get to the mountain top with my hand above my head, ready but not steady at all. I have to wait before I can know what God is really doing here.
And I guess if the mountain were smooth - I could never climb it, never climb high enough - not to find You...or what You really meant by all of this.
I have to let the house burn and my children pass, and my world to be lost - then I can hear God tell me what His plan was all along. Or maybe just tell me that I will never understand, never comprehend.
That's all I have to do - and yet it is so hard to just wait...
waiting...
still waiting God...
yes, I know. I'm still just waiting...
...sigh...
How I wish life would come to fruition already. How I wish I weren't twenty anymore. How I wish...
wish and dream...
it's just what I do best.
but this waiting thing - this is diffifult.
...sigh.
but I am waiting.
waiting for love, waiting for life, waiting for fruition, waiting for hope, waiting for dreams, waiting to fall alseep, waiting to awake.
oh how I wish You had given me the answers. Oh how I wish you still would...
but You aren't going to, are You?
sigh...of course not.
Then I wouldn't fight, then I couldn't stand - then I would become nothing falling deeper into the greyness, the void - not becoming a shining star - but one that almost refuses to burn out yet.
I don't want to be a half-lit star, God.
I want to hear You, touch You, feel You.
I want You...You and that's it.
I wish sometimes I wasn't human, so I didn't want anything else. I wish sometimes that I wasn't here on earth, so I didn't see anything else. I wish sometimes that I was with You - so You were all I ever knew, ever felt, ever loved, ever wanted, ever held.
But that isn't life, and I am a human - and I loved many things...but above them all, I loved You - I still do.
God, I wish it were that simple. Just loving You, only You - and being content.
sigh...but it isn't.
I have a hole You built in me - one that I can't quite figure out how to fill. But I know You have the prescription to cure my disease down here. I just have to wait for my appointment with You - I just have to wait for the diagnosis, so I can know which cure is right.
God, don't let me be so anxious. Living life isn't easy - but if I only worry about tomorrow, I'm not really living life at all.
Don't let me pretend to live, all the while dying a little more each day.
God, hold me - I need You. God, hold me - I want You.
You...only You.
But my humanness gets in the way - and I think I need more; think I want something else.
God, keep me content in You. You are all I ever needed, ever wanted. I just didn't know it yet.
Let me know it now - You are all that can get me through this valley, through this land.
Keep me warm, keep me safe. Keep me knowing what Love still is. Knowing that You are it.
God, protect me from myself - from this place, and from these demons.
I want to want You only. I want to need You alone. Please, teach me. Teach me how to be happy, how to breathe with You, how to know; how to know You.
....how to Really know You.
-RK
I see that this tenth hour is not through yet - and yet I wish it would fall into the eleventh.
...sigh...
it just hasn't.
Coming, coming; closer, closer; almost here, on the edge of my doorway; pacing, pacing - running, stumbling...
Why is it still so far away? and how long am I going to have to wait?
...sigh...
I guess if this is Abraham, I have to get to the mountain top with my hand above my head, ready but not steady at all. I have to wait before I can know what God is really doing here.
And I guess if the mountain were smooth - I could never climb it, never climb high enough - not to find You...or what You really meant by all of this.
I have to let the house burn and my children pass, and my world to be lost - then I can hear God tell me what His plan was all along. Or maybe just tell me that I will never understand, never comprehend.
That's all I have to do - and yet it is so hard to just wait...
waiting...
still waiting God...
yes, I know. I'm still just waiting...
...sigh...
How I wish life would come to fruition already. How I wish I weren't twenty anymore. How I wish...
wish and dream...
it's just what I do best.
but this waiting thing - this is diffifult.
...sigh.
but I am waiting.
waiting for love, waiting for life, waiting for fruition, waiting for hope, waiting for dreams, waiting to fall alseep, waiting to awake.
oh how I wish You had given me the answers. Oh how I wish you still would...
but You aren't going to, are You?
sigh...of course not.
Then I wouldn't fight, then I couldn't stand - then I would become nothing falling deeper into the greyness, the void - not becoming a shining star - but one that almost refuses to burn out yet.
I don't want to be a half-lit star, God.
I want to hear You, touch You, feel You.
I want You...You and that's it.
I wish sometimes I wasn't human, so I didn't want anything else. I wish sometimes that I wasn't here on earth, so I didn't see anything else. I wish sometimes that I was with You - so You were all I ever knew, ever felt, ever loved, ever wanted, ever held.
But that isn't life, and I am a human - and I loved many things...but above them all, I loved You - I still do.
God, I wish it were that simple. Just loving You, only You - and being content.
sigh...but it isn't.
I have a hole You built in me - one that I can't quite figure out how to fill. But I know You have the prescription to cure my disease down here. I just have to wait for my appointment with You - I just have to wait for the diagnosis, so I can know which cure is right.
God, don't let me be so anxious. Living life isn't easy - but if I only worry about tomorrow, I'm not really living life at all.
Don't let me pretend to live, all the while dying a little more each day.
God, hold me - I need You. God, hold me - I want You.
You...only You.
But my humanness gets in the way - and I think I need more; think I want something else.
God, keep me content in You. You are all I ever needed, ever wanted. I just didn't know it yet.
Let me know it now - You are all that can get me through this valley, through this land.
Keep me warm, keep me safe. Keep me knowing what Love still is. Knowing that You are it.
God, protect me from myself - from this place, and from these demons.
I want to want You only. I want to need You alone. Please, teach me. Teach me how to be happy, how to breathe with You, how to know; how to know You.
....how to Really know You.
-RK
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