I know
But that doesn't mean I can always saywhat I want to say. If I did, chances are it would either get lost in the ether or it would come out all wrong. It wouldn't mean what I would want it to mean, wouldn't sound how I'd want it to sound, wouldn't be what I'd want it to be. So, I'm left with this - this, that will just have to do.
A dead rosebush in a dry garden, and a little rain on the roof to wash it all away. Memory sweetening and going sour - dreams cracking and dreams coming to life. A path crowded with thorns and thistles, and a path clear, with sun striking down to warm the cool brown earth. A simple scene set with simple things, and darker one set with the past.
Someday, I told myself - I was going to wake up. It came on a midnight, one I didn't expect or see coming. But I did - I woke up. I saw the sun again, and then I saw the rain clouds coming closer, closer, closer. It didn't scare me, for the first time in my life. I wanted to tell someone that - someone who'd know what I meant - but I couldn't. Couldn't get the words out, couldn't get my voice out, couldn't speak up loud enough over the roar of the storm that was coming to get through anymore.
It's okay now, though. It's all okay now. At least, the path that my feet somehow found is. It's the right path to be on. It isn't always safe or comfortable - but it's right. And the best thing of it, I better here. I feel like, for once in a long time, I am walking in the right direction. If I walk uphill, that'll be okay. If I stumble and fall and have to get up again, that'll be okay. And if I just end up walking along the mountainside for the rest of my life, somehow - that'll be okay.
I'm not who I used to be, know that. It's funny - I always knew I was going to change, knew life was going to change, knew it all was going to change. I just thought it would be so much different when it did. It is different - but not in the way I saw it before. And I thought it was going to change sooner than it did. Okay, so it took until now - but something is happening, you know?
The only thing I can say is that. Because something is happening. I don't know what it means or where it leads or who I am going to be tomorrow. I only know that something has started happening. After almost a year of stagnation, sitting and waiting for my weighted heart to somehow spring back to life within my chest; finally some touch, some stir, some movement in the etherial plains of the world has vibrated a string somewhere in my soul - and I'm not the same.
Sure, parts of me are - but on the whole? I'm changed. And I wouldn't go back if I could. I wouldn't take it all back, wouldn't be who I was then, wouldn't change - for all the world.
I feel joyful again. It's been so long. I'm not angry now. I'm not hurt now. I'm not so broken as I used to be. I look at my life and at my dreams - and yeah, things aren't perfect and I'm not where I always wanted to be - but for the first time, I feel right about them, about it, about life. I feel like I can breathe again, like I can be 'me' again, whatever that means. And it's amazing.
No. I wouldn't go back for all the gold in the world. I wouldn't re-do it. I wouldn't change a thing. I'm glad now where I was and where I am. And I wouldn't change anything. Because now, I know what I was going toward, and it made all the difference.
-RK
A dead rosebush in a dry garden, and a little rain on the roof to wash it all away. Memory sweetening and going sour - dreams cracking and dreams coming to life. A path crowded with thorns and thistles, and a path clear, with sun striking down to warm the cool brown earth. A simple scene set with simple things, and darker one set with the past.
Someday, I told myself - I was going to wake up. It came on a midnight, one I didn't expect or see coming. But I did - I woke up. I saw the sun again, and then I saw the rain clouds coming closer, closer, closer. It didn't scare me, for the first time in my life. I wanted to tell someone that - someone who'd know what I meant - but I couldn't. Couldn't get the words out, couldn't get my voice out, couldn't speak up loud enough over the roar of the storm that was coming to get through anymore.
It's okay now, though. It's all okay now. At least, the path that my feet somehow found is. It's the right path to be on. It isn't always safe or comfortable - but it's right. And the best thing of it, I better here. I feel like, for once in a long time, I am walking in the right direction. If I walk uphill, that'll be okay. If I stumble and fall and have to get up again, that'll be okay. And if I just end up walking along the mountainside for the rest of my life, somehow - that'll be okay.
I'm not who I used to be, know that. It's funny - I always knew I was going to change, knew life was going to change, knew it all was going to change. I just thought it would be so much different when it did. It is different - but not in the way I saw it before. And I thought it was going to change sooner than it did. Okay, so it took until now - but something is happening, you know?
The only thing I can say is that. Because something is happening. I don't know what it means or where it leads or who I am going to be tomorrow. I only know that something has started happening. After almost a year of stagnation, sitting and waiting for my weighted heart to somehow spring back to life within my chest; finally some touch, some stir, some movement in the etherial plains of the world has vibrated a string somewhere in my soul - and I'm not the same.
Sure, parts of me are - but on the whole? I'm changed. And I wouldn't go back if I could. I wouldn't take it all back, wouldn't be who I was then, wouldn't change - for all the world.
I feel joyful again. It's been so long. I'm not angry now. I'm not hurt now. I'm not so broken as I used to be. I look at my life and at my dreams - and yeah, things aren't perfect and I'm not where I always wanted to be - but for the first time, I feel right about them, about it, about life. I feel like I can breathe again, like I can be 'me' again, whatever that means. And it's amazing.
No. I wouldn't go back for all the gold in the world. I wouldn't re-do it. I wouldn't change a thing. I'm glad now where I was and where I am. And I wouldn't change anything. Because now, I know what I was going toward, and it made all the difference.
-RK
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