Another Apology?

I must apologize - yet again - although I fear this one mayn't reach the ears of the those who need to hear it. If the people who need never see this - God, please let them know that I am truly sorry.

The apology is yet again for poor behavior - although this time it was born out of simply not knowing what to do. A lack of wisdom...

*sigh* A lack of so many things within me.

But that is not the point. I was lost, confused, and mixed-up. My heart was pounding like a sledgehammer in my chest and I couldn't get it to quiet. I couldn't even get my voice to get out of my throat...trapped within myself, scared and cowering under the weight - afraid of what was coming.

You are, I'm sure, without having to hear the poundings of my soul - that I would expect. But I'm sure you can feel the wave, the surge of frightenedness as it wafts across the room like a hurricane coming across the ocean. I'm sure you feel it - and I'm sorry.

I wish I was happy and ... beautiful.

But I'm just not.

And I'm sorry.

Sorry for being immature, again. Sorry for not being all that I could have or should have been in that moment - and even for just thinking the wrong thoughts and being the wrong kind of angry. Sorry for rage and words that again were not appropriate. Slamming of doors and an angry look in my eyes. I wasn't angry - I was scared.

And I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to You - God, for being angry and for yelling at You too.

I hope You will forgive me.

So if you are reading this and you know what I mean - then please accept this menial apology and strive to forgive someone who just doesn't know any better.

I'm sorry - for those who need to hear it. For those who know, for those who understand.

-RK