Inordinately long ago...
I found this document when I was cleaning up the files on my computer. These files had been transferred and transferred and transferred from back in 1990-something until now. There still survived, along with these, a 'novel' I thought I was writing in junior high. Amongst these ancient ruins, I stumbled across this and realised there was no other place for it, but here.
It would have had its home here then, had honesty been acceptable. But, as it wasn't, it hid in the shadows until it's truths were no longer valuable. I air them now as a way to continue taking out the garbage.
-------
It had all begun so perfectly! I remember now the look he had on his face the first time my eyes met his. It was what one would call "love at first sight", but I called it a chance. A chance to what - love? to live again? I just wasn't sure, but I knew it was a chance.
And then the time passed.
The icy winds slowly hollowed out the tree of our youth, the deserted stream of chances slowly dried and left its tale in the cracked roots of hopelessness. The things I had first felt soon became the ghost that only haunted my memories...the dreams, the hopes, the life that had been so wrapped up in that first look, that meeting of two weary souls - that chance.
Now the years have melted like the snow in spring. The winds have changed, blowing dust over the already cracked roots of my youthful wishes. The seas that once glistened with trust and knowing are now but an outline, a dim tracing of that former life.
I admit to myself that I would have loved to keep hold of that original dream. But I must also admit that I have been fooled, tricked, blinded by that chance that I had for so long believed in. And with this admittance comes the stark, cold reality of my situation. Mind you, I do not so much pity myself, but am in this state of revalation - forced to come face-to-face with reality, with as much as one can come face-to-face with such an entity as reality.
The fact is that now I've had time to look it over and am in an entirely new place - I realize the sad and demoralizing truth of my situation. In actuality, the death locked now in the merciless desert of relationship has only doubled and worstened upon itself. The endless uncaring has drained even the remains of life from its bottomless void.
And yet, after what feels like lifetimes, there comes the close...
-------
And the close did come, many years ago now, and it's coming was not so terrible as I had imaginged.
And now, as I sit here at the end of other things - the end of an era in life, the end of one job and the beginning of other possibilities and other directions to go, I recall the feeling all too well. But, I think now I am less afraid of it. Or, at least, more willing to accept it.
And to see the blessing in the curses we incur as time naturally goes on.
It would have had its home here then, had honesty been acceptable. But, as it wasn't, it hid in the shadows until it's truths were no longer valuable. I air them now as a way to continue taking out the garbage.
-------
It had all begun so perfectly! I remember now the look he had on his face the first time my eyes met his. It was what one would call "love at first sight", but I called it a chance. A chance to what - love? to live again? I just wasn't sure, but I knew it was a chance.
And then the time passed.
The icy winds slowly hollowed out the tree of our youth, the deserted stream of chances slowly dried and left its tale in the cracked roots of hopelessness. The things I had first felt soon became the ghost that only haunted my memories...the dreams, the hopes, the life that had been so wrapped up in that first look, that meeting of two weary souls - that chance.
Now the years have melted like the snow in spring. The winds have changed, blowing dust over the already cracked roots of my youthful wishes. The seas that once glistened with trust and knowing are now but an outline, a dim tracing of that former life.
I admit to myself that I would have loved to keep hold of that original dream. But I must also admit that I have been fooled, tricked, blinded by that chance that I had for so long believed in. And with this admittance comes the stark, cold reality of my situation. Mind you, I do not so much pity myself, but am in this state of revalation - forced to come face-to-face with reality, with as much as one can come face-to-face with such an entity as reality.
The fact is that now I've had time to look it over and am in an entirely new place - I realize the sad and demoralizing truth of my situation. In actuality, the death locked now in the merciless desert of relationship has only doubled and worstened upon itself. The endless uncaring has drained even the remains of life from its bottomless void.
And yet, after what feels like lifetimes, there comes the close...
-------
And the close did come, many years ago now, and it's coming was not so terrible as I had imaginged.
And now, as I sit here at the end of other things - the end of an era in life, the end of one job and the beginning of other possibilities and other directions to go, I recall the feeling all too well. But, I think now I am less afraid of it. Or, at least, more willing to accept it.
And to see the blessing in the curses we incur as time naturally goes on.
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