Why am I still here?
Sitting silently still, with my legs crossed in bright pink pants - cut off gloves that I bet a million to one are not 'baby alpaca' - a sweater that isn't either - and tennis shoes that, heh, I bet two thousand to one don't match. And I've been thinking all afternoon, all day, all week: I just want to go home.
Y'see, I came here - to Peru - with a purpose. I came with a plan, but one that would only carry me through until wednesday. After that, I not only checked out, but I changed gears. I stepped out of being who I want to be and became, for the next four days, who I was used to being. I became a tourist - even a traveler if you will. A shopper, a buyer, a consumer.
Suddenly, nothing I did was about them. It was about me. About us. About 'seeing' places and things and customs. But not people. No longer seeing them, their needs, their souls. I became the same selfish, self-centered American prat that I've been all my life. And after six days of just getting it, just understanding, just skimming the surface of all that I wanted it in the world...
It made me angry. Unrelentlessly angry. At myself. At my inability to qwell it. At my own failure to be what I said I was going to put all of my last energies, all of my heart, all of my life into. And all for a few gloves and a few nice things and to make myself feel better - I went back on it.
It's harder than it seems. To really change that sort of thing. To really see people and stop seeing the world the way you're used to. And I think at the end, we all felt a bit of it. We all saw it around the corners of what we were doing, what we were investing in, what it was meaning to us. But it's hard to stop, hard to change, hard to really do it.
But there's some comfort in the fact that we all felt it, all saw it, all knew it right under the surface. That we weren't doing it anymore. Weren't being what we were really supposed to be. Weren't touching people anymore.
And so, I think. That's all I can do at this point - think. Think about how I'll change that, change my ways, change me. What sorts of changes of mind, of heart, of spirit do I need to have before I can do it - can live that way? Can really, honestly live what I believe in?
I don't really know yet. But as I continue to see it, continue to think -- I know I'll get it. Sooner or later. God willing.
-RK
Y'see, I came here - to Peru - with a purpose. I came with a plan, but one that would only carry me through until wednesday. After that, I not only checked out, but I changed gears. I stepped out of being who I want to be and became, for the next four days, who I was used to being. I became a tourist - even a traveler if you will. A shopper, a buyer, a consumer.
Suddenly, nothing I did was about them. It was about me. About us. About 'seeing' places and things and customs. But not people. No longer seeing them, their needs, their souls. I became the same selfish, self-centered American prat that I've been all my life. And after six days of just getting it, just understanding, just skimming the surface of all that I wanted it in the world...
It made me angry. Unrelentlessly angry. At myself. At my inability to qwell it. At my own failure to be what I said I was going to put all of my last energies, all of my heart, all of my life into. And all for a few gloves and a few nice things and to make myself feel better - I went back on it.
It's harder than it seems. To really change that sort of thing. To really see people and stop seeing the world the way you're used to. And I think at the end, we all felt a bit of it. We all saw it around the corners of what we were doing, what we were investing in, what it was meaning to us. But it's hard to stop, hard to change, hard to really do it.
But there's some comfort in the fact that we all felt it, all saw it, all knew it right under the surface. That we weren't doing it anymore. Weren't being what we were really supposed to be. Weren't touching people anymore.
And so, I think. That's all I can do at this point - think. Think about how I'll change that, change my ways, change me. What sorts of changes of mind, of heart, of spirit do I need to have before I can do it - can live that way? Can really, honestly live what I believe in?
I don't really know yet. But as I continue to see it, continue to think -- I know I'll get it. Sooner or later. God willing.
-RK
1 Thought(s):
We can't really see all of the horror and absurdity of the world or else we would go mad. humans weren't intended to have a vision that encompasing.
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