mourning

A gray horizon rising without rain
Where has the sun gone?
Mourning for the loss it feels
here in California, as he comes to his rest.

Trembling under the weight of the horizon
Where has my happiness gone?
Fading as I look down a road I'm made to walk
feet falling in front, heart almost left behind.

The world's coming crashing down-
and it isn't just because of this.
Where has the strength gone?
I used to wait for you, now I'm not so sure...

Afraid of tomorrow and the darkness it dawns with.
What's becoming of that girl I was?
Scared and pushed back beyond all of the silence,
to a place where she isn't so safe.

My happiness stands at the top of this mountain, just waiting.
Why am I clamouring down the hillside away from it?
Following the nail piereced hands I know so well-
but not knowing where they are going to take me.

Terrified of tomorrow, scared to death of dreaming.
What happens when I realize where I am?
Everything I ever wanted is disappearing in the vapor
the roses are dying from the rain.

So much hurt never thought I could contain.
How do you say goodbye knowing they're still alive?
An unliteral death steals away whatever hope you had.
At least you will see them in heaven.

Clay made jars cracking and breaking.
How do I clean up this mess within me?
Sweeping away the wheat with the chaffe
only because I can't see the difference.

Hold my own hand in the dark, crying myself to sleep.
When does this emptiness heal?
Struggling to love without a spaceless expression-
hoping to hurt without the memories taking control.

Is this not enough?
Was it never enough?
Will anything I ever have be enough?
Or is the eleventh hour finally here?

Hold me - I'm scared.
Wrap me up in the warmth-
so I don't wrap my breath up in the blankets,
sobbing when there is no air good enough to breathe.

Home.
I want to come home.
But if I did, would you be there?
And if I stay, will you come for me?

Comfort...
the word seems so little
but it means so much.
Comfort, how I need comfort now.

Sun, son - where have you gone?
Spirit within me, why are you asleep?
Father, daddy - my strenght and my redeemer...
why have you not?

If only I had more answers...
less pain...
If only I could go to the funeral and say goodbye.
But there won't be one tonight.

So I'll sit here in my room, all alone
and I'll stare at the white wall on my own
and I'll remember the feeling of last summer...
and wonder where it all went away to.

Heal. Stength. Comfort.
Come quickly to me Spirit of oil.
How I need the balm you can offer,
how I need to know you care.

-RK