More personal bullshit...
One of these days, I'll get back to writing about real things, instead of emotional trivia and tripe. But, bear with me for now. I'm having a sort of extended crisis.
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I feel like a ghost, like a background painting, like the wallpaper, like the wall. But then, I feel like the ring-leader, the circus director, the main act on the main stage, too.
What the fuck.
I feel like I'm torn, ripped in half between being the head and the tail, the front and the back, the lead and the shadow.
Can I be both?
Should I be either?
I often wonder how many people know what I know. How many people would ever suspect me of being the silent eyes, the fly in the window, the tape-recorder tapping your phone line, listening in on everything you've ever said.
I think very few.
I often wonder how many people would ever guess how the ringleader recedes so quickly, like a landslide or an avalanche. Becoming a silent pair of eyes that is too weak and too terrified and too unsure to speak. I wonder how many people who see the main act would ever suspect me of being the wordless side-show.
I think very few.
But then, these might be false assumptions. Perhaps, I'm just like I want to be - transparent. See through. Like a piece of glass instead of a fading mirror or broken stain-glass. Crystal clear and completely understandable. Predictable, even. Perhaps, people see me and they can instantly see both sides and think to themselves - that individual must be very conflicted.
I doubt it.
I fear that the problem underlying all of this is a weakness, an inability, a deficiency. A lack of gumption, you could say. Or nerve. Or commitment, perhaps. A lack of inner gusto. A lack of courage.
Because underneath all of the comforts and trained, practiced things is still this gnawing little voice, muffled as it might be by circumstance or repetition or force - muttering constantly, "You can't do it. You never could. And you already knew that. So give up now before you look even more a fool than you already do."
I'm no musician. I'm no writer. I'm no barista.
I'm just faking it. Putting up a cleverly practiced pretense.
Just pasting on an image that I feel good about.
I'm not post-gender or sexually-progressive or accepting or open. I'm not non-judgmental. I'm not free of stereotypes and cliches and a lack of freedom or autonomy. I'm just a product of my surroundings and my indoctrinations and my learned and assumed prejudices. I'm just a mouth-piece of all the things I'm told to believe, just like every one else - no matter how hard I try to break free.
Is this what everyone feels?
I'm trying to quiet the voices that tell me to give up and give in.
I'm trying to break free. But the more I break, the more I find needs breaking, and the more I find needs breaking, the harder it becomes to believe that I will ever be anything I can actually accept or believe in. Which makes me want to give up, give in, or get revenge.
Which is shitty, I realise. But then, I'm just as shitty as everyone else. Just as judgmental, just as lazy, just as pleased by all the ridiculous little things I give myself everyday that have absolutely no meaning.
I'm just a puppet of my the things I've been told. Of the powers that I perceive are above my head, pulling the strings.
I think, if I were more careful, I could have better words to say this all in. But, right now, I feel careless and reckless and driven by a desperation to not fall crashing back into the hopelessness I've - for some reason - always eventually returned to.
How can I be peace if I'm just a piece of shit? Or worse, if I just keep believing that I am?
I suppose we only do the things we think innately that we are capable of. Which is I always come up short when it comes to the things I want to be. And always come out on top of the things I don't care that I am. Because, in those cases, I'm "good enough" because I'm not bad enough. But, when it counts - I'm always full of shit.
Maybe I can change that.
Maybe we call can.
It's worth a shot.
I guess we just have to do it by doing it.
Don't we.
-------
I feel like a ghost, like a background painting, like the wallpaper, like the wall. But then, I feel like the ring-leader, the circus director, the main act on the main stage, too.
What the fuck.
I feel like I'm torn, ripped in half between being the head and the tail, the front and the back, the lead and the shadow.
Can I be both?
Should I be either?
I often wonder how many people know what I know. How many people would ever suspect me of being the silent eyes, the fly in the window, the tape-recorder tapping your phone line, listening in on everything you've ever said.
I think very few.
I often wonder how many people would ever guess how the ringleader recedes so quickly, like a landslide or an avalanche. Becoming a silent pair of eyes that is too weak and too terrified and too unsure to speak. I wonder how many people who see the main act would ever suspect me of being the wordless side-show.
I think very few.
But then, these might be false assumptions. Perhaps, I'm just like I want to be - transparent. See through. Like a piece of glass instead of a fading mirror or broken stain-glass. Crystal clear and completely understandable. Predictable, even. Perhaps, people see me and they can instantly see both sides and think to themselves - that individual must be very conflicted.
I doubt it.
I fear that the problem underlying all of this is a weakness, an inability, a deficiency. A lack of gumption, you could say. Or nerve. Or commitment, perhaps. A lack of inner gusto. A lack of courage.
Because underneath all of the comforts and trained, practiced things is still this gnawing little voice, muffled as it might be by circumstance or repetition or force - muttering constantly, "You can't do it. You never could. And you already knew that. So give up now before you look even more a fool than you already do."
I'm no musician. I'm no writer. I'm no barista.
I'm just faking it. Putting up a cleverly practiced pretense.
Just pasting on an image that I feel good about.
I'm not post-gender or sexually-progressive or accepting or open. I'm not non-judgmental. I'm not free of stereotypes and cliches and a lack of freedom or autonomy. I'm just a product of my surroundings and my indoctrinations and my learned and assumed prejudices. I'm just a mouth-piece of all the things I'm told to believe, just like every one else - no matter how hard I try to break free.
Is this what everyone feels?
I'm trying to quiet the voices that tell me to give up and give in.
I'm trying to break free. But the more I break, the more I find needs breaking, and the more I find needs breaking, the harder it becomes to believe that I will ever be anything I can actually accept or believe in. Which makes me want to give up, give in, or get revenge.
Which is shitty, I realise. But then, I'm just as shitty as everyone else. Just as judgmental, just as lazy, just as pleased by all the ridiculous little things I give myself everyday that have absolutely no meaning.
I'm just a puppet of my the things I've been told. Of the powers that I perceive are above my head, pulling the strings.
I think, if I were more careful, I could have better words to say this all in. But, right now, I feel careless and reckless and driven by a desperation to not fall crashing back into the hopelessness I've - for some reason - always eventually returned to.
How can I be peace if I'm just a piece of shit? Or worse, if I just keep believing that I am?
I suppose we only do the things we think innately that we are capable of. Which is I always come up short when it comes to the things I want to be. And always come out on top of the things I don't care that I am. Because, in those cases, I'm "good enough" because I'm not bad enough. But, when it counts - I'm always full of shit.
Maybe I can change that.
Maybe we call can.
It's worth a shot.
I guess we just have to do it by doing it.
Don't we.
2 Thought(s):
God's a verb, a noun, an adjective, the whole earth, the solar system, the aliens from Mars, the universe, and many beyond according to what astronomers sez. Even the dust. Even the atoms. Join me, puh-leeze, for a BIG-ol, kick-ass, party-hardy beyond the clouds celebrating our resurrection for eons and eons. Look'n forward to it.
I agree that the idea of god is our way of expressing the interconnectedness of all things. It's the way we internalize the truth that this is all just the same, and yet not.
But I'm not sure there's going to be any party after anything. I'm more inclined to believe that this reality is all there is for us and we are intrinsically linked to it. The life we live is the life we have, but our spirit (whatever that is) goes on after us and returns to this, just with different memories and experiences because that's only linked to this reality - not our spirit or soul or core or what have you.
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