To My Future Husband
Dearest one,
At this point in my life, I still don't know who you are going to end up being. And at this point, I'm not going to try and figure it out anymore. Really, to be honest, I'm not sure how to go about starting this, but I have so much that I have been wanting to tell you - wanting to share with you.
It started so long ago, when I wondered who I would marry. For as long as I can remember, I loved having guy friends and I loved just being able to have fun. For the longest time, I didn't think I needed a boyfriend - I never really thought I needed to date. But then, as I got older, that space in me started becoming apparent and suddenly it seemed, I wanted more. At that time, I thought it was me being ready for a boyfriend. Now I see, it was me beginning to grow up.
But, since I didn't know what I was doing, I started going after the proverbial "date". It started with Austin and ended with Chris. Started with sitting at the side of the pool thinking I wanted to go for a swim, ended up with me & Chris jumping off the diving board into the shallow end and bashing our heads in.
And as for right now? Now, I'm in the emotional emergency room with my head all bandaged up, showing me that I was wrong. And I know Chris is somewhere in the hospital, but I don't really know where or how he's doing from the fall. I just know that when I get out of here, I'm going to go back to that pool. I don't know who I'll find there, but I know that one day, it will be you.
But I have to tell you, I'm not jumping off the diving board again, not into the shallow end. I've been to the hospital one too many times for that, and I won't jump off until I know I'll land in the 12 foot deep end. So until then, we can put our feet in the water and see how the water feels. Maybe then, one day we will go to the diving board.
OK, so maybe I'm being a little vague. I guess vague metaphors is just what I'm best at. But instead of confusing you, let me be frank. I've put this stuff up on my online journals other places, but here is really the only place I'm talking to you directly aobut it. So if and when you find me - at least you can know what on earth I'll be talking about.
I'm not dating again. I can't do it, and I never really wanted to - I just didn't know it. I'd love to be friends, and one day be intimate friends - then one day we can enter courtship. But I won't be your girlfriend and I won't go on dates with you.
Now I'm pretty sure you think that I sound crazy, but let me explain.
Dating is a non-commitment commitment. Dating is a marriage without a vow, an engagement without a ring, and a relationship that does not have to be centered on love or honesty. In fact, it rarely is. Dating, with its physical element, allows two individuals to create a relationship with the centrifugal force being physical conctact. It carries with it emotions that shouldn't be stirred and pain that wouldn't otherwise exist.
On the other hand, a deeply rooted reltionship born out of an intimate, non-physical friendship has a very different centrifugal force. The reason is this: once you remove the force of the physical from the reltionship, you must re-center upon something. Now, if the friendship is the type of friendship that will one day end in courtship - and marriage - that center becomes honesty and God. And a center like that makes all the difference.
So, okay, I'm not sure that I am really making much sense. But if you have gotten this far in my life - I'm assuming that you understand I often don't tend to make much sense when I'm trying to explain something complicated. But that point aside, I hope that I am at least making some degrees of sense.
To be honest, this letter is born out of a conversation I had with my good friend, Felisa. Ironically, we have been traveling very similar roads these days. Except that she just got back to the pool after two years of being in the hospital. She wanted to put her feet in, but the guy she wanted to put her feet in with drove away from the pool. Ironically, I'm still in the hospital at this point. But anyway, it's strange how we both agreed on this concept.
What concept exactly is that? The concept of friendship instead of dating relationship. The concept of honesty and God as center, not physical contact. The concept of waiting, not dating.
That really is it. That really is what I have been struggling to verbalize for the past few weeks. That really is what this whole situation drove me into without my realizing it. It is just that: I don't want to date, I never really did - but I didn't know how else I could ever find a husband.
Now, I am hoping that I was right about all of this, because I am truly hoping that you are reading this. If you are - then I'll know that this story does have a happy ending. If you aren't, then maybe I'm still missing a factor in the equation.
But I really pray that you are reading this, and I pray that we were able to stick to this without too many screw-up and too many confused conversations, and too many hurt feelings. I know it isn't an easy road to travel. And I realize that once emotions get involved in something like this, the hardship of the commitment mutliplies rapidly. But I also realize that this is the only way to protect my heart from this pain - this ravaging - this breaking that it was never intended to do.
And honestly, if God has you out there for me - something simple like not being someone's girlfriend won't change that. I mean, if God took the time to pick you out - then I know that He will bring us to a place where it will work no matter what we do.
So I hope that one day I actually get to meet you, and I hope that one day you actually get to read this. But for now, until I do and until you do, this serves as a letter to those who maybe don't understand. I hope that it can explain what's been going on inside my head now for some time. I hope it can explain why I wasn't cut out to be someone's girlfriend. Ironically, it's in the name. Bound: but you can't be bound to a whole world of people and you can never truly commit if you are.
So, in short, what I am trying to say here is just that. I am bound - bound somehow by God to you, wherever and whoever you are. And I hope and pray that, for now, you are willing to say the same.
With the deepest of loves I will one day hold for you,
RLL
In the Shallow End
At this point in my life, I still don't know who you are going to end up being. And at this point, I'm not going to try and figure it out anymore. Really, to be honest, I'm not sure how to go about starting this, but I have so much that I have been wanting to tell you - wanting to share with you.
It started so long ago, when I wondered who I would marry. For as long as I can remember, I loved having guy friends and I loved just being able to have fun. For the longest time, I didn't think I needed a boyfriend - I never really thought I needed to date. But then, as I got older, that space in me started becoming apparent and suddenly it seemed, I wanted more. At that time, I thought it was me being ready for a boyfriend. Now I see, it was me beginning to grow up.
But, since I didn't know what I was doing, I started going after the proverbial "date". It started with Austin and ended with Chris. Started with sitting at the side of the pool thinking I wanted to go for a swim, ended up with me & Chris jumping off the diving board into the shallow end and bashing our heads in.
And as for right now? Now, I'm in the emotional emergency room with my head all bandaged up, showing me that I was wrong. And I know Chris is somewhere in the hospital, but I don't really know where or how he's doing from the fall. I just know that when I get out of here, I'm going to go back to that pool. I don't know who I'll find there, but I know that one day, it will be you.
But I have to tell you, I'm not jumping off the diving board again, not into the shallow end. I've been to the hospital one too many times for that, and I won't jump off until I know I'll land in the 12 foot deep end. So until then, we can put our feet in the water and see how the water feels. Maybe then, one day we will go to the diving board.
OK, so maybe I'm being a little vague. I guess vague metaphors is just what I'm best at. But instead of confusing you, let me be frank. I've put this stuff up on my online journals other places, but here is really the only place I'm talking to you directly aobut it. So if and when you find me - at least you can know what on earth I'll be talking about.
I'm not dating again. I can't do it, and I never really wanted to - I just didn't know it. I'd love to be friends, and one day be intimate friends - then one day we can enter courtship. But I won't be your girlfriend and I won't go on dates with you.
Now I'm pretty sure you think that I sound crazy, but let me explain.
Dating is a non-commitment commitment. Dating is a marriage without a vow, an engagement without a ring, and a relationship that does not have to be centered on love or honesty. In fact, it rarely is. Dating, with its physical element, allows two individuals to create a relationship with the centrifugal force being physical conctact. It carries with it emotions that shouldn't be stirred and pain that wouldn't otherwise exist.
On the other hand, a deeply rooted reltionship born out of an intimate, non-physical friendship has a very different centrifugal force. The reason is this: once you remove the force of the physical from the reltionship, you must re-center upon something. Now, if the friendship is the type of friendship that will one day end in courtship - and marriage - that center becomes honesty and God. And a center like that makes all the difference.
So, okay, I'm not sure that I am really making much sense. But if you have gotten this far in my life - I'm assuming that you understand I often don't tend to make much sense when I'm trying to explain something complicated. But that point aside, I hope that I am at least making some degrees of sense.
To be honest, this letter is born out of a conversation I had with my good friend, Felisa. Ironically, we have been traveling very similar roads these days. Except that she just got back to the pool after two years of being in the hospital. She wanted to put her feet in, but the guy she wanted to put her feet in with drove away from the pool. Ironically, I'm still in the hospital at this point. But anyway, it's strange how we both agreed on this concept.
What concept exactly is that? The concept of friendship instead of dating relationship. The concept of honesty and God as center, not physical contact. The concept of waiting, not dating.
That really is it. That really is what I have been struggling to verbalize for the past few weeks. That really is what this whole situation drove me into without my realizing it. It is just that: I don't want to date, I never really did - but I didn't know how else I could ever find a husband.
Now, I am hoping that I was right about all of this, because I am truly hoping that you are reading this. If you are - then I'll know that this story does have a happy ending. If you aren't, then maybe I'm still missing a factor in the equation.
But I really pray that you are reading this, and I pray that we were able to stick to this without too many screw-up and too many confused conversations, and too many hurt feelings. I know it isn't an easy road to travel. And I realize that once emotions get involved in something like this, the hardship of the commitment mutliplies rapidly. But I also realize that this is the only way to protect my heart from this pain - this ravaging - this breaking that it was never intended to do.
And honestly, if God has you out there for me - something simple like not being someone's girlfriend won't change that. I mean, if God took the time to pick you out - then I know that He will bring us to a place where it will work no matter what we do.
So I hope that one day I actually get to meet you, and I hope that one day you actually get to read this. But for now, until I do and until you do, this serves as a letter to those who maybe don't understand. I hope that it can explain what's been going on inside my head now for some time. I hope it can explain why I wasn't cut out to be someone's girlfriend. Ironically, it's in the name. Bound: but you can't be bound to a whole world of people and you can never truly commit if you are.
So, in short, what I am trying to say here is just that. I am bound - bound somehow by God to you, wherever and whoever you are. And I hope and pray that, for now, you are willing to say the same.
With the deepest of loves I will one day hold for you,
RLL
In the Shallow End
2 Thought(s):
Oh lovely, it's beautiful! I love it... I cherish it... I revel in finally knowing what it is... *sigh* How God works everything together I'll never know. But this I do know, we finally have the solution to our problem. From now on lovely, we are waiting, and certainly NOT dating! :D
Oh that is so it! I am so overjoyed that we were able to talk, even if it was at 4 o'clock in the morning when we both had 10 page papers due. Even so, I can't express my gratitude, my joy, and my gladdness that a) you understood and b) you helped me figure it all out. Thank you so much - I can never repay you!
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