It's almost time...

I have a bad tendency to not finish things.

I have a way of saying things, and not meaning them; a way of looking for things, but not really wanting to find them; a way of requiring things, but not holding up to them.

I don't know why.

I guess the problem is that I'm becoming more and more like what I used to criticize. And the more I look at the world, the more I keep wondering why I am becoming what I'm becoming.

...But more than that, why people don't seem to be able to understand it anymore. It's like you become like someone just when they forget why they were ever that way.

And no matter what you do, you always end up being the one whose being blamed.

I just don't understand it.

I used to think that I had things figured out - but now I only know that I don't.

It's sort of upsetting, you know. Sort of off-putting, when you really start to think about it.

Sigh.

I know, I know. It'll all come together in the end.

But frankly, I'm tired of screwing up, of being misunderstood, and of not getting the questions answered.

I just want to feel safe and warm for once. Why am I not allowed that?

Why do I end up out in the cold, while everyone else is able to come home and feel secure?

Why do I end up on the downside...everytime I try?

I don't know - but I'm tired.

So please, just don't ask me any questions anymore. I'm tired of thinking of the answers to them. Just let me rest here, in some peace for once.

But don't think I won't notice things anymore...

I will, but I don't know that I'll say anything this time.

...sigh.

I really am tired.

-RK