roses in vapor

I'm tired, and I'm having trouble.

It just gets so hard to tell myself that I have no choice but to let go. I can't worry where he is or what he is doing or who he is with. I can't fret over the future or who I'll be with.

I need to just let it go and stop thinking, stop worrying.

I have to let go...but I'm having trouble.

It gets harder from here on out - not easier. It gets colder on the inside, not warmer. I wish so badly that I could hold him, but I know that is wrong.

I just want to know he is okay - but I can't. I want to see his face and his shining eyes - but I CAN'T! and I know if I don't stop thinking this way I will destory everything that I have and everything I want.

I will reach my hand out to the rose in the vapor only to realize it isn't really there.

I'm so afraid to...I don't want to know if it is real or not - I don't dare touch it, dare breathe on it lest this morning mist will disappear and show me that it was only an illusion.

I don't want to touch it, to kill it, to know it isn't really there...

but what if it is?

I have to leave it for now, stop looking at it and wondering if it will ever bloom again. I have to walk away from this field, this tree, this place - and just realize that I can't know if that rose is real yet.

It may be but it may be an illusion. I won't know until I reach out for it...

I can't reach out for it yet because God doesn't want me to.

I must be still, I must be quiet - I must wait....

just a little longer, and one day I'll find myself holding a rose that I never knew was real. So sweet, so soft, and somehow yet, so real.

But only one day...

not this day.

-RK