Of the ideals and dreams that didn't come...
So I'm sitting up and it's really far too late for any intelligent thoughts - but I just sort of had to get soemthing out.
It's time again for all of those things that make you think you are safe and secure and that you know the world you are living in to fall down and crash. It is again time for all of your ideals to come tumbling down around you, leaving you bewildered and wondering what on earth you are supposed to beleive in and trust anymore.
I guess now is as good a time as any, isn't it?
I mean, sure it could be saddness. It could even be confusion - but it seems, feels so much more than that at times. It feels like...like....
Like a crisis.
And so, you just have to go along with it. Scoop up the little bits of you that are left after you have broken, sweep the shards of yur life into the dust pan, and just learn to get up and sort of start over.
Start over...really?
I don't know that it is really starting over. Maybe it's just learning how to look at the world differently. Maybe it is learning that nothing is really trustworthy, and how to deal with that in the end. Maybe it is the going and the coming of things - and maybe it is the fact that still nothing seems to add up or make any sense anymore.
I don't know. I can't say.
Maybe it is starting over. Or maybe it's going back - or forward...or maybe it isn't moving at all.
It's so hard to tell, when things are so hard to see clearly. It's like you are standing still and spinning in circles all at the same time.
It's like you want to tell the truth, but you can't remember what it is. And you want to know the truth - but you can't hear anything anymore through the quiet wind that is blowing all around you.
It's like you have been standing in the same place for too long and you can't seem to remember how to move on again - or maybe you do remember, but you are too scared...
or maybe a part of you really does know that you exist somewhere else out there but you aren't ready to go there yet. Yeah, maybe that is it.
I don't know.
But I do know a few things...
My best memories started with you and my nightmares started to haunt me when you went away. My ideals blossomed up to meet the world that I was creating, and yet somehow you fit into the dreamworld that I'd made all too perfect for myself.
But you were real. You weren't a dream - and that became clear at some point in time.
And the dreamworld started to fall apart.
And now...now, what am I left with?
You are still real, out there somewhere. You still exist, and you are still somehow a part of this collapsed dreamworld - this imaginary place that I'd created where I was happy and we were together and life was perfect and beautiful and nothing ever hurt at all.
But that wasn't real. And it doesn't hold up, it can's stand up anymore.
And yet, it exists - somewhere, there still inside of me like a dormant volcano waiting to come back to life one day...
But will it really ever? Or is it dormant forever?
...sigh.
Sometimes, I wish I didn't doubt so much. I wish I could know everything and be sure of the future and not have to worry about what was going to happen or what I was going to say when it did.
Yea, soemtimes - I wish I could just be at peace, just for a little while. Just to stope still for just a moment and feel the sun on my face again and know what it was like to feel warm again...
warm.
That used to mean so much, still does. But now...
now, what?
What does any of it mean? What does any of it amount to, it not just to the dreamland that it once was. If not to the perfect world that I preteneded really existed somewhere deeper inside of me than I could find.
...Sigh. I can't figure it out anymore.
Any of these dreams, these imaginary images that come to me in the middle of the night or in the early hours of the mornign when you can hear the bird singing but you can't see the first lights yet...I just can't figure them out anymore.
...
I wrote a entry about those dreams before - a few days ago. It was more about my life than anything really. About my fears and my hopes and my dreams and what I thought I had or knew I wanted...all about those things. But it was more than that too - it was the dreams that I had and the ones I didn't have the courage to look into deep enough to see anything any more. It was that little glimpse of me that showed even myself something about me that I didn't know before...
but the computer crashed and deleted it.
I guess life works that way sometimes, doesn't it?
-RK
It's time again for all of those things that make you think you are safe and secure and that you know the world you are living in to fall down and crash. It is again time for all of your ideals to come tumbling down around you, leaving you bewildered and wondering what on earth you are supposed to beleive in and trust anymore.
I guess now is as good a time as any, isn't it?
I mean, sure it could be saddness. It could even be confusion - but it seems, feels so much more than that at times. It feels like...like....
Like a crisis.
And so, you just have to go along with it. Scoop up the little bits of you that are left after you have broken, sweep the shards of yur life into the dust pan, and just learn to get up and sort of start over.
Start over...really?
I don't know that it is really starting over. Maybe it's just learning how to look at the world differently. Maybe it is learning that nothing is really trustworthy, and how to deal with that in the end. Maybe it is the going and the coming of things - and maybe it is the fact that still nothing seems to add up or make any sense anymore.
I don't know. I can't say.
Maybe it is starting over. Or maybe it's going back - or forward...or maybe it isn't moving at all.
It's so hard to tell, when things are so hard to see clearly. It's like you are standing still and spinning in circles all at the same time.
It's like you want to tell the truth, but you can't remember what it is. And you want to know the truth - but you can't hear anything anymore through the quiet wind that is blowing all around you.
It's like you have been standing in the same place for too long and you can't seem to remember how to move on again - or maybe you do remember, but you are too scared...
or maybe a part of you really does know that you exist somewhere else out there but you aren't ready to go there yet. Yeah, maybe that is it.
I don't know.
But I do know a few things...
My best memories started with you and my nightmares started to haunt me when you went away. My ideals blossomed up to meet the world that I was creating, and yet somehow you fit into the dreamworld that I'd made all too perfect for myself.
But you were real. You weren't a dream - and that became clear at some point in time.
And the dreamworld started to fall apart.
And now...now, what am I left with?
You are still real, out there somewhere. You still exist, and you are still somehow a part of this collapsed dreamworld - this imaginary place that I'd created where I was happy and we were together and life was perfect and beautiful and nothing ever hurt at all.
But that wasn't real. And it doesn't hold up, it can's stand up anymore.
And yet, it exists - somewhere, there still inside of me like a dormant volcano waiting to come back to life one day...
But will it really ever? Or is it dormant forever?
...sigh.
Sometimes, I wish I didn't doubt so much. I wish I could know everything and be sure of the future and not have to worry about what was going to happen or what I was going to say when it did.
Yea, soemtimes - I wish I could just be at peace, just for a little while. Just to stope still for just a moment and feel the sun on my face again and know what it was like to feel warm again...
warm.
That used to mean so much, still does. But now...
now, what?
What does any of it mean? What does any of it amount to, it not just to the dreamland that it once was. If not to the perfect world that I preteneded really existed somewhere deeper inside of me than I could find.
...Sigh. I can't figure it out anymore.
Any of these dreams, these imaginary images that come to me in the middle of the night or in the early hours of the mornign when you can hear the bird singing but you can't see the first lights yet...I just can't figure them out anymore.
...
I wrote a entry about those dreams before - a few days ago. It was more about my life than anything really. About my fears and my hopes and my dreams and what I thought I had or knew I wanted...all about those things. But it was more than that too - it was the dreams that I had and the ones I didn't have the courage to look into deep enough to see anything any more. It was that little glimpse of me that showed even myself something about me that I didn't know before...
but the computer crashed and deleted it.
I guess life works that way sometimes, doesn't it?
-RK
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