saddness intense
It fills everything - every space, every hole, every gap in me. It fills.
Filling from the bottom of the floor to my mind where the feeling cannot escape...so I cannot escape.
Breath and sigh. Stop and think. Move from here back to there - and come home again. But nothing makes the wounds heal...
nothing hides the scars, nothing shows I'm home.
On a road with road signs - that don't make any sense. Looking for a rest stop, but there isn't one in sight.
Hoping to feel whole without feeling dead. Hoping to be alive without being in denial. Hoping to find...
something.
Fearing as the 11th hour comes closer. Every moment closer...Everytime I dream, everytime I wake, everytime I look past my own two feet; the 11th hour feels closer...
Bleeding from the outside in, tearing apart the pieces of me that still had this in them. Killing my windbroken spirit - frail and helpless, stopping it from dancing through the trees in the forest of my made-up reality. Deathly still in the middle of the meadow - straining to see if the moon will really rise tonight...tonight while it is so dark.
Falling asleep cradled in my own arms. Falling asleep, holding my own heart. Falling asleep in the fetal position, cuz it stops the pain for now.
Pain.
Yes, pain.
Not fear, not hate, not anger, not rage, not confusion, not decision, not trust or lack thereof.
But pain.
Pain walking with me down every road, at every stop, around every corner. Looking through the tinted glass into the one-way mirror; but ever really seeing me? Or just a reflection of the world...
Saddness ceasing me from moving, pain growing - deepening...
looking deep into the abyss that I fear I may have become.
Scared to death of moving forward - wanting so badly to get past this 11th hour...but knowing I'm really nowhere near.
Waiting to be moved - but not because I want to...
because I have to.
Trembling under my own weight, dizzy in the middle of the street. Calling out for something, begging someone...
almost thinking anything could be better...but isn't.
Traveling this road alone. People standing on the sidewalk, but not being able to see my road. Friends standing beside me - but not being able to walk along.
Tearing down the temples that I built - the temple that I was...temples of goddesses and morality. Temples of hurt and lack of trust. Temples of dreams - dreams turning into nightmares. Temples...
temples full of nothing.
One light breaks in the middle of the darkness. But do I dare get up and follow it? Could I ever trust it - ever feel it - ever know it...ever again? Or am I really that lost, really that gone, really that far from home?
No answers...just questions.
No direction, just road signs to follow. No guardrails, just a pass through the mountain, a way through the valley. Just a hope to follow, a dream to chase, wind to catch.
And that's what we're all doing...catching wind. Not air, not breath...but wind.
-RK
Filling from the bottom of the floor to my mind where the feeling cannot escape...so I cannot escape.
Breath and sigh. Stop and think. Move from here back to there - and come home again. But nothing makes the wounds heal...
nothing hides the scars, nothing shows I'm home.
On a road with road signs - that don't make any sense. Looking for a rest stop, but there isn't one in sight.
Hoping to feel whole without feeling dead. Hoping to be alive without being in denial. Hoping to find...
something.
Fearing as the 11th hour comes closer. Every moment closer...Everytime I dream, everytime I wake, everytime I look past my own two feet; the 11th hour feels closer...
Bleeding from the outside in, tearing apart the pieces of me that still had this in them. Killing my windbroken spirit - frail and helpless, stopping it from dancing through the trees in the forest of my made-up reality. Deathly still in the middle of the meadow - straining to see if the moon will really rise tonight...tonight while it is so dark.
Falling asleep cradled in my own arms. Falling asleep, holding my own heart. Falling asleep in the fetal position, cuz it stops the pain for now.
Pain.
Yes, pain.
Not fear, not hate, not anger, not rage, not confusion, not decision, not trust or lack thereof.
But pain.
Pain walking with me down every road, at every stop, around every corner. Looking through the tinted glass into the one-way mirror; but ever really seeing me? Or just a reflection of the world...
Saddness ceasing me from moving, pain growing - deepening...
looking deep into the abyss that I fear I may have become.
Scared to death of moving forward - wanting so badly to get past this 11th hour...but knowing I'm really nowhere near.
Waiting to be moved - but not because I want to...
because I have to.
Trembling under my own weight, dizzy in the middle of the street. Calling out for something, begging someone...
almost thinking anything could be better...but isn't.
Traveling this road alone. People standing on the sidewalk, but not being able to see my road. Friends standing beside me - but not being able to walk along.
Tearing down the temples that I built - the temple that I was...temples of goddesses and morality. Temples of hurt and lack of trust. Temples of dreams - dreams turning into nightmares. Temples...
temples full of nothing.
One light breaks in the middle of the darkness. But do I dare get up and follow it? Could I ever trust it - ever feel it - ever know it...ever again? Or am I really that lost, really that gone, really that far from home?
No answers...just questions.
No direction, just road signs to follow. No guardrails, just a pass through the mountain, a way through the valley. Just a hope to follow, a dream to chase, wind to catch.
And that's what we're all doing...catching wind. Not air, not breath...but wind.
-RK
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