Freedoms for a while
Sigh. The first half of the semester is done.
I turned in a terrible paper and wrote an even worse test and had a fairly hellish day - thank God that it is finally over! Now, I am sitting here at 1.23 because I can in my pjs with a cream blanket wrapped about my legs, doing whatever it is that I please to do.
Started to read Out of the Silent Planet - I'm amused. I burned the rolls, but that was neither the fault of myself or C.S. Lewis. I blame the stove for cooking too fast. But all the rolls sold, so it doesn't matter - really.
I am going into the city on Friday - and I am going to plan on having a wonderful time...if I can manage to avoid all of the silent blackholes that swallow up conversations you don't really know how to have.
I feel the need to state this fact, as irrelevant as it is: something in my soul has awoken today. I will leave it there, only go as far as that. But that which appeared tarnished and ugly for so long - has begun to somehow dance with light again. It's frightening, and at times of great clarity, I wish it only to stop - for in fact, I fear it. Yet, it can no longer lie dormant.
Perhaps that is what scares me most - this stirring I have let to lie dead for so long; the shine I buffed away, the spark I killed - it's alive again, much without my persmission. And that, in and of itself, is enough to terrify me. Much less what that live wire, that spark could mean in the end.
More fire. More destruction. More pain and more death.
I don't want more death. I can't bear much more pain. Just let the spark die, I tell myself - and I throw all the sand and water at it that I can...but it will not die yet. It terrifies and petrifies me - yet it will not die yet.
Foolish fires, lent from foolish sparks, rendered from foolish glimmers from foolish gems in a foolish head. Yet, gems ought not to be rent to pieces nor soiled and hidden - just so they cannot shine or shimmer in the morning light. So what can we do? What can be left to be done? Do we destroy the gem, or do we let it spark its fires until they all burn out?
The question only can I ask. The answer yet elludes me. Yet I should not wish to play the fool in this...
-RK
I turned in a terrible paper and wrote an even worse test and had a fairly hellish day - thank God that it is finally over! Now, I am sitting here at 1.23 because I can in my pjs with a cream blanket wrapped about my legs, doing whatever it is that I please to do.
Started to read Out of the Silent Planet - I'm amused. I burned the rolls, but that was neither the fault of myself or C.S. Lewis. I blame the stove for cooking too fast. But all the rolls sold, so it doesn't matter - really.
I am going into the city on Friday - and I am going to plan on having a wonderful time...if I can manage to avoid all of the silent blackholes that swallow up conversations you don't really know how to have.
I feel the need to state this fact, as irrelevant as it is: something in my soul has awoken today. I will leave it there, only go as far as that. But that which appeared tarnished and ugly for so long - has begun to somehow dance with light again. It's frightening, and at times of great clarity, I wish it only to stop - for in fact, I fear it. Yet, it can no longer lie dormant.
Perhaps that is what scares me most - this stirring I have let to lie dead for so long; the shine I buffed away, the spark I killed - it's alive again, much without my persmission. And that, in and of itself, is enough to terrify me. Much less what that live wire, that spark could mean in the end.
More fire. More destruction. More pain and more death.
I don't want more death. I can't bear much more pain. Just let the spark die, I tell myself - and I throw all the sand and water at it that I can...but it will not die yet. It terrifies and petrifies me - yet it will not die yet.
Foolish fires, lent from foolish sparks, rendered from foolish glimmers from foolish gems in a foolish head. Yet, gems ought not to be rent to pieces nor soiled and hidden - just so they cannot shine or shimmer in the morning light. So what can we do? What can be left to be done? Do we destroy the gem, or do we let it spark its fires until they all burn out?
The question only can I ask. The answer yet elludes me. Yet I should not wish to play the fool in this...
-RK
1 Thought(s):
Hi Becca. Haven't checked in in a while. Tests. I'm not sure whether it was a good day for you or not. But, just checking in to see how you're doing. Hang in there! We can't wait to see you back.
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