Could really do with some sedatives

[4.18.05]
It's another one of those days that I've spent thinking - thinking of all the things I know I shouldn't think of. All of the things that make me remember, make me hurt, make the world such a harder place to live and such a colder place to admit that I'm still a part of...

(sigh) Damn.

I don't want to explain, can't find words to express thet things...and yet, I find myself trying time and time again. Perhaps it isn't in prose - it isn't in words that I should seek to find my ultimate comfort. Perhaps it isn't here that I should try to express...

I will try something else, try something less obvious and more desperate. Perhaps that will heal the wounds, at long last, that I can no longer pretend I feel on my forearms, and my chest, and my heart, and my soul...

-------
Stark death, struck out against the night
a death I wish I were dying tonight.
Hatred of a million things,
but none more than this - this
the place where my soul cannot find peace,
cannot be strong, will not be whole.
-------

[time lapse to current]
(sigh) Let's face it - First, that was terrible. Second, I'm not going to finish that.

The time is past, the mood is gone, and I have no desire to finish anything right now. So instead, here is the crap I wrote at work after the interview 19th's night, or was it 20th's morn? Irrelevant. Here's what's scribbled on sheets of torn-out paper. Don't take it too seriously; I'm sure I didn't...

-------
Didn't we love, and wasn't is beautiful?
Weren' there echos in the wind of everything that could have been?

I can't stand on the sidelines,
while you take the stage...
I can't (just) stand by and watch
while it all (just) fades away.
I can't (->) pretend to be
alright (->) when I'm not.

I knew the end would come some day,
and I would have to tell you...
I tried so hard to love you
but I had no way to tell;
you had so much more practice in that world
than I could have known.

To...
and to turn and walk away.
I wasn't like the other girls,
but you'd say I was just the same.
Three years didn't mean much
when it came down to the end (line).
I couldn't make you understand
what I felt in my soul (heart).

I will always know you, as a part of me
I will always thing of you (remember you)
as the love that could not be.
I will always hear echoes of words you spoke to me

violins cry and the way I feel inside,
dies tonight.

How fitting the dreams seem,
when you view them inside out.

I know you think I'll change my mind,
but not in this lifetime...

I know you think we're fighting
and it'll all blow over soon...
...I'm sorry I can't love you
or even be your friend.
I know you think I'll (see it), come to my senses soon.
I'm sorry I can't help you
or be (just) what you want (need).

I know it's hard to believe

-------

That's it. That's all that's in my heart - jumbled nonesense that I don't even care to make sense of anymore. No more hiding, no more pretending that there are flowers in a winter that won't stop returning. Instead, there. That's all there is. Don't go looking for more

-RK