Thoughts before the new day falls

So much that I want to say, so many things I want to tell somone - all before life goes away...

But people leave, and that's just the way things go. And people don't stay forever, that's just the way life is.

There was so many things I wanted to show you, so many things I wanted to be. So many lifetimes I wanted to live, all before life left me...

...I used to look at the world in terms of what I did, who I knew, and how long it lasted. I used to think that life was about doing everything on your checklist. I used to think life was about people.

I'm learning life isn't what I thought it was. Love isn't what I thought it was.

I used to imagine my life getting better. I used to think that the older I got, the more everything would make sense. But I'm learning now that I was wrong.

I think life is hard just because it is hard. I think life is hard because I'm hard of hearing. I think life is hard because I'm hard of understanding. I think life is hard because I make it out to be.

*sigh*

I'm beginning to wonder if regret is good or bad. I used to think it was good. Then I saw it was bad. Now I'm not sure if I want it or if I ever wanted to, if I could stop. I used to think I shouldn't stop. Now, I don't know if I could, even if I wanted. Or maybe I already did. Maybe guilt is different than regret. Maybe it is the same.

I think that I'm getting too deep for my mental capacity tonight. But I feel deep within. I feel shallow everywhere else; I feel hollow, and empty, and shallow in everything else. But I feel deep within. I feel a lot of things that I don't show. I feel a lot of things that I don't express. I feel a lot of things that I don't talk about.

Sometimes, I wonder if they all just get lost inside of me. Sometimes, I wonder why I can't remember them, but still feel them in the back of my mind. Sometimes, I wonder why I can't forget them.

I wish sometimes that I could be more open. I wish I could just tell everyone how I feel and what I am and how it looks in the mirror to be me. But I don't think they would understand. I don't think the world likes to hear about you; I don't think they like to hold your hand. I think sometimes that it is better to just keep quiet so that nobody looks at you funny - so that no one looks down on you. Sometimes, I think it is better not to be known, so nobody can claim that they hated you.

I think sometimes it is better to be forgotten. Or maybe it really is better to be hated - but I would rather be forgotten. Too many people hate me; it wouldn't be anything new. I think I would rather just disappear, rather just cease to exist. I think I would rather just be forgotten. At least then I didn't hurt anyone...at least then I didn't have a purpose. At least then, I could disappear without any tears.

I sometimes think that is what I want to do. Disappear without any tears. Just pick up and go. Not look back and not hear my name on their lips anymore. I think sometimes that is all I am really looking for...

but other times, I know it isn't. Other times I know what I am looking for...

I want to be loved, held, embraced, and told that the world isn't falling apart. I want to be important, significant, and wanted. I want to feel the warmth of someone for the rest of my life. I want to feel the coldness melt until the day I die. I want to be wrapped up, suffocated in the comfort of knowning that someone will never let go. I want to drown in the smell of someone who will never leave me, never walk away, never stop staring at me. I want to feel someone's gaze burn into my soul until the point that I realize I can never look away.

I want to fall forever into someone else's starry sky. I want to sink for a lifetime into someone else's life. I want to feel passion spinning all around me until I fall fast asleep. I want to be reminded that I'm alive.

I want to feel someone's heartbeat instead of my own. I want to breathe someone else's air, someone else's breath until I can't breathe anymore. I want to hold someone's eyes until I can't keep mine open. I want to feel alive and fall fast asleep, all at the same time.

I want to be content, safe, warm.

I want to feel that I am it - that I am the only. I want to know that I am the dream, that I am the waking, that I am the midnight and the daybreak - all at once. I want to know that I am loved just as I love. I want to know that I am wanted just as I want. I want to know that I am needed just as I need. I want to know that I am complete just as I become the completion. I want to know that I am whole just as I make whole in return. I want to be the end and the beginning of someone's dream. I want someone to be the end and the beginning of mine.

I want to be loved. And I want to love.

I want to be finished. And I want to finish.

I want to be alive. And I want to live...

live a lifetime with someone I can love.

-RK