Personality malfunction
This is, obviously, a conflict with myself. I write about it with some hesitation, and yet I find it better to write openly than to run hiding. I have been in hiding for too long. So, here we are. Something personal for you to digest and do with what you will. It may not hold any interest for you. It may be meaningful in some small way. Either way:
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In some circles, things are easy. A smile, a simple word, a casual gesture that indicates more concern about you than myself, than you'd expect, than you'd asked for. Quandaries, letdowns, disappointments, dilemmas, insecurity, cosmic irony, negativity cause no problem because they don't enter into this simple equation. There are - at most - three or four factors, all of which are within my control because I'm the one defining the terms.
This is easy. I can handle this.
There is a separation between my person and my action, between what I say, do, express and what I am. It might be a modicum of a difference and the barrier may well be transparent - but it is there, nonetheless.
In other circles, where we try to dissolve that barrier and blur that difference - things get sticky. Messy. A mess. Without the defining lines, it's impossible to tell who is arranging the terms of what situation and who the terms are being arranged for. Who is the determiner and who is the determinee.
I think it might help to think in these terms.
In a given situation, with friends or strangers - when two or more people are involved - one is giving something and the other is receiving it. This could be anything. A compliment, a critique, a harsh word, a kind word, a request. A cup of coffee. Attention. Respect.
The grounds are, essentially, still the same.
The problem someone in my line of work often finds is that the general stranger is easier to deal with. The terms of the situation are set. No thought goes into establishing what the other person wants because it is predetermined by the setting. So, both people can act accordingly without question. It becomes easier with more experience because you are always dealing with the same request.
Then, transition to a stranger on the street. After enough time in the above setting, you learn how to deal with the average stranger in the same way. You quickly set the terms of the engagement and act as you would. There is a certain open freeness in this. You can talk to people without the same inhibitions of your everyday personality because you know how the interaction ought to pan out. It doesn't always work, but it makes it easier to jump in.
Now, transition to a friend, a spouse, a family member. Here's where I get into trouble. The terms aren't predetermined in the same way because the terms are on-going. Each given encounter is a throw back to previous encounters where something, perhaps something completely different, was established. Similar with a return customer, but the obligation is higher because the encounters never have a closure-point. They are fluid - one into the next.
When a familiar person of this sort approaches you, the setting is always different and any predetermined terms are based only on a memory of the past. Which is different for both involved.
My tendency to recall the setting of the engagement is to recall past engagements and categorize them. This comes into conflict when the person I'm engaging with doesn't do the same. If they create a broad stroke of the past, they will expect something different from my involvement than I'm expecting to put in.
At it's root, this is a conflict. Which, because of familiarity and unmet expectations, becomes a fight.
I don't want to fight.
I want to be able to tap into the same easiness that sets customers at ease, that gets shy people talking, that turns tension into a smile, anger into understanding, bitterness into a sense of comprehension.
I want to distill negativity into positive energy.
I'm struggling with exactly how to do that. But, I'm trying. Working back from the past of my own life and trying to comprehend what went wrong - not situationally, but emotionally. What things, circumstances, decisions brought me to where I am. So that I can change the decision. So that I can be peace, instead of fear or anger. So that I can be better.
I'm working on it. But, it'll take time.
---
In some circles, things are easy. A smile, a simple word, a casual gesture that indicates more concern about you than myself, than you'd expect, than you'd asked for. Quandaries, letdowns, disappointments, dilemmas, insecurity, cosmic irony, negativity cause no problem because they don't enter into this simple equation. There are - at most - three or four factors, all of which are within my control because I'm the one defining the terms.
This is easy. I can handle this.
There is a separation between my person and my action, between what I say, do, express and what I am. It might be a modicum of a difference and the barrier may well be transparent - but it is there, nonetheless.
In other circles, where we try to dissolve that barrier and blur that difference - things get sticky. Messy. A mess. Without the defining lines, it's impossible to tell who is arranging the terms of what situation and who the terms are being arranged for. Who is the determiner and who is the determinee.
I think it might help to think in these terms.
In a given situation, with friends or strangers - when two or more people are involved - one is giving something and the other is receiving it. This could be anything. A compliment, a critique, a harsh word, a kind word, a request. A cup of coffee. Attention. Respect.
The grounds are, essentially, still the same.
The problem someone in my line of work often finds is that the general stranger is easier to deal with. The terms of the situation are set. No thought goes into establishing what the other person wants because it is predetermined by the setting. So, both people can act accordingly without question. It becomes easier with more experience because you are always dealing with the same request.
Then, transition to a stranger on the street. After enough time in the above setting, you learn how to deal with the average stranger in the same way. You quickly set the terms of the engagement and act as you would. There is a certain open freeness in this. You can talk to people without the same inhibitions of your everyday personality because you know how the interaction ought to pan out. It doesn't always work, but it makes it easier to jump in.
Now, transition to a friend, a spouse, a family member. Here's where I get into trouble. The terms aren't predetermined in the same way because the terms are on-going. Each given encounter is a throw back to previous encounters where something, perhaps something completely different, was established. Similar with a return customer, but the obligation is higher because the encounters never have a closure-point. They are fluid - one into the next.
When a familiar person of this sort approaches you, the setting is always different and any predetermined terms are based only on a memory of the past. Which is different for both involved.
My tendency to recall the setting of the engagement is to recall past engagements and categorize them. This comes into conflict when the person I'm engaging with doesn't do the same. If they create a broad stroke of the past, they will expect something different from my involvement than I'm expecting to put in.
At it's root, this is a conflict. Which, because of familiarity and unmet expectations, becomes a fight.
I don't want to fight.
I want to be able to tap into the same easiness that sets customers at ease, that gets shy people talking, that turns tension into a smile, anger into understanding, bitterness into a sense of comprehension.
I want to distill negativity into positive energy.
I'm struggling with exactly how to do that. But, I'm trying. Working back from the past of my own life and trying to comprehend what went wrong - not situationally, but emotionally. What things, circumstances, decisions brought me to where I am. So that I can change the decision. So that I can be peace, instead of fear or anger. So that I can be better.
I'm working on it. But, it'll take time.
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