Ilness and Dreams

First, I should warn you. I am feverish, at the moment. Mostly sick. Just trying to by some time. And, in doing so, stumbled upon something interesting.

But, as you have been warned, don't judge too harshly the style and vernacular in which it is written. I probably could have done a much more fantastic job were I well. But, this is what you get anyway.
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I read today, in a gardening magazine of all places, about Ianus - the Roman god after which the first month of our year is named. He was the god of gates, doorways, beginnings, endings, and time. He was a two-faced god, facing both forward and backward. Both to the past and the future.

I can see why the first month of the year was named after him.

Then I thought: how often, during this month of January, am I doing just that? Staring at the past and watching the future? It struck me because currently, I am feeling just that. A nervous tension over what to do. A question over what I have done and what it could mean.

And, not only now. I have been here before. Just yesterday of last year, in fact. Read, if you will, the post: What I'm Learning.

There are probably others, if I were to go back in time further from now. Each new year, during each month inspired by the two-headed man who stands watching, looking, seeing. Not doing, but knowing.

So, January is for looking, seeing, and thinking. Then, February comes with the purification ceremonies and the lavender hung in houses to clear the air. And the actions that our watching in January led us to.

Or, perhaps not so much the action, but the preparation of the action. The cleansing of the old, a readiness for the new. Trashing what you don't need, organizing what you do - or think you do at this current junction. Making room for what is to come. Whatever that might be.
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I had a dream in my sickness this morning. In it, three of us (Ori, Fai, myself) were waiting for the public transportation to come - a bus in particular. Just sitting around, bying time, doing nothing remarkable, goofing off kind of kid style. Ori had to go to the bathroom and had to go down the block a ways. Then, the bus passed by and we thought it was the right bus so Fai went to go get Ori. Then, we both realised the bus was going the wrong direction, so we let it pass.

When Ori came back, we wasted more time. Then, after a while, Fai had to go to the bathroom. But, he found one just across from us. So, he left. Right after he left, the train came. Ori and I got on without a thought, and left Fai behind.

Fai caught up to us on the train, somehow magically. He told us off. We felt really stupid and rude. Heads hung low, all that. Then, suddenly we were all standing around with a bunch of people. I was leaning against someone I didn't know, and suddenly realised it, but she was cool so there was no issue.

Then, suddenly, the transit train was a real train and we were traveling across the country, or some long distance. You know how dreams are. And the group had gotten bigger, again, now five of us or so. Too many to really know for sure. Lots of people milling around.

The train officials were checking our tickets and making sure we belonged, which they decided we did. I was trying to be very proper. And, then Ori's sister was there and she started judging whether we were all mature enough. When it got to me, the discussion turned into a debate of possessions and how much we should all have and how much of it should be from big corporate stores. I said that Ori and I had gotten rid of most of our stuff, and we thought it was better. And we tried to buy less.

In the end, I think we agreed.
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So, all that might possibly be saying something. But, possibly about this idea of January and February.

But, then again, I also had a dream where Ori and I were boating down a river with my mom instead of driving down the road. We had to get out and swim occasionally, but nobody minded. And then, we got to some park and nothing happened.

So, maybe they're just dreams after all. And all it says is what's on my mind while the fever breaks.

But, something imaginative in me hopes that not all of them are. That, occasionally, one dream stands out from the muck of all the other nonsense and means something. And, if you just look closely enough, you'd find a key to your future and all the hopes and dreams you had. Or, you will find a map of your fears and terrors so that you can trump them and move on. Or, that the dreams really can tell the future and can warn you of possible dangers and hangups. Or, that they are the key to everything.

But, that's probably just a writer's hope in the possibility of images and interpretation. Because, then again, there are still those dreams that you don't want to interpret or admit might mean anything at all. We all have those too.