There has to be a better explanation...
This cannot be it. This cannot be what I have spent my life doing. This cannot be all there is - the end of the road and a cliff looking down and a sunset to let you know the day is really over. That cannot be all I gained. How can that be all I get?
There has got to be something here that I am just not seeing. Something that seems hidden, something that feels like it isn't there - but is. There has to be some secret passage way, some avenue into the truth that I just haven't uncovered yet. Some way for all of this pain - this hurt - these feelings to make some sense.
I know what it is. I know it isn't me and it isn't the past and it isn't the end that makes me feel like this. It's the intangibility of it all. It's the fact that I made a mistake - that I misperceived. That I was wrong.
I tell myself I have to find a better reason than that - because how could I, for so long, have only been wrong? And there has to be a better explanation because why would I be allowed to go on for so long, being wrong? And there has to be some reason that I can't find because why would I have been wrong for so long - only to grow? Only to change? Only to see now what I couldn't have seen then?
Why yes, of course. That does make sense.
But part of me doesn't want to admit it. Part of me doesn't want to chalk it up to the sorts of lessons you can't learn in school. Part of me doesn't want to say that it's all okay because I'm stronger or wiser or better off now. Part of me wants to say to myself and the cosmos, 'Now wait a second. That isn't right. That isn't fair. One should not have to suffer such things just to grow! There must be some mistake. You must have overlooked something. I must have missed some element of the story. There just HAS to be more to this!' When in fact, there isn't.
Life is this way. Things do happen like this. Mistakes are allowed to be make - just for the end result of growth. Sadly, that is the way things go. Agonizing, yet true.
And sometimes, you can't find that better explanation - you can't see the grander purpose only because it is what it is - and you cannot accept it. But try to, and you will see how much you have grown and how much more you know now than you used to.
And on some level, you will be able to count it as good. One day.
-RK
There has got to be something here that I am just not seeing. Something that seems hidden, something that feels like it isn't there - but is. There has to be some secret passage way, some avenue into the truth that I just haven't uncovered yet. Some way for all of this pain - this hurt - these feelings to make some sense.
I know what it is. I know it isn't me and it isn't the past and it isn't the end that makes me feel like this. It's the intangibility of it all. It's the fact that I made a mistake - that I misperceived. That I was wrong.
I tell myself I have to find a better reason than that - because how could I, for so long, have only been wrong? And there has to be a better explanation because why would I be allowed to go on for so long, being wrong? And there has to be some reason that I can't find because why would I have been wrong for so long - only to grow? Only to change? Only to see now what I couldn't have seen then?
Why yes, of course. That does make sense.
But part of me doesn't want to admit it. Part of me doesn't want to chalk it up to the sorts of lessons you can't learn in school. Part of me doesn't want to say that it's all okay because I'm stronger or wiser or better off now. Part of me wants to say to myself and the cosmos, 'Now wait a second. That isn't right. That isn't fair. One should not have to suffer such things just to grow! There must be some mistake. You must have overlooked something. I must have missed some element of the story. There just HAS to be more to this!' When in fact, there isn't.
Life is this way. Things do happen like this. Mistakes are allowed to be make - just for the end result of growth. Sadly, that is the way things go. Agonizing, yet true.
And sometimes, you can't find that better explanation - you can't see the grander purpose only because it is what it is - and you cannot accept it. But try to, and you will see how much you have grown and how much more you know now than you used to.
And on some level, you will be able to count it as good. One day.
-RK
4 Thought(s):
*sniffle* I know... (I think I've said that A LOT lately!)
I don't know that you will ever find it good or maybe you will just get farther than I have, but... you find that it is just the past... and there are much better things and people. Somehow, it just stops being relevent or, so important. It fades and then... things get less dark. I won't say bright, but less dark...
Now that I've talked to much, just know, believe that you can and WILL survive.
*hug*
Consider this sympathy because I have nothing else to say.
Thank you to both Frankie and Slack. It means much to me.
Also note: not that it ever will be good, but I hope to one day at least count it as good.
*sniffle* Yes... I hope that for you with all my heart.
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