wonder
I'm so tired, and so confused. I wish that everything could just make some sense for ONCE - and that I could just be happy for NOW - and that everything will be okay in the end.
I wish I knew what to write, what to say, what to do to make all of this better - to make it really go away. But I can't wash your wounds with my mud anymore. I can't wipe your tears with my wrists anymore. I can't cure this cancer but kill the spirit - any more. I can't bleed you and watch you die. I can't bleed me and then wonder why I'm still alive. I just can't...
I wish it were simple, and yet I know this is going to make me stronger. I already see it in the eyes of the world - strength that doesn't make any sense to them.
...sigh...
but do I really want to be strong? If so, what am I comlaining about? If not, why am I still here?
...how I wish I could be strong without excercise, wise without study, and a hero without going into battle.
Or maybe I could just know the end and justify the means? Or maybe You could show me...
show me something before I lose my mind.
...sigh...again...
I wonder when this pain will end; when this will get better...
When will this come back, if ever. When will I talk to you and know that you're still alive somewhere. When will I run into you at VONS and see you with a wife and two girls and just wonder what it would have been like if it was me. When will you see me with a husband and three boys, and just wonder what it could be like had it been you. When will I bump into you in Orange County or Okniawa, Japan or Hawaii and think - maybe we could try again.
I wonder if any of those will be true in the end. I wonder where I really will be in five years - in ten years - in a lifetime from now. I wonder who I'll have loved and who I'll have lost. I wonder what will have touched me and what will I have forgotten. I wonder who will still matter and who will be like a vapor in my mind. I wonder who will still be a dense fog, thinking and rethinking who they are in my life. I wonder...
I wonder so much. I wonder if wonderng so much isn't half my problem...
...sigh...I wish things could be a little simpler...
just a little.
Then maybe I could make some sense, understand where You are pointing, figure out some purpose, and dicover where I'm supposed to be going.
Yes, yes. I know You tell me slowly - but I want to know today!
I know, patience...You always say. I know - don't fear because it leads into evil...You always knew. I know, love never fails...You haven't failed me yet.
I only wish...
not that it really was so much simpler...
but really, just that I could learn to love
a little more like you.
-RK
I wish I knew what to write, what to say, what to do to make all of this better - to make it really go away. But I can't wash your wounds with my mud anymore. I can't wipe your tears with my wrists anymore. I can't cure this cancer but kill the spirit - any more. I can't bleed you and watch you die. I can't bleed me and then wonder why I'm still alive. I just can't...
I wish it were simple, and yet I know this is going to make me stronger. I already see it in the eyes of the world - strength that doesn't make any sense to them.
...sigh...
but do I really want to be strong? If so, what am I comlaining about? If not, why am I still here?
...how I wish I could be strong without excercise, wise without study, and a hero without going into battle.
Or maybe I could just know the end and justify the means? Or maybe You could show me...
show me something before I lose my mind.
...sigh...again...
I wonder when this pain will end; when this will get better...
When will this come back, if ever. When will I talk to you and know that you're still alive somewhere. When will I run into you at VONS and see you with a wife and two girls and just wonder what it would have been like if it was me. When will you see me with a husband and three boys, and just wonder what it could be like had it been you. When will I bump into you in Orange County or Okniawa, Japan or Hawaii and think - maybe we could try again.
I wonder if any of those will be true in the end. I wonder where I really will be in five years - in ten years - in a lifetime from now. I wonder who I'll have loved and who I'll have lost. I wonder what will have touched me and what will I have forgotten. I wonder who will still matter and who will be like a vapor in my mind. I wonder who will still be a dense fog, thinking and rethinking who they are in my life. I wonder...
I wonder so much. I wonder if wonderng so much isn't half my problem...
...sigh...I wish things could be a little simpler...
just a little.
Then maybe I could make some sense, understand where You are pointing, figure out some purpose, and dicover where I'm supposed to be going.
Yes, yes. I know You tell me slowly - but I want to know today!
I know, patience...You always say. I know - don't fear because it leads into evil...You always knew. I know, love never fails...You haven't failed me yet.
I only wish...
not that it really was so much simpler...
but really, just that I could learn to love
a little more like you.
-RK
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