And the solution:
I have abandoned Fenny. I could not keep on.
Now, before passing judgement, you must understand one thing. I never loved Fenny. Not yet, anyway. I didn't know him. He and I were strangers when we met, we sat in a room at a coffee table together for a while, and then, we both realised that our awkward conversation had come to its inevitable end. And so, I left.
But not without a promise of sorts. Or, at least a passing thought. I would return. He understood. I haven't tossed out the idea of forming a friendship with this man. I merely threw out our first attempt at it.
You could say, I'm giving Fenny a fresh start. A new first impression. A clean slate. Tabula Rosa, so to speak.
I feel a need to apologise to a certain someone. He told me that Fenny and myself would get along fabulously. I never doubted him. I still don't. But, the situation to foster that connection was all wrong. The timing was off. The moon was in the wrong phase. The mode of the spirit wasn't aligned appropriately. My life was at the wrong angle at the time.
Whichever you like.
I just couldn't do it. The biggest problem, of course, had little to nothing to do with either Fenny or Brandon. It had just as little to do with the entire collection of Urban.
Instead, it was simply an error of concept. I was trying to waste time. I had set off intending to waste time. One should never attempt to connect with new individuals when the goal is to waste time. It simply doomed me. I wasn't interested. There was no intrigue. There was no spirit in the interaction. It was simply a lack of engagement. My mind was elsewhere, and yet I had thought that I could simply fake my way through it. I could pretend to be interested. And so long as I just kept my thoughts and hands moving, Fenugreek would come to me.
I'm quite sure I offended him. I offended the muse. I offended my craft. I offended, even, my own skill. All because I kept acting under this notion that all I had to do was pretend to be a writer, and eventually I would be one.
But I already was one, and Fenny knew it was a lie.
And so, I'm sorry. I was dishonest with myself, with the muse I've made a relationship with based on a connection it made with me, with the spirits I was attempting to contact. It has cost me much time and headache. Quite a bit of heartache too.
And so, I am doing what I should have done. Realising what I should have already known. I am going to take a break. Not from Urban, but from the line. I am going to put the receiver down and, instead, stare at pictures of others on receiving lines, listen in on conversations held on other lines, tap the line on other receivers and make sure they are still connected. This will, I hope, be the inspiration I was seeking. It will also be the break I was needing.
And when the sabbatical is over, I will return to Urban. Then, later, I will come back around to the room I was sitting in, knock on the door, and find Fenugreek Mason as he truly is inside. We'll shake hands as thought we've never met before, and we'll begin again.
I am excited, but I cannot rush the meeting.
So, wait for me Fenny. I'll be back.
Now, before passing judgement, you must understand one thing. I never loved Fenny. Not yet, anyway. I didn't know him. He and I were strangers when we met, we sat in a room at a coffee table together for a while, and then, we both realised that our awkward conversation had come to its inevitable end. And so, I left.
But not without a promise of sorts. Or, at least a passing thought. I would return. He understood. I haven't tossed out the idea of forming a friendship with this man. I merely threw out our first attempt at it.
You could say, I'm giving Fenny a fresh start. A new first impression. A clean slate. Tabula Rosa, so to speak.
I feel a need to apologise to a certain someone. He told me that Fenny and myself would get along fabulously. I never doubted him. I still don't. But, the situation to foster that connection was all wrong. The timing was off. The moon was in the wrong phase. The mode of the spirit wasn't aligned appropriately. My life was at the wrong angle at the time.
Whichever you like.
I just couldn't do it. The biggest problem, of course, had little to nothing to do with either Fenny or Brandon. It had just as little to do with the entire collection of Urban.
Instead, it was simply an error of concept. I was trying to waste time. I had set off intending to waste time. One should never attempt to connect with new individuals when the goal is to waste time. It simply doomed me. I wasn't interested. There was no intrigue. There was no spirit in the interaction. It was simply a lack of engagement. My mind was elsewhere, and yet I had thought that I could simply fake my way through it. I could pretend to be interested. And so long as I just kept my thoughts and hands moving, Fenugreek would come to me.
I'm quite sure I offended him. I offended the muse. I offended my craft. I offended, even, my own skill. All because I kept acting under this notion that all I had to do was pretend to be a writer, and eventually I would be one.
But I already was one, and Fenny knew it was a lie.
And so, I'm sorry. I was dishonest with myself, with the muse I've made a relationship with based on a connection it made with me, with the spirits I was attempting to contact. It has cost me much time and headache. Quite a bit of heartache too.
And so, I am doing what I should have done. Realising what I should have already known. I am going to take a break. Not from Urban, but from the line. I am going to put the receiver down and, instead, stare at pictures of others on receiving lines, listen in on conversations held on other lines, tap the line on other receivers and make sure they are still connected. This will, I hope, be the inspiration I was seeking. It will also be the break I was needing.
And when the sabbatical is over, I will return to Urban. Then, later, I will come back around to the room I was sitting in, knock on the door, and find Fenugreek Mason as he truly is inside. We'll shake hands as thought we've never met before, and we'll begin again.
I am excited, but I cannot rush the meeting.
So, wait for me Fenny. I'll be back.
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