What it's worth...

Sitting here...again.

More Poptarts, more nausia, more tired wakefulness.

So tired of eating Poptarts when I should be eating Los Amigos. So tired of sitting here when I should be enjoying my life. So tired of being alone when I should have friends. So tired of being stuck here when I should be half-way home by now.

So tired of staying up all night - just because I'm not tired, or too tired to fall asleep.

So tired of not dreaming good dreams - waking up and asking my dreamcatcher and God "why?". So tired of sitting around - waiting.

So tired of waiting, even though it has just begun. How long will this wait last? How long will I be incomplete? How long will I seek and cower in the corner, waiting for something more...

...waiting.

*sigh* Tired of waiting.

Waiting to be finished, waiting to come home, waiting to leave. Waiting to get an answer, or just to hear the question. Waiting to walk through the desert to get to the promised land. Waiting to be whole withouth this lack. Waiting to be...

something.

Just waiting. And tired.

Tired of waiting.

Want to be happy without this sorrow, want to smile without the memory, want to dream without the nightmares. Want to dance without restraint, want to sing like no one is listening, want to spin around like no one cares. Want to free myself from the prisons I live in - from the prisons I've produced.

Want so much - so very much.

And yet, must wait.

Confused, complicated - knowing that I'm worth more than what they say I am...but waiting to find out why.

Worth more...worth more...maybe rubies, maybe diamonds - or maybe just fool's gold. But have to be worth more...

don't I?

Worth waiting for, worth waiting....worth all of this...

doesn't it?

Worth something deeper, something grander, something sweeter, something finer.

Worth this waiting, worth this life - worth my heart when it is finally right.

Yes, yes. Worth more, more than all of this.

And at long last, something worth this - worth more.

-RK