Who says adults don't fall?
I'm falling.
Only now learning those things about myself I "should have known" years before. But I was never told to bother learning them. Only told to be put to sleep by my entertained mindset and told to seek the thrills of my entertaining lifestyle. So that I thought I knew myself and the world around me.
Which is how I got to where I am now. Faced again and again with myself sitting afraid in corners of rooms I never thought I'd be in.
Receding, fading.
Not so much pushed back as pulled away. Split. Almost directly down the middle. Two sides of one shape, you say? Or just two angles of the same face. Two views of the same vista.
Or, perhaps - two weathers that this vista gradiates between.
I guess I thought the darker, colder, quieter, stripped back part of me was gone. The uninterruptive one. The unimpressive one. The silent, invisible one. The one that hid in rooms from life when life felt too heavy. The one who hid in closets when life was unbearable to lift. And yet, here I am. As far away from you, from this life, from all of it as I can go. Hiding inside myself because I'm afraid I have no recourse now.
Honesty and openness and frank directness failed me.
What is left?
When there is no other course, we have to learn to walk the one before us anyway. When we can't bear the one we've found ourselves on, we have to find a place where we can breathe the air again. When we've become something we can't imagine being, we have to find some way back to where we used to be.
Or, when we fall from where we've climbed too, we have to find another route back up.
I've fallen and I have to find another route back up. Even if it changes something about the way I used to climb. I have to get back to where I was, at whatever cost it bears. Because I can't bear what I've become back down here. And no Asher or Brandon or god is going to save me with any magic mysticism.
No matter how hard I cry.
And there won't be any rescue from behind or beside me. Because out here, we're all alone. Because we all live at a modern pace. And at that pace, at some point, we all decided that we'd be better off alone. So, we all go it solo because, at some point, we all decided that we could do it better that way. So, we just have to go forward from here into wherever there is to go. Just hold on to whatever scraps of truth about ourselves are left and just move on.
Which means, now the question stands more than any other:
Where would I go if I went, and what would I do when I got there?
To be honest, it's the only thing stopping me. It's always been the thing stopping me. I can't just go. I can't just walk out of a door without knowing where I'm headed when I get out. I can't keep moving unless I know why.
Unity. It all has to come together for some reason with some purpose. Then, I could get through anything. I could believe in anything. I do be and do anything. I could live anywhere. I could live through it all.
If I only knew what it all added up to.
This is the problem I'm always faced with. When I can't see what I'm doing adding up to anything, but I can't see any other option that does, either. When I'm stuck between nowhere and no-one. In a hole of nothing amounting to anything.
I can't go on, but I can't go back, and I can't just stay where I am.
So then, what?
What is there for someone like me who can't add it all up but who can't do it without the addition? Who can't find the purpose and can't function without one?
I guess I'll just do what I've always done. What Jay and I decided I had to do way back beside the fire in my early college years. Pacing back and forth along a ledge I knew I couldn't jump from and couldn't turn round on.
Just wait, until the wind pushes you over the edge. Just wait, until you can stand to jump.
So now, I'm just waiting for the push. Waiting for a wind that's strong enough to push me over. Or push me down.
Whichever comes first, actually.
Only now learning those things about myself I "should have known" years before. But I was never told to bother learning them. Only told to be put to sleep by my entertained mindset and told to seek the thrills of my entertaining lifestyle. So that I thought I knew myself and the world around me.
Which is how I got to where I am now. Faced again and again with myself sitting afraid in corners of rooms I never thought I'd be in.
Receding, fading.
Not so much pushed back as pulled away. Split. Almost directly down the middle. Two sides of one shape, you say? Or just two angles of the same face. Two views of the same vista.
Or, perhaps - two weathers that this vista gradiates between.
I guess I thought the darker, colder, quieter, stripped back part of me was gone. The uninterruptive one. The unimpressive one. The silent, invisible one. The one that hid in rooms from life when life felt too heavy. The one who hid in closets when life was unbearable to lift. And yet, here I am. As far away from you, from this life, from all of it as I can go. Hiding inside myself because I'm afraid I have no recourse now.
Honesty and openness and frank directness failed me.
What is left?
When there is no other course, we have to learn to walk the one before us anyway. When we can't bear the one we've found ourselves on, we have to find a place where we can breathe the air again. When we've become something we can't imagine being, we have to find some way back to where we used to be.
Or, when we fall from where we've climbed too, we have to find another route back up.
I've fallen and I have to find another route back up. Even if it changes something about the way I used to climb. I have to get back to where I was, at whatever cost it bears. Because I can't bear what I've become back down here. And no Asher or Brandon or god is going to save me with any magic mysticism.
No matter how hard I cry.
And there won't be any rescue from behind or beside me. Because out here, we're all alone. Because we all live at a modern pace. And at that pace, at some point, we all decided that we'd be better off alone. So, we all go it solo because, at some point, we all decided that we could do it better that way. So, we just have to go forward from here into wherever there is to go. Just hold on to whatever scraps of truth about ourselves are left and just move on.
Which means, now the question stands more than any other:
Where would I go if I went, and what would I do when I got there?
To be honest, it's the only thing stopping me. It's always been the thing stopping me. I can't just go. I can't just walk out of a door without knowing where I'm headed when I get out. I can't keep moving unless I know why.
Unity. It all has to come together for some reason with some purpose. Then, I could get through anything. I could believe in anything. I do be and do anything. I could live anywhere. I could live through it all.
If I only knew what it all added up to.
This is the problem I'm always faced with. When I can't see what I'm doing adding up to anything, but I can't see any other option that does, either. When I'm stuck between nowhere and no-one. In a hole of nothing amounting to anything.
I can't go on, but I can't go back, and I can't just stay where I am.
So then, what?
What is there for someone like me who can't add it all up but who can't do it without the addition? Who can't find the purpose and can't function without one?
I guess I'll just do what I've always done. What Jay and I decided I had to do way back beside the fire in my early college years. Pacing back and forth along a ledge I knew I couldn't jump from and couldn't turn round on.
Just wait, until the wind pushes you over the edge. Just wait, until you can stand to jump.
So now, I'm just waiting for the push. Waiting for a wind that's strong enough to push me over. Or push me down.
Whichever comes first, actually.
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